BPDFamily.com

Just wanted to hear everyone's quest towards recovery, along with the length of recovery. I was with my undiagnosed pwBPD for almost 4 years.

For me:

May: Random breakup (for the tenth time) but this time completely ignored me, changed her fbook d/p to her and another guy.

May-June: Feelings of extreme depression and anxiety, not motivated to do anything, could barely eat

July: Realization that she might be BPD based on her history and how our relationship functioned. Started reading these forums

      : My birthday, usually me and her do something since our bday's are so close. Never felt so depressed on that day in  my life

August: Lots of partying and drinking with friends. Starting to feel busier and a little better.

             After ignoring me for 3 months ( i stopped trying start of June), she randomly decided to casually call me to collect a tax return paper. At first i didn't want to see her, but i'm like hit it i have to see her at some point, we were together for 4 years. We end up talking in a friendly manner for an hour. I noticed she kept asking me about my "love life", dating, and then randomly brought up the new guy she had lined up without me asking.

September- October: University started and i'm back to studying. I've realized that even though i felt recovered in August, all that partying was just a temporary distraction to numb the pain.

So here I am, 5 months later, and I still think about her and ruminate everyday while she's off "honeymooning" with her new guy. Is this normal? I'm constantly alternating between feelings of acceptance, anger, emptiness, sadness, resentment, depression, and forgiveness. I usually go out once a week and the rest of the week i'm studying, so i get easily distracted with my thoughts. I'm completely NC, been working out, tried meeting new people (even though i'm very introverted), playing sports, but i still have these alternating feelings. Although the anxiety is definitely better, i feel like its almost been replaced with emptiness. I know that in the long-term scheme, this breakup is probably good for my stability. But at the same time, it's hard to feel satisfied with another girl, after the BPD relationship experience of quick passion and extreme emotional highs. It's almost like being addicted to a drug.

How much longer before I feel indifferent towards her and lively/optimistic again? What's your experience?

Hey gman!  I was with my uexBPDbf for 5 years, and here it is 2 1/2 years later.  At 5 months I was crazy with grief, barely functioning on many levels- reserving all energy to keeping up the appearances for work.  I have accepted what has happened, although I would not say I am indifferent to him.  I very much avoid places where I might run into him.  I alternate between all of those same strong emotions too- it has been intense.  I am to a place where I truly do forgive him, in moments, because I do understand that he is sick and not right.  Then I go back to a place where I am not forgiving.  I don't understand how someone can be so unstable, and not think they themselves need therapy. I have just started to date again- doing ok with it, but pretty rusty.  Not really ready to trust my heart with anyone, and it makes me sad because I am lonely.  It's totally crazy when you think of the relationship trauma we all have been through.  So many people who have never been in relationship with a personality disordered person can't even relate to what the heck we are talking about feeling- it's too painful to imagine.

Keep up the good work on getting out there, staying physically fit, and being committed to your own healing.  This too shall pass... .

Welcome!

Feeling indifferent has more to do with our ability to not focus on them but rather focus on what it is about us that got us into a toxic relationship to begin with.

I was with my BPD ex almost four years, during which there were several break ups. It's been a few months now and I still think about him daily, esp since his bday was yesterday. But it is getting better every day. I have slide backs where I feel sad again, but I am firmly in the camp of not ever wanting to see/talk to/be with him again.

I was very depressed during our other breakups and again this time, but after about three months this time, I began to sleep really well again. My sleep is full of good dreams and I wake up feeling better than I have felt upon awakening in four years. Lots of sleep really helps!

I am on a small dose of a mild antidepressant. I'm not big on ADs but I think it's helped me during this break up. I did not want to fall into utter despair and let's face it, these BPD break ups do affect your brain chemistry. I was proactive and immediately got on the AD when he left me again.

I take care to eat pretty well. I am not exercising so that is my next step. I try to meditate every night before bed. And I pray. And I see a therapist. This experience has been deeply traumatic to me so I feel I should take advantage of every help I can get so I can heal faster and be more effective in being happier again. But I also accept that I will not magically feel happy and that it will take a long time most likely to get over this.

I dated a little after this break up, but I've deciced I'm not interested and have stopped. I have been having a healthy social life with caring family and friends. I can't handle the stress and potential trauma of dating. Right now, I need to spend time with people who love me dearly and that I feel safe with. I am also working on home improvement projects and am trying to get back into a hobby that absorbs me and makes me feel peaceful. You need gentleness and stability after one of these breakups, it seems. And not to be isolated. I have a lot of supportive people in my life and zero interest in meeting new friends or partners. I'll take history over mystery right now. I have problems with anxiety so I'm doing everything I can to eliminate anything that provokes anxiety.

So it's a work in progress--but if you're not having progress I strongly urge you to avail yourself to any and all help you can get. You are wounded. You need special care right now. Embrace your fragility and take very good care to shelter yourself from pain and stress, and spend lots of time with people who make you feel comforted. Sometimes for me just going to the store and chatting with a friendly stranger about the weather is soothing and makes me happy. Or I listen to upbeat radio shows just to feel like I have positive company during times when I can't see family or friends. It makes me feel that the world is still a good place and I feel better.  Whatever you do avoid sad songs or movies or TV shows or books. Stick to only positive stuff. It will get better. But therapy really helps!

Partying after breakup with a BPD isn't the best idea because all you are doing is numbing the pain temporarily.  Allow yourself to heal by feeling.  It's okay to be sad it means you ARE healing! But please understand that the sadness is NOT because you are missing HER.  You are missing the fantasy you had created that you had FINALLY found the love of your life and the love you never had as a child.  Mourn and grieve that-not the crazy BPD.  You have never been grieving her. She was just the manifestation of the pain from the lack of love you had since childhood.

Hatred phase started in October, broke up in March, major anxiety and depression hit, month later started worldwide traveling, met a new girl, decided not to be anxious or stress about that and "wait until the best" girl arrives. Everything i did with my BPD ex in 6 months i did with this new girl in 2 days. I cut my chains off and decided I could wait an eternity for that one special girl but rather have my focus more short term as it might all end sooner than later and I rather spend the coming years with someone than being single with a "good social" life as the majority of your good friends will end up with little children, be more busy on themselves and you might feel alone again.