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So here we go again.  My husband and I requested a school meeting to deal with grades and attendance.  If it were only that easy.  While in the meeting, another person stopped by and joined our meeting.  :)id not know this person as someone on our "school team".  Come to find out that she is from children and youth protective services.  Our dd told someone at school yesterday that I got into a verbal argument with her.  She left the room and went to another part of the house.  I followed her with a hot knife and pressed it on her arm and burned her.  There is more, but this is the shortened version.  Anyhow, an investigation has to be done along with a safety check of our home.  Seriously.  Thank GOD I stayed late at work on the day of the alleged incident and have proof that I was not at home.  How do my husband and I continue to manage with all of this stress hanging over us?  I am so ready to move out myself.   :'(

Oh dear muffetbuffet... .I am so very sorry that you are going through this. 

The first book I read on BPD was Stop Walking On Eggshells by Kreger and Mason.  In the book it says that false allegations of abuse are common with people who suffer from BPD.  I started keeping a daily log and diary of all my interactions with my daughter to help protect myself if she ever made false allegations.  Thankfully I didn't have to go through that.

Remind me please, is your daughter diagnosed?

Hang in there muffet!

muffetbuffet,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.   

Have you experienced anything like these false allegations before?  I could not imagine going through that.

peaceplease

Daughter is not formally diagnosed, but "demonstrating symptoms of BPD" is what we are told.  We have been told that she will not be able to be formally diagnosed until age 18. 

Yes, we have gone through the whole allegation stuff before.  Previously, dd made a claim that her older bio brother (who also lives with us) molested her repeatedly for 2 years.  Children and youth services along with several interviews with police and the case was unfounded.  She still claims that it happened while he says it did not.  Real tough situation to be in when it is one child against the other.  DD always felt that we took son's side in all of it.  She blames us for the alleged molestation and said that we allowed it to happen. 

We too used to keep a journal but kind of got away from it.  Guess it is back to it again!

Muffet

My heart hurts for you. I have been in your shoes and it is truly the worst feeling  I remember the call I got one day from children's services when out daughter told her then new therapist and school that she was abused by my husband. I cried and cried that day. I think here is where you can see the illness plainly and understand how sick your dd is.

Here is what changed for our family that day. We realized we could not go it alone and we needed to call for help when she was deregulated. That day we called the police when she ran away or self harmed. Take her directly to the ER when she was trying to hurt herself. We could not put our selves in a position like that again. I also kept a journal and wrote of any conflict or problems daily. It helped when we were at meeting at p hospitals to have a timeline. So much happens that it is hard to remember all the details.

So going forward what is your plan for dd? Is she getting any help? We found a new therapist last Christmas and she really has made a difference. Our dd16 was in a RTC for a couple of months and that helped break the cycle of self harm. I hope you are doing okay.

Thanks for asking.  I am doing better today than yesterday.  I cried too many tears yesterday.  Tears of anger, frustration, fear and desperation.  We are so stuck at this point.  DD did have a med check appt. yesterday after our school meeting.  She did say that she would get back on meds and she did take them last night.  Will see how far that goes as we have heard this story so many times before.  Ironically, dd  received a letter from her therapist yesterday because of cancelled appts. she is ready to close her case.  I knew that the letter was coming as therapist contacted me prior to sending it.  When we asked if she was going to reschedule, dd said she was not sure.  So, at this point aside from our school team, we do have the med. dr but she only sees dd once a month and that is not really a help to us.  Children protective services will be at our house this week for a safety inspection.  My husband and I hope that we have the opportunity to sit down with the person who comes to make yet another plea for help.  It is sad to say that the conversations that my husband and I had last night were how do we protect ourselves at this point?  We need to make sure that we are not alone with dd unless absolutely necessary.  There is absolutely ZERO TRUST with her at this point.  We will go back to documenting on a daily basis.  We are "friends" with our local police and do not hesitate to call them if we feel the need.  They unfortunatly know our home well and have a good background of the history of issues here so it helps if we call them. 

Muffet

I am sorry but I don't remember your dd age. How old is she now?

I remember times when my dd stopped taking her meds or they were changing her meds.  It is not easy and I am sure your dd's mood is all over the place.

