BPDFamily.com

I am cycling up and down daily it seems!  I know it's only been a month and it was my decison to leave the relationship... .but this is really painful.  He's dating several women and making sure he's out in areas I will run into him and see! I feel like I should be angry but instead I just feel sad and weak. For some reason my exBPD needs me to see what's going on.  Please tell me this gets easier and fast... .we were together for 2 1/2 years.

I would like to tell you that it gets easier and faster. It was not for me. After a 2.5 years relationship. it took me 3 years to recover. And still now, there are moments when I am so sad and hurt. I think that after a while, it becomes more about identifying areas in me that need work, (self-esteem), than lingering on the hell I went through because of her. Hang in there - It will pass  |iiii

It's early and what you're feeling is completely normal.  It's best to do everything you can to not cross paths with him and start focusing on where you're going, not where you've been.  Very difficult at first, we've all been there, but keep putting one foot in front of the other, and in time things will become clearer and easier.  And he is not happy, he's just playing the games they play.

Thanks sfgirl.  And heeltoheal... .I did go to a different trader joes today it's only a little further but definitely worth it.  I think he's just trying to make me regret my leaving... .which even though I'm sad and in limbo I don't. I know nothings changed... .he is who he is. Can't wait for the day when I don't think about him anymore and the games don't effect me.

Cooper, it DOES get better: a LOT better, better than you were even before you met this ill person.  The only way you can get better fast (and I mean weeks NOT years) is to truly understand that you are NOT missing him. What you are feeling is the disappointment at the loss of a fantasy which stems from the lack of love you had as a child. You thought this time it would be right, that you finally found the love of your life who would make all the pains you had bottled up be gone and you realized boom it was all smoke and mirrors. You feel angry, betrayed, confused, hopeless, all that. But take time to heal the wounds of your childhood - that's how I got better quicker.  It's not him.

Good for you!  It can feel a little silly, and make us mad, when we need to modify our life for someone, but you gotta do what you gotta do for you right now.  It's not about him, but they do come in handy to see how well you're doing in your own growth; one day you'll be living your life for you, you'll run into him somewhere, and it just won't matter, no strong emotions come up, no nothing, and you'll know you've healed and grown, which might be the best thing about a relationship with a BPD.  For now, one foot in front of the other... .

I have never felt such excruciating pain in my life.

Fortunately he moved to a suburban town 20 miles away. But I used to get teary just shopping at the grocery store. (We shared a passion for cooking so it was a fun outing for us.)

Hang in there. Try not spend time alone where you can ruminate. Absolutely do not look at any mementos. Force yourself to go out with your friends. See new things. Go new places.

To hope always.

Yes. That is actually how I felt. Betrayed!

After all I did for him: resume writing, getting him a great job with a friend of mine, listening to his suicidal tears, taking time off from work, paying for food and clothes while he was unemployed, taking him to rehab.

I am having to rebuild my business and pay bills. I resent everyday that I put his needs before mine. Yes, his needs were real. But perhaps I should have seen that his own family did not help him in his time of need was a red flag.

Cooper 8675,

I left my ex too and it felt like cutting my left hand off to save my arm. I know many on here have been abandoned by their ex's but breaking up with them IS EXTREMELY painful in that it's like having to bury a parent. My ex and I had many recycles... .each recycle more abusive than the last... .when I finally decided enough was enough but the emptiness and sadness you feel after a couple of days of not being with them tricks your brain into believing that you made the wrong decision.

But quite honestly it's the best decision you could have ever made for yourself. You need time and space from your 2 and a half year ordeal. You need talk therapy, exercise, and a re-commitment to yourself to get better. You need self-forgiveness and patience. In time you will see how truly sick your ex is... .and more than likely you will begin to see how your own issues contributed to this toxic dance.

As for your ex dating showing up in places where you'll likely see him... .that's his shame on full display. When we break up with them they perceive it as abandonment. And because they are emotionally stunted they will engage in egoic, immature, tit for tat, payback games. They have the emotional maturity of a child between the ages of 3-6.

Playing this game does hurt you and his intention is to punish you... .but believe me... .if he's going to these lengths for payback that means he's hurting much more than you.

My ex did the very same thing. He used his ex-girlfriend to hurt me even when he told me he hated her. He showed up in places where I would see him with new supply... .all to make me jealous but I stayed grounded in my decision because I knew I couldn't go back to his messiness. Remember this: Once the mask is dropped our ex's are no prize catch... .so try not to care too much about who he's dating because he won't be any different with someone else.

But to answer your question; it does get better. The cliche of time is tried and true but you've also got to commit to detaching and understanding that this sick man could never have the keys to your happiness.

Spell

Yikes!

The last thing I did before the subsequent six weeks NC was to give my ex a card which said (amongst other things) "You hold the keys to my heart... ."

That was before I investigated BPD/NPD

Are those words going to come back and haunt me in some way, knowing what you good people do about BPD?

