BPDFamily.com

I'm sure all of us at some point have wanted to get the relationship back, to work on it... .

But, how would you go about it?

Mine has stayed in contact, even tho she found a replacement.

I don't think it's a complete lost cause... .you must think i'm nuts for wanting more.

Eric, I've been there but I still think you're nuts for wanting more.

She's not good for you.

Do yourself a favour and ask yourself... .why.

Why do you need more abuse?

I love her. She distorted, I know.

Should I just ask her to meet for a drink?

Hi Eric1,

I can't tell you weather to get back with her or not, that's up to you. I'm one of the Stayers, and what I can tell you is that someone who wishes to be in a (relatively) functional relationship with someone with BPD needs to do a lot of hard work. On ourselves, our reactions, on communication skills, boundaries, time outs etc. There are easier relationships out there. The upside is that those are skills that will serve us well in all walks of life.

We have some excellent resources on this site. I don't know any of your history, are you familiar with

Stop the bleeding (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0)

and

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0)

?

Knowing the way to deal with situations, conflict resolution, boundaries etc i have a better understanding.

Thing is, she's seeing someone. So, I'm a bit out of luck with trying again.

Be careful.

You do realize... .

What awaits you... .?

Just know... .

We are here for you... .

Regardless... .

As fellow nons.

I can tell you first hand how tempting it is to go back (the good times are SO good) but the bad times are SO bad... and the BPD isn't going away. I really bought into the fact that things were going to be good "this time"... he had read a book, expressed his desire to be with me, move in, sent me flowers, etc... we had the most magical date last night and guess what... he has went silent on me. Ignoring, etc... and I feel like Ive been dropped on my head again. Try to stay away Eric, I know its tough but I promise you are better off. Its rare these people change

I still don't know if she is BPD.

I know, people must think I'm mad.  Some of my friends think I'm mad.

But, I still, to this day, love her.

Will we reconcile? I don't know & I don't know how to start it.

Do I just wait?

Tell her?

God knows.

Eric... .

You are posting on a mental health forum... .

For people who were/are with... .

Someone with BPD.

That is your biggest  red-flag... .

That you know... .

Something is clearly wrong... .

With this woman... .

That you love.

I know you still have feelings for her.

Just be very aware... .

That as she is with someone else... .

And is contacting you... .

Even if she were to leave that person... .

To return to you... .

Her behavior... .

In that regards... .

Alone... .

Means... .

She will... .

Reach out to other guys... .

While she is with you.

It is why we are all trying to warn you.

Eric, if you're serious about your love for her then set her free.  Work on yourself.  Work on being the very best 'Eric' you can possibly be.  Not in regards to her, but solely for yourself.  Detach from her with love, not anxiety and stress and being willing to get back with her while she's seeing someone else, ya know? 

In order to get any woman's attention, BPD or not, let them go.  Be the guy who will not settle for seconds thinking that they're firsts and foremosts.  You don't have time for that nonsense *)

Work through all of your anxious feelings in positive ways!

Are there positive ways you can think of?  And have you read through "Choosing a path"------------>

or the 'Lessons" on the other boards?

This is VERY TRUE. She will never be faithful to you, it's not in her nature to be.

So many conflicting emotions. For brief parts I feel & know that I shouldn't want her back, that i'm better off.

Then, I keep telling myself that she is for me.

I can't chase her. 1 - because she is with someone & 2. I have dignity.

I doubt she will contact me again, so untill that time, i just have to move forward and heal.

Sad really.

This could be a good indication.

In bold.

Eric. slap yourself across the face for me, please. I'm thinking your friends might be on to something here.  ;-)

I know.

Thing is, we spoke about marriage, we named our kids for christ sake.

Now, she's making these plans with a new bloke. Hurts.

I know, Eric. And she's probably chosen the same kids names with this new bloke. And she will do the same with the next bloke too.

There's a predictable pattern of behavior with pwBPD. When you heal you will be glad you didnt marry her and have kids with her. The pain of being separated from your kids by a vindictive spouse is even more painful than what you're feeling now Eric. If you think this hurts you really ain't felt nothing yet.

