BPDFamily.com

My mom is 57 years old, and is one of those people who takes advantage of disability and unemployment. She will get a job, claim she is sick/injured, then will continue this cycle repeatedly.

At one point, she claimed she fell inside a local mall, and sued them. Coincidentally, this was around the time her car was broken down. She won claim money from it, and bought a newer car.

I provide my mom financial support each month, and my Grandparents drained their retirement fund to support her. I also found out she pawned a bunch of gold jewelry that were family heirlooms, and since my Grandparents death, she has caused a huge fight about the will claiming it is fake. When we were cleaning out the estate, my Mom called the electric company to have the power turned off. We knew it was her because she is the only one on the account.


I know she uses a portion of the money for alcohol and cigarettes, and randomly comes home with new purses and things of that nature. She reminds me of a greedy teenager.

Recently, she told me she did not have enough money for her poryion of the rent. I was going to be nica ena pay the amount, but then she told me she is $2300 behind. This is forcing me to search for a place within 30 days. I am extremely stressed and have begun packing. She has not lifted a finger, and does not seem worried at all.

Any advice on what I should do?

Thank you in advance for taking the time to hear me out and help. I am glad I found this site.

Hi JJ660,

*welcome*

Welcome to bpdfamily! It sounds like you have spent a lot of years being affected by your mom's problems... .What a stressful life!

Do I understand you correctly that you are currently sharing an appartment with your mom and she is behind on her portion of the rent, so you decided to move out?

If that's what you have decided to do, it's your right to do it. What can we help you with? Are you concerned about how to navigate the situation with your mom having to move out? What specifically are you worried about?

This site has a lot of resources on how to deal with different situations and also many members, who have been through similar experiences. This is a good place to find your answers. We are here to support you.

Welcome to bpdfamily JJ660 

I too lived with a BPD mother for a long time so I can relate to the stress you're experiencing. Based on the things you've said about your mother's behavior, it seems like she feels entitled to be taken care of instead of taking responsibility for her life. This mindset of hers is probably the reason she hasn't lifted a finger and doesn't seem worried at all. She probably expects you to take care of everything for her. I know how difficult this can be, especially when they try to manipulate you with guilt and false accusations and make you feel like a horrible child for not doing everything they want. My advice would be to try to focus more on taking care of yourself and less on taking care of all your mother's problems. Easier said than done of course, it has taken me many years but I'm better at it now. Living in the same house as your mother can make this process more difficult but even then there are still ways to better deal with your mother's behavior. Do you intend to move out on your own or are you planning to find another place to live with your mother again?

Thank you both for your responses!

Yes, I am concerned about what will happen once I move out. I am considering not telling her where I am going, in fear of her showing up on the doorstep. I also worry about getting guilt-tripped, because she is not working right now, and cannot afford a place on her own. She literally may become homeless.

I am also worried because in the last few months (Since my Grandma's death) she has become increasingly erratic and angry. While cleaning out the estate, she called to have the electricity turned off on us. When confronted about it, she began screaming and yelling, told me to get out of the house, and called the police on me and my Cousin. She later began telling me the family says "horrible" things about me.

She is also claiming the will is fake, and refuses to turn over my Grandma's car, because she feels it is hers.

The other night she made a bizarre comment: "The family thinks I am a bad person, but I'm not. I don't know what you think about me, but I am NOT a bad person!"

Did you both have to cut them out, or just establish firm boundaries?

At the same time, I am fearful because I do not have a place lined up yet. I have a friend who offered me the couch until I found a place, and I have been searching for potential roommates. Just seems everything is out of budget.

Hi again JJ660,

All those concerns are valid. No wonder you are stressed out - dealing with the situation AND also the stress of how your mom will take it and what she will say/do as a result. Have you had a chance to read any books on BPD yet, or is BPD a new discovery to you?

I do happen to have a mom with BPD, even though the main reason I am on these boards is my step-daughter. My mom is 'high-functioning', and so she has no problem taking care of herself financially, and she is still married to my dad (who has NPD traits) - they are both successful professionally. However, my childhood was fairly dysfunctional. I live far away from them, but still talk to them regularly. I did have to establish firm boundaries with them. Sometimes it is easier to just give them limited information about my life... .

You say that you support your mother financially. Is that something you do because you want to, or is it something you do out of obligation and guilt? Are you planning to continue to do so after you move out? How long has this been going on? Do you have any other siblings?

I assume that since you are packing, your mother is aware of the fact that you are moving. Did you have a conversation with her about that? Do you think she is assuming she is moving with you?

I don't blame you you don't want to let her know where you will be living... .And I am sure that in due time you will find something. That friend's couch as a back-up is a good idea - it will take some of that stress off.

Keep posting, you will find support for yourself here, which is something we all need in a relationship with a person w/BPD. Also, other members might have good ideas for you on how to deal with your situation.

To start brainstorming on how to handle this situation, I would explore these links:

One that explains the guilt-tripping you talk about: SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG" (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog.htm)

This one is a good resource on how to better get our point accross, if we are going to say something/anything that our person w/BPD might not like:

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.htm)

And also, this is a good video on setting boundaries:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Secrets of Limit Setting - Randi Kreger

www.youtube.com/watch?v=85_eYftuv0k

Hi again JJ660,


I still have contact with my my uBPD mother but I've set firm boundaries now and am much better at not taking her hateful comments personally. It also really helps me that I'm no longer constantly surrounded by her negativity all day. Living with a BPD mother is a huge challenge but knowing about the disorder can help you develop better coping strategies. Unfortunately for me I only learned about BPD after I moved out. Looking back I realize that all my knew knowledge about this disorder would have greatly benefited me back then when I was just a young and extremely vulnerable child. Sometimes I sit and look at my mother and think how on earth is it possible that this person can turn into an absolute monster/witch out of nowhere. Now that I'm an adult who has studied the disorder I'm better able to handle her behavior, but I sometimes do think to myself what's the point of having contact with someone who has hurt me like this... .I find it hard to forgive certain things she did because they had huge consequences for me.

Your situation is very difficult but I do hope you'll find some peace of mind and a place to live free from the BPD drama. As children of BPD parents we often sacrifice our own life for their happiness, but the sad thing is that no matter what we do we can never make them happy. This leaves us feeling like a bad child but you gotta keep reminding yourself that it really isn't ok if a parent demands her child to sacrifice his or her own happiness to make them happy. I can relate to the guilt you feel but when you look at it rationally, the only people who should feel guilty are our BPD parents. Unfortunately many of them seem totally incapable of empathy and feeling remorse of any kind.