Can you figure out a way to get her back to her therapist or to to new one?  My dd saw two different t's  and did not click with them. If she is resisting it might be time to look for a new one.  Her T now does DBT and it has been just what was missing and needed

For us school is a real stressor and I realize my anxeity over this issue is high. I am trying not to micro manager her. She needs to be passing all her subjects or she loses the truck and the ability to drive herself to school. This is something she values a great deal. Can you find a consequence for her?

Lastly have you found a therapist for yourself? Are you all seeing a family therapist. We found a good family therapist and she is helping us a great deal.  I think it is very important to find someone familiar with BPD. We had family T before and their suggestion of what we could do were not the best looked back. Thankfully we realized they were not equipped and we moved on. I guess that has helped. I feel like I wasted time and money with therapist who were clueless. Finding someone for you dd and family will make a difference

I am sorry I am going long with this reply. It really brought back a lot of memories for when my dd had done this to us. The hurt was unbareable but we got through it and made some needed changes   I hope you are better today. They obviously don't believe your dd or she would have been removed from your home. Stay strong. Once they inspect your home they will see the truth.

jellibeans,

What helped you get through the investigation of allegations of abuse made by your daughter?

What changes did you need to make to protect yourselves in the event she made these allegations again?


lbjnltx

I think the main thing was to call police when she reach a point of being out of control. What happened the night she accused my husband is long but he was trying to calm her down and stop her from hurting herself. We thought wrongly we could do this on our own. After that night we changed. We called the police and if possible we tried to walk away before she got so out of control. We learned how to better defuse the conflict and better yet we learned how to reduce the conflicts with her.

I think with a person who has ODD there is always a lot of conflict and a constant power struggle. We set up better boundaries and looked for natural consequences. I think I have just changed how I interact with her and that has made a huge difference.

We are still learning and I mistakes and so does she but I think she seems more willingly to listen to us and we have been more open to listen to her too. I am hopeful things will continue to improve. I am hoping she matures more and I think that will help too.

Sorry I didn't address how we made it through

I got a phone call from children services so I was aware they were investigating but what I didn't know was they had removed my dd from school that day and they were interviewing her. I got a call around 4 that day telling me they were coming to my home with my dd to discuss and investigate. They were very stern with me and told me my husband needed to leave work and be there too. Very stressful. When they arrived and after they talked with my daughter and my husband and myself they realized what the real story was and told us they still needed to report what happened but that he doubted anything would happen further. So the whole thing happened all in the one day and it was not spread out. It was a terrible day and I just cried and cried. CPS told us they came there with every intension to remove our dd but after talking with us they truly got the whole story. It was day that changed us all. We realized we could not put ourselves at risk so I kept a journal and we called for help or took her to the ER.

Hello Muffet,

I am coming to this conversation late, but I want to say that I am sorry you are going through all the pain and the stress.  

I think that the others have given you wonderful advice - and some of it you already knew, so you just had to dust it off, and start the journal again.

I read a book on BPD that talks about divorcing spouses and false allegations. Some of that information might be helpful in your situation also:

The main point was to - yes, 1. document; and the other points were - 2. to be cooperative with the authorities, and 3. to keep calm, when/if the pwBPD tries to stirr anger in us in front of the authorities.

The main point was that the pwBPD can be very persuasive in their accusations. However, sooner or later, if we remain calm, cooperative and follow rules, it will become impossible for the pwBPD to keep up that picture of us being the out of control ones and they will eventually start incriminating themselves as well.

It is a good thing that you already have a good relationship with the police - that can stand as a huge support in your favor. And even that painful experience with past allegations can now stand as a piece of the puzzle that will paint the rest of the picture... .

Hopefully that CPS visit can be a positive experience - an opportunity for getting more help for dd, rather than a tool for dd to 'get you in trouble'.

Please let us know how it goes... .

Sounds like I have stirred the pot here a bit with my original post.  As bad as this experience has been, I am glad to see that many others have gone through it also. Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts and stories.

jellibeans,  DD is 16 (516 days until she turns 18  :)).  The T that she currently has, but is ready to dismiss her is rather new.  DD had an issue with T this summer so we switched her to someone new.  DD has only gone twice and has refused to go again.  Don't think she has even given this woman a real chance as DD has been in the I don't need help mode for the past few months.  I will revisit scheduling an appt. this week. 