The person you fell in love with does not exist. The person you see now is who she really is. Hang in their my friend. Better things come to those who wait.

She wouldn't be able to. The boys name was going to be called something due to my character. And the girls we chose together... .Sad I know.

I can't see that I'm better for not being with her. It takes time, I just can't see any light.

Eric,

If you can't see any light in or about your own world and existence because she isn't your girlfriend anymore, then she's the least of your problems.

Surely there are things going on in your life to get excited about, aren't there?  And if there isn't, would getting back together with her change that fact, or do you need her for fulfillment?  What if she never comes back?  Then what?

And would she or any other person be into you with the negative sad vibes you're giving off?

Get into yourself with zest and enthusiasm!  Until you do, expect 'this', the way you're feeling right now, to be your normal.

Is this what you want?

Sounds like you're stuck. 

Are you interested in getting unstuck or do you just want her?

I've been doing so much. I'm back in great shape, I've bought new furniture for my house. I'm going to gigs, wanting to go traveling, finally found a career path that I want to take.

It's just seeing her Saturday has set me back & now I'm pining for her!

I haven't contacted her.

Thing is, I have a girl who really likes me, she is sweet & attractive, but there just isn't the spark like me and my ex had, or the arguments lol

Phoebe phrased it perfectly, Eric. I feel your pain and sadness and while its a horrible place to be, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  I've been there myself. Going back didn't make anything better for me... .Only worse but hey, you could be the lucky one.

I'm glad to hear there's a girl who likes you. This is a good thing even though you are not ready for anything yet. The spark you're referring to was fake. It was her getting your hooks into you and you falling for it.  It was not real, my friend. Whats real is the person you are seeing now. Hang in there.

Once you've seen the emotional two year old behind the curtain, you can't go back to the great and powerful Oz.  The gal that you loved so much is gone.  You won't see her again, even if you do reconcile.  She has already morphed into something else, like a shape shifter.  I think what really killed it for me with my ex was his lack of emotional memory.  He 'forgets' how he feels about someone as soon as they are not in sight.  How they feel in the moment is how they always felt to them.  That is why it is so easy to devalue/idealize us.  Like a two year old, they don't remember, they don't have the emotional maturity to be able to love deeply.  They love mommy, they hate mommy.  Same thing with how they feel about us.

Eric --

Are you saying that because you aren't certain that she has BPD, that is your reason for wanting her back?  There are plenty of people in this world that don't have BPD that behave horribly.  Bpd or not... .this woman treats you very poorly... .and you allow it.  Even now, she's lying to someone else about YOU!  

It's hard to be grateful that the kids names you picked out were never used.  However... .stop thinking about yourself for a second and think about what a life those little innocent lives would have with parents that are so tortured.  It's not fair to them!  Is that really the kind of life you want for your future children?  Life is hard enough without borrowing trouble like this.

It will never be as easy to detach from her as it is right now, Eric.  You aren't married, you don't have children with her, you don't own property together, etc.  If you think this stuff is hard now, go read the boards about what happens when you have to get divorced, have to deal with financial issues, property issuesl, and custody issues.  And who suffers the most?  The innocent little kids.  Read some of the stories about what it's like to be the child of a person that has BPD.  And don't use the "maybe she doesn't have BPD" card.  Whether she does or doesn't, she doesn't behave well.

She's made you her sloppy seconds, Eric. It's impossible to move to 1st place from that title.  Still, if you want to go back for more abuse and stress... .you will!  It doesn't matter what anyone here says.

When the pain of being with her is finally greater than the pain of being away from her, you'll jump off the merry-go-round. Maybe you haven't had enough of her shenannigans yet.  Many of us, (me too,) have been in this place, Eric.  Just know that every time you go back, the abuse is worse because she's already established that she doesn't respect you and she already knows she can get away with her horrific behavior.  Bpd or not... .she behaves very poorly... .and you let her do it!  It's not a good combination.

turtle

I implore you to not ignore the many wise people on here. My friends were candid with me too to get rid of my project.   I ended up marrying my project. I am now divorcing my project. We had a separation date about 6 months after we got married.  I thank a God I never had kids with this woman.

