BPDFamily.com

Bad morning... .just need some encouragement.

I landed in therapy after the weight of this back and forth drove me to the point where I didn't care to get out of bed... .didn't quite care if I woke up from my sleep.  I never knew a human being could feel so low... .feel so abandoned.  I even let her back in my life 10 days later!  Therapist and I worked through the next 2 cycles... .tried to be her friend but it overwhelmed me too much and I found I was obsessing - hoping she would value me again and pursue me - KNOWING it would be the WORST thing for me... .it was making me CRAZY.  So I asked to be removed from FB... .hoping a little distance would help (this is something she offered me) and then she became angry with me.  After her abusive nasty email to me I lashed back at her.  I didn't call names but I denied wanting her - even told her I was seeing someone else... .And then my guilt began to set in... .

I am a spiritual person - my work - my livelihood is a spiritual position.  I felt bad for teaching people that it matters not how we are treated - we are to either not respond at all or if we do we are to respond with kindness and unconditional love.  :)oesn't mean you have to keep someone in your life - but it matters how we react for our own well being... .So... .I apologized for MY part - for MY words... .

No response.  She continues to work on my mentor's page on FB - posting things about God's love and all that... .I know I did right by my own spirit and didn't "expect" a reply - but I was hoping she was not a hypocrite since mentor thinks so highly of her.  How is it mentor cannot see?  She's a VERY intuitive woman... .VERY smart and has seen what this woman put me through for months... .I just feel like the world has gone on tilt - am I the crazy one here?  How can you preach love and light and not offer something of an apology back or at least accept the one given... .

I think that is what is really bugging me today.  I didn't ask for anything - even told her I wished her blessings in life - wording it so she knew I was not looking to have her back in my life.  I do not desire another go around.  

I also found out that Complex PTSD is not "officially" recognized as of yet on the DSM... .but the info on HOW one can end up with it astounds me.  One cause:

"long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & recycling behaviors."

That made me cry.  I knew I had been better in life... .over the years I saw little symptoms of this thing in my life - oh sure it bothered me when someone thought bad of me ... .but really had a calm anxiety free life.  But there is no way her behaviors didn't rip the scab off an old wound... .

Thanks for letting me vent.

I will have to do some reading about complex PTSD.  That quote describes the last 23 years of my life... .

Sorry you are going through this... .

Its worth the time to look into it... .Might be the thing to save your sanity... .HUGS

Hey Bauers, Do you really want to prolong the drama?  It sounds painful.  You note that you are a spiritual person, so maybe you can look at your r/s as something that wasn't meant to be.  BPD is extremely complex, in my view, and rare are the relationships that can survive it over the long haul.  It doesn't mean that you failed, or that you are a failure, by moving on from something that you seem to recognize is unhealthy for you.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

I've read up on C-PTSD and it sounds like what I have too.

I got diagnosed with PTSD after the turmoil with my BPD ex. Months later, and several EMDR sessions later with some cognitive therapy I have to admit progress is swift.

No I really don't want to prolong it at all... .That is why I have made the decision I have made to remove myself from the toxic soil I planted myself in.  I can see the lessons and have grown a lot from the experience - things that help me even in my work with others.  I could not see this working out in its current state... .I pray she continues to get the help she needs and finds balance in her life.  Wishing her well in my heart is good for me... .Keeping myself healthy by removing myself from this is even healthier :)

Therapy is key hon if you think this describes you... .it does not get better on its own.  HUGS

Encouraging to know :)

Not only encouraging but also logically.

Most non's who came out of a BPD relationship, were already damaged for starters (mental sane people would 1) not start a relationship with someone with BPD or 2) cut it off sooner). They are non-BPD's, but not non-other's :P. The BPD relationship was, for everyone, a shock, with some incredible highs and incredible lows. Most people after a BPD breakup suffer from the fact that they don't get closure and/or don't feel like they meant something, this is often accompanied by very nasty moments which you shared.

And those nasty moments can be tackled through EMDR sessions, which will lower the intensity of those hitty feelings which at a certain point in time your brain will only remember the good shared moments with your BPD ex, for when you are 1/2/5/10 years past your EX and you have moved on and occasional the good moments enter back :)

Well, it seems like you are still expecting or at least hoping for some closure from her in the form of an apology, acceptance of responsibility, or something like that to alleviate your pain.  Suggest that you don't hold your breath!  Those w/BPD are unlikely to admit anything negative about their own behavior, or admit that they might have contributed to the problems. 

That you have made the decision to get out of the toxic soup is the crucial first step towards your healing, in my view.  The next is figuring out why you ended up in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Go slowly and be patient with yourself.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

Thank you for your concern.  I've been in therapy for over 4 years now and tried lots of different medications, but nothing has changed.  I'm still totally F'd up.  My relationship with this woman has made things a lot worse.