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I understand the theory. Someone mirroring your desires or your ideal self. But how exactly does that work? I'm assuming its subconscious, but are they portraying behavior that was explicitly expressed (i.e., My ideal mate is .  .), or is it traits they identify and pick up on?

Throughout my entire relationship with my exBPDgf, both the times that we were together in a r/s or when we were just "friends" I conveyed to her the type of person I was and the type of person I strive to be on a daily basis. Essentially, I try to be a strong, spiritual, motivated, intelligent and open-minded individual and I let her know that while trying to woo her. She used it against me. She pretended to be everything I was trying to be. We hadn't spoken in months and she contacted me to let me know she started a business. My first words to her... .I'm really proud of you. She knew she would get that validation from me and she got it. A few months later she recycled me and we began dating again. I mentioned on another thread that her exbf loved electronic music and I know she HATED it and always made fun of that scene. However, I saw pictures of her having a great time at an electronic music festival. She mirrored him and what she believed he wanted just like she did to me. Sadly, I do believe she wants to be the person I am, or at least try to be, herself but what I strive to be is healthy and that scares her way too much. It's tragic, but true.

My SO mirrored his preferences in drink, to foods which nearly destroyed his stomach the first few months to stating he had done many of the things I had, outdoor sports etc.etc. Fidelity, loyalty, honesty, he was big on the 100% honesty and even when told the truth, I'd be accused of lying because it wasn't the truth he wanted to hear. So... .it got confusing.

hi frustrated,

Unfortunately I am not quite understanding the distinction you are drawing, but I will give my .02 cents on it and maybe you can pull an answer from there!

I believe the mirroring that pwBPD do has much to do with their very limited if not non existent sense of self.  When I describe BPD as it showed itself in my BPDex to those who do not know about it I usually say something of the following:

"So you know how every person has things that make them feel good? That provide gratification? I for example really enjoy working out.  Some people like to knit, or hike, or ski, whatever. It is something that you can do to fulfill yourself.  pwBPD don't have that. They get their validation from others- which is why my BPDex is a serial cheater."

The way I see it, my BPDex picks up on peoples likes and hobbies because she sees them enjoying them and getting validation from them... .so if she does so too, she can share in that.  With the new guy she is with (that I guess she is engaged to, but she is definitely involved with another guy as well right now) she is all about the yankees vs red soxs rivalry.  She never once expressed a real interest in sports while I was with her.

When I was with her I spoke all the time about how I valued loyalty, honor, and integrity... .concepts that are about as foreign as foreign can be to my BPDex.  She wrote me a long email near the end telling me how she was trying to change her life to "walk the honorable path that I do".

It is also important to remember that EVERYONE mirrors people to some extent.  I caught myself doing it here recently.  I made friends with a chick and she has very cute/funny mannerisms/ways that she talks.  I found myself doing it almost immediately.