My friends get a kick out of telling me they told me so. They still are my friends and I have to love them for their frankness.

Your new girlfriend may or may not be the one. Your BPD girlfriend is definitely not the one. I can promise you that.

Good luck in your journeys my friend.

ABB

Eric1, the communication tools you can read up about on the Staying board are useful for all people. They are not some magic tricks that only work on pwBPD.  lol  Read up on them and improve your communication skills and yourself.

Whether she is BPD or a Martian from outer space is immaterial. If you want to be involved with her somehow, you will have to come to the point of accepting that she may never change -- this is true of ANYBODY we get in relationships with, not just pwBPD! Anyhow, that probably means that you will probably experience many cycles of being together then breaking up with her being with other guys in between.

You will need to acknowledge who she truly is whether you want to try and be with her again or whether you want to detach. Then you'll also need to look deeply within yourself to figure out what you truly want so you can make a decision. Whatever decisions you make, remember that you also have the right to change your mind too. It's not easy. Best wishes to you.  

Guess who called last night saying she made a mistake... .

And what did you do?

Agreed with her. Told her I know my value & worth. How she was and what she done was unacceptable. I said to her that I've grown as a person and the breakup has bettered me.

She then said that why has she not bettered herself with the amount of breakups she's been through. I said its because she's incapable of being alone, so she doesn't have the time to work on herself. I felt quite empowered and dealt with the situation completely different to how I would usually.

I didn't say I wanted to get back. She said she'd call me today.

I was pretty drunk to be honest.

I know you want to get back with her Eric. I would say that you are apart now and take the opportunity to stay away but i think that you feel you need to try again.  If you do, take the power you feel into the relationship and stick with it. Be coscious of it because if you are not, without realising, you are gonna be manipulated back to the way things were and she will have the power.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I would try again. But, this time round I would set boundaries and not put up with any ___ like I did last time.

If she wants me, she has to work for it.

So, you 'have a girl' who really likes you, minus the sparks and arguments of BPDx.  But BPDx is the one who's incapable of being alone to work on herself?  And you tell her this while you're drunk?

Hmm... .  Okay

Good on you for not being a doormat when she called.  |iiii  It's true, if people continue to save her from being alone, she will never work on her stuff.  People don't work on themselves because they are hurting someone else, it's only when a person themselves are in a lot of pain, do they consider getting help.  This is something a person can't do for another, we can only do this for ourselves.  If she does it for YOU, it ain't gonna work.

So, her drunken phone call saying she made a mistake, she can't stop thinking bout me, misses me etc

All meant... .Nothing.

I spoke to her today. She said she meant it but it doesn't have any immediate actions. If its meant to be it will be.

Said to not contact me again.

Don't feel bad surprisingly.

Sigh, they so live in the moment.  Sure she meant it at the time.  Consistent as a whirlwind.  That's why it's called a roller coaster, hopes high, hopes dashed.  It will end when you decide to no longer play, she can keep this ride going forever.

And it's stages like this that make me realise that she is a little disordered.

She said that i'm her best friend. I asked her if she was happy, she said that she's not going to awnser that. So, i assume she is, because if she wasn't happy, they usualy say they are to hide the fact.

I asked if her new chap knows she's in contact with me, she said "uh... .yeah", i then asked, "To this extent?" she said "No".

She asked if i had told anyone she's being crazy by calling etc.

I just don't know how she can say that she made a mistake, misses me & when i asked ":)o you want to get back together?" and she replys, "I think so, yes"

To then, nothing. Zilch.

Dang! She sucked you in - again.

Glad you don't feel bad.

Spend this time healing Eric.

As Rose Tiger said, this roller coaster ride will only end when you end it. A life of hell is not really pleasant Eric and you sound young enough to make the best of your life. A pwBPD will not give you a good quality of life. Don't you deserve more?