No, you just need to change the locks.  And what that metaphor means is that you can strengthen your boundaries as you become stronger and healthier, ultimately the gift we get from a BPD relationship.  A BPD needs to attach, must attach, to another person because they don't have their own fully formed self.  They do that by busting through any boundaries you did have early, mirror what they see as your good, and assimilate that as their own to combat the bad between their ears.  Parasite comes to mind. 

Of course they are also very good at pegging people susceptible to that extreme early boundary busting.  The gift we get is a BPD will shine a spotlight on all the areas that still need work, and will reflect the way we've felt about ourselves since childhood.  Also, the way they end up treating us gives us a glimpse into how they were treated as children.  So one great question as we detach is how are we going to use that information?  A BPD tells us what polite, well adjusted people usually won't, so we can use it to better ourselves.  Of course there's a lot of dysfunction in those relationships, cognitive distortion, projection, so it can take a while to weed through it.  Take what you need, leave the rest, but what a great opportunity, motivated by pain, for us to really look at ourselves and grow a bunch, on our way to the stellar relationship we really deserve.

This resonates with me because I did so much of the same.  That's why they seduced us: they knew instinctively that we are givers, that's why they stayed with us.  Our constant giving was an ego boost for them. it validated them.  I helped her with her college papers, paid for everything. I too resent everything I did for her. Anger is sometimes healthy, it makes us get over them way quicker!

Thanks heeltoheal  |iiii

I've made a new topic for this reply in the hope of a wider readership (Triggers)

Thanks to everyone this helps a lot.  I'm glad I found this family... .I think if I had known the last time my ex BPD broke up for a couple of months I might not have gone back when he asked. 

Good idea Century2012... .I boxed up all the mementoes and they are one at the bottom of the closet under a whole bunch of stuff... .I'd have to empty it out completely to get to them.

Bpdspell... .that was very helpful.  When I left I knew this was coming but have never made my way through to the other side. I just always gave in and went back to him. This time I actually told him that I was willing to go thru the pain of seeing him with other women because that was better than waking on eggshells, the screaming, lying, etc.  So, today I went to my works happy hour... .got out of the house and socialized so I'm not so isolated!  I had a great time and my stomach hurt a little less!  Like fromheeltoheal said one foot in front of the other.

Thanks again.

Could someone please repeat this to me over and over. I know he's actively searching for my replacement on an online dating site and whilst I can rationalize everything to do with this experience in my good/better moments, it is difficult in the not-so-great moments to stomach that he will be with another soon. I kind of need to remember your words, like a mantra... .and to let go of any effect the thought of him with another has over me.

Breathe... .feel okay without him... .and just accept that moving on is a really good thing, a peaceful and healthy thing.

YES!  It will get better... .  You are doing the right thing... .grieving

He is doing what BPD's always do... Put you in a shoe box up in the closet and found a new pair of shoes.  It is not personal, he NEEDS shoes or he will feel the concrete against his feet.  They use other people to buffer their own pain.

In the end, all your crying will pay off... .  You will have healed yourself, and he will still believe that a new pair of shoes will cure his broken, sore feet.

Stay strong and hang in there!  I was there and I know EXACTLY how you are feeling!

Keep crying, and find a little time for doing some things that you enjoy doing.  Renew your strength with those around you who love you, and be good to yourself.

You are important and your feelings matter.  Give yourself the time it takes, and cry all you want.  That is exactly what you are suppose to be doing!

  Laelle

Thank you laselle.  I need that today... .I'm having a bad one.  Yesterday was better. I forget that when I'm in pain that he's using someone else to cover up his instead of dealing with it. I am trying to remember that he's doing exactly what he did with me and the other women he was with during our relationship. He'll be telling a woman he's been with for a month that he's falling in love with her then push her away, not call when he says he will, show up 45 min late without a phone call or a text.  I know that I have to take responsibility for why I stayed and figure that out but... .Why are BPD's SO GOOD at making you believe they are so GREAT for so long?

Beautifully stated. Thank you.

Because they NEED for you to take their pain away or they feel they will CEASE TO EXIST...   I know that is a really hard concept to grasp, but if your LIFE hinged on you being good at doing something, would you not try to be the best at it?  At one point my ex could have cheated on me in front of my face and talked me into believing that it

wasnt true.  He was THAT good!  They can create a real mind hit.

If your ex is BPD and not gettting help, he wont change.  His life will be like sitting and watching the same movie over and over again.  Different actors but same plot and same ending.  You are a very strong person to walk out of this movie and refuse to buy any more tickets to it.

I know it hurts... .Hell, I would have done ANYTHING for my ex.  I thought he hung the moon.  7 months later, I realize that I should have been hanging that moon for myself and left him to try to figure out how to hang his own.  He wont tho... .he will continue to "MANIPULATE" other people to try to hang a moon that can not possibly be reached.

In this relationship I felt like I was the horse chasing a carrot on a stick... .

Hang in there... .!