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You know something? I just realised... .for the whole of ten days, since I got angry on the 30th sept, the situation has not changed.

That feels so weird... .for months and months, something or other has changed every few days, sometimes every day, sometimes several times a day - and now, I know where I am, I know how the situaiton is in reality, and there is NOBODY telling me daily that I don't know what is what.

I do know what is what. I am single, I am sane, and I am getting on with my life.

And I really hadn't realised til now just how much of the last umpteen months has been a daily, EVERY day, uncertainty, trying to work out what is what, coming up with a theory that fits but only knowing half or quarter of the data.

I've been trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. Trying to find order in behaviour stemming from a disordered mind.

Now I no longer have any relationship, as lover or as friend, with my ex-bf, it means there is no change in that relationship.

And that means I no longer need to be trying constantly to adjust, to adapt, constantly on the alert, constantly struggling to keep my balance on an ever-tilting, see-sawing floor.

I'm standing on solid ground for the first time this year, aren't I?

And when I wake up tomorrow, it will still be the same situation - it now cannot be changed by anything my ex-bf says or does.

It feels astounding... .I think what a friend said earlier triggered my thinking, but I was just sitting doing stuff and it suddenly dawned on me. This is the first time this year, pretty much, these ten days, when I have done NO second-guessing, NO trying to work out what is going on, NO trying to make sense of non-sense, NO endless confused bewildered scared lost questioning.

I can't tell you what a relief it is, to know that my world will not be turned upside-down tomorrow by goalposts being moved yet again, by being told yet again that it's my misunderstanding, by having words say one thing and actions another.

My life - my mind - my decisions. Solid ground.

For so long, I fought against "giving up on him" for various reasons - to cling onto the dream of what once was, and because I wanted him to have just one person in his life who hadn't walked away, because I felt guilty, because, because, because... .

But when I finally, finally got angry on 30th Sept, I let go.

And now I can see what a huge relief it is to have a world around me which is not constantly changing, constantly shifting, constantly confusing me with things I can't make sense of, that I can't comprehend, that don't make sense... .

I can't wait to be in this same boat.  Way to go Escaped!

My uBPDw will be getting served papers sometime next week; I know I have some rough times ahead, but reading posts like this makes it easier to navigate through.  Thanks for the inspiration!

VERY inspirational!  How I SO needed to read this today... .I am reading your story as I nodded my head along with you... .you are learning to live in the NOW!  No longer obsessing over what was - if it was and what the heck it meant... .cause its behind you where it belongs... .You are not anxious about an uncertain future because you have found that solid place of relying on YOU!   |iiii

THANK YOU - you are right on the mark... .set to launch and fly with your wings intact!  Way to go!  Soar angel - soar!

In bold.

|iiii

You are clearing the distortion... .

Of having been... .

In a relationship... .

With a pwBPD.

Terra firma.  |iiii

Off my rock PD boy!  folie

LMBO Sabratha!  LOVE IT!   Let them try to find their own dang rock!

Escaped - I know exactly what you mean.  As the days ticked by I noticed I actually had PHYSICALLY held my body very tense.  I felt different because my chest & shoulders weren't so tight anymore.  AHHHHH - and the peace rolls in.

Yes - I've got the most incredible aches and pains all over just now - I don't think I've taken a phenacedrin in months, but just now I'm stiff and achey all over - I think I've been constantly tensed for so long that it's actually a bit tough for my body not to be tensed anxiously, on the alert! :)

I woke up last night dreaming that I was with the four great good friends who have formed a bodyguard round me over the last four months to protect me and to guide me and to encourage me to stand tall and strong - we were all dancing wildly and joyously round a bonfire, to the Eagles' "Take it Easy"!

"Lighten up while you still can,

Don't even try to understand

Just find a place to make your stand

And take it easy... ."