I don't feel bad. Just very, very confused.

I told her, again, we can't have any contact & if she were to contact then i would have to block her number, which is something i don't want to do.

I'm obviously not completley over her. Time with NC is the only way i can truly move on.

I also asked if she was going to my sports clubs halloween party, she said she wouldn't, i said thats probably for the best.

Understandable Eric. It's a part of the BPD dynamic.  I'm just trying to speed you up through the FOG to get you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember you said you don't see that light? Well, it's there my friend you just have to open your eyes and walk in the right direction to free yourself.  I'm not breaking your balls for any other reason.


Wow, you are so tough. I bet she has so much respect for you that she always does what you say. Isn't it time you blocked her number already? Why don't you want to do it? In case she needs you in an emergency? Let the new guy do it.


Understood and at least you are honest with yourself (and us). This is why you need to block her number, her email, etc. so that you can, as you say, truly move on.


She will go. That's not for the best. You know how you just bump into her on a night out? Yeah, well this is the reason you need to avoid the Halloween party. Find someplace else to go that night, Eric.

Eric, are you seeing a therapist? Have you looked at why you are still hooked to this person who is with someone else and treats you like a piece of sh!t? Disconnecting from her might seem hard now but it's harder later. How do you see your future? Where will you be in five years?

My friend asked me the same question, why don't you block her now.

I don't know. It's because I still want to get back. I understand that I should be questioning why & could probably see a therapist (which I can't afford), but unlike her, my feelings don't change like the wind.

Still in love. Very sad, really.

Eric1 sorry to jump in to the fray this late, but I understand you do really care for her.  I am serving divorce papers to someone I really do care about, but I discovered it was also more I cared about who I thought she was.  Someone here said once you see behind the curtain you can't un-see it.  This is more dramatic and overreaching then you know.  Even if things were to go good for a while you know what is there, and what they are capable of.  It touches every interaction you will have.  I worked on the communication tools and they are amazing, but I personally was very away of being her "caretaker" when doing so.  Like I was still the one bending in everything.  This is what I saw behind the curtain.  It is a tricky situation which is soul crushing at least to me.  I hung in a long time before I really bent so far I broke.  Take care of yourself.

Thanks for the response, knowing.

That's what part of me says 'just stay away now'.

I know what she's capable of doing, and I don't really know if I can honestly tame her completely.

When she rang me the other night, she said 'you made it to easy for me, I need to be put in my place'

I admit, I didn't set the boundaries soon enough. I was amateur in this relationship.

Has anyone sent or given a book to their ex that they thought would be worthwhile for them to read?

Yes ---  she read them for a week or so.  I got them sent back to me with inscriptions in them saying they would be useful to me with my mental illnesses during one of our separations.  We got back together. I gave the books back. They were thrown in the thrash by her. Save your money or better yet, buy a book for yourself to learn why you got into a relationship with someone who treats you like trash.

Eric, I hope you reach a point where you can cut the cord.  You sound quite a bit younger than me.  Get your fishing pole out. There are many, many other fish in the sea who are healthy and won't cause the pain you will experience with this person.

ABB

The book is for me (the art of the peaceful warrior), I'm quite a bit in, but it's so far about allowing the mind to switch off.

That our brains are for thinking and doing and the 'mind' is the weakness.

I over analyse and over think everything. I just want to be able to shut down once in a while.

The reason I stayed? I met her probably 2/3 months after getting out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. She was beautiful and idolised me, I really thought I struck gold. Obviously

It changed, and now I'm here!

It is funny that you are talking about this Eric as I just had a conversation with my mum tonight about how people should step back from a situation that they would normally react to.

I too tend to think too much, maybe not over analyse but definitely think too much.  My head is always full of different thoughts. Kost of it these days is consumed by my relationship.  I must just get a copy of that book.

I'm going to try and read 1 book a week.

Is called 'the way of the peaceful warrior' by dan millman.

You can download a pdf copy off the Internet.

WOW.  That sentence just spoke to me! I have printed it out and will look at it everytime I feel I want to contact her.