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I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months now.  She has been showing very controlling behaviors and this has concerned me.  Never did she say that she is borderline, but she does show signs and I have a pattern of being in relationships with borderlines.   And she is in a DBT group, which is a good thing.

What has happened now is that she has gotten on this tangent about my parenting and constantly criticizes how I parent my two teenage children and specifically tries to control every aspect of my parenting. Most of the time, I have tried her advice already or the advise is too punitive, black and white and not reasonable.  I have been working with a therapist for the past three years, my son is in therapy and has a social worker (because of a chronic medical diagnosis) and my daughter has also had therapy.

She is now saying that she has to do "soul searching" because she is broken hearted that my son is being abusive to me and my daughter.  She talks in extremes and has memorized every negative story I have ever told her about my son.  ( now I regret telling her)  She hyperfocuses on everything he does that is wrong, overhears his conversations and is obsessively monitoring him.  He feels that she is intrusive and doesn't like her.  While I do not justify my son's inappropriate behaviors he is a teenager and his behaviors are consistent developmentally and in many respects he is doing much better than other teenagers.  He has good grades, stays out of drugs, focused on school and has good circle of friends.  She is mostly focused on his interactions with me, his sister and the fact that he doesn't pick up after himself.  She has said that my son is possessive of me, because he doesn't like her, that when I spend a couple of hours with him in the evening, I am spending too much time with him and it is "inappropriate."  I have started questioning my own sanity and now she wants to go to all my therapy appointments with my therapist and my kids and share her concerns.

The problem is that my therapy is for me, and my son's therapy is for him and none of it is about her and I do not want her to hijack the sessions.  I also want to say that things between us have been very intense.  I enjoy being with her and if it wasn't for this issue, things would be going very well for us. 

However, my kids are my priority.  She even suggested that I have my son live with his father for awhile and this is totally against my values.  I feel alone, shut down, questioning my sanity and trying to get myself to reality.  Any thoughts?

yeaaahhhh.

Take care of your kids FIRST, and get them away from the Borderliner.

How hard is that to do?

Yes, kids always come first. They will always be in your life whereas girlfriends and boyfriends can come and go as they please and they dont have the parental responsibilities, cares or concerns that you have.

If this is your only issue as you say, why not set this up as a boundary? This is not a small issue by any means - if you cave in on this issue, what's next? 

I have already set this boundary with her telling her that I am not looking to be fixed, and that I am the parent and decision maker and she does not have the history I do with my kids.   Now she has started calling my son an abuser.  Any time I make positive statements about my son, she mentions that abusers are sometimes very nice.  She is not giving up on this idea that my son should live with his father.  I am very close to my kids and this is a deal breaker.  Mind you, my son is 15 years old and to me, his behavior is typical of a teenager.

Now I am trying to process things.  I am very sad and disappointed because there were so many great things about her.  But I have to remain loyal to my kids. 

Yes indeed and loyal to yourself, too.

She is quite right when she says, "abusers are sometimes very nice". She is living proof of that and she has you questioning yourself. And BTW... .how dare she f---ing call your child an abuser?

You set this as a boundary but here we are talking about it. Cross this boundary today, walk on you like your're a doormat tomorrow. This is typically how these things progress. I would say she wants your undivided attention and she has never had the relatiopnship with a parent that your son has with you.

Chances are your son might want to live with his Dad one day but that's a different story and part of life. This is not a consideration for you right now in dealing with the current problem.

When are you kicking her out - this week or next week?

separating you from your family is a classic BPD ploy. divide and conquer. no matter how much you acquiesce it will never be enough. here is another thread where the same type of thing is going on. i think it helps sometimes to recognize the patterns:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210626.0

I don't doubt at all that your girlfriend needs to be in that DBT group! Agree about what the others say about the kids come first and the boundaries... .A lot of times borderline will accuse the other person of exactly what THEY are doing to that person. Perhaps she is abusing him, and her accusation of your son is also her admission of guilt.

That being said... .

Just for the record: my uBPD BF's uBPD adult son abuses him... .bullying, emotional blackmail, guilt trips, sly suggestions, and manipulations. most notably with holding love if he doesn't get what he wants. my BF denies that he is being abused. Remember manipulation is thinking it was your idea, when it was someone else's, so by definition you don't know it is happening. Emotional abuse is often covert if they are doing a good job of it! And it's a hard cookie to swallow--even the most reasonable person in the world might try to deny their kid was abusive to them.

The fact that borderlines have trouble separating their own emotions from others makes them extremely vulnerable to manipulation, especially from their own children since there is already a similar natural parental bond from which to build that scary unhealthy mind-meld. it's more than manipulation, it's a total hijack.

This is a bit different from your particular problem but I wanted to let everyone know it's possible. I am living it. I cry for them both.