We have been through family based therapy three times.  Each time, we were able to get past the big hurdle at that time and move forward.  At this point, I don't think family therapy would be productive as I know I would be hesitant to talk in front of DD about the issues at hand since she is so hateful, spiteful, disrespectful, untruthful, etc that we cannot give her more fuel for her fire.  Husband and I have talked about finding someone for us to talk with, but have never really followed through.  Maybe it is time.  It really is hard to care for ourselves in the middle of all of this. 

On a positive note, it is very quiet here today.  DD did comply with request to get back on her meds at least right now.  She has been sleeping for hours, but that is a normal reaction for her when she starts on the meds.  She has also been a bit reserved in that I think addressing the allegations in front of our whole school team and then being told that I was not home so really no one believes her was quite a blow to her.  She knows that she has no one to go to to talk about this whole mess and cry the blues as everyone has heard the true story and she is lying.  It was  real wake up call for her.  I really believe that GOD makes things happen for a reason. 

That's a good report, muffetbuffet!



Thumbs up on both accounts!  |iiii

Actually - thank you for stirring the pot. I think this is really a topic worth exploring.

I think this was a great topic and it highlighted a very common trait of pwBPD... .but I think the more important lesson here is what you will do going forward. I feel sometimes I am so busy running around putting out fires I miss the real point of the problem... .something has to change or it will happen again... .your dd needs someone to talk with and share her feelings even if they are not true... .working with a therapist can help her. I hope the best for you all... .sounds like you have a plan in place going forward... .don't get bogged down with the day to day stuff and try to look at the bigger picture here... .times like this remind me of the illness and if my dd could do better she would... .my dd is not evil... .she is sick... .all I know is that I can and will keep searching for better methods to interact with her... .baby steps...

Oh yes the false allegations.

I opened my door to 8 cops and the street blocked off after a 911 call from my dd who was at the neighbors.

but it gets "better"

I teach high school where she was a senior at the time and she arrived on school with a neck brace letting everyone know she had a fractured neck because of the 'beating' I had given her.

I said nothing but held my head high.

It was tough then but I can even laugh now.

It gets better... .

My BPD.d made allegations against my dh. From that point forward, our plan to protect ourselves was that either one of us was never alone with her. It was extremely exhausting and stressful, but necessary. Also, we documented any major interactions with her and in addition, I kept a simple journal with quick notes of activities of each day as a trigger reminder should we need to know what we had been doing on any given day.

So if this is something that we all deal with ... .the lies ... .the allegations... .is there ever anything that the law or child protective services will do to help out... .to deal with false reports?  I should not be afraid to live in my own home.  My husband should not be afraid to live in our home.  We should not have to write down every interaction with our daughter for fear that we may have to use the evidence to keep ourselves out of jail at some point in the future.  I get it that dd is ill. I get it that she needs help.  I get it that it is my job as a parent that I should do all I can do to help her, but this is getting old really fast.  She is literally killing me with all of the stress of living with her.  Sorry for soundling mean and angry tonight, but I am!  I just want my life back.  I am not asking for a perfect daughter, but I also should not have to live with someone whom I am afraid of.    :'( :'(

Oh yeah, DD got up this AM and is just a wonderful human being  Pleasant conversation and being "normal".  Even referred to us as mom and dad today when she has been calling us by our first names since we are "not her parents".  I am not sure what is harder to deal with... .the angry child or the sickning sweet one?  I know in my heart that it is all superficial and there is no meaning behind her kindness.  It is hard to just take it for what is is worth and live in the moment.  I am still so hurt from her accusations and would love to confront her on it, but know that it would just create a huge mess.  She will be confronted at some point, but it will be with a third party involved and not just my husband and I. 

Oh happy day.  Lord I pray that I can get through another day of this non stop drama. 

Muffet

Have you ever considered placing your dd in foster care?  Or is there a relative she gets along with who would be willing to help?

You and your husband should not have to live this way.  You do not deserve the abuse she is dishing out, and sadly, being a minor empowers her.  She is playing the system at the expense of her family. 

Even a temporary break might get the message through to her that you have had enough of her behavior. 

Hi again Muffetbuffet,

I am sorry, I don't remember - is your dd adopted, or is she your bilological child?

After so much drama, it is hard to 'get over it' when our child has seemingly gotten over it or just being superficial, or whatever is going on with them... .I know this hurts and it is all really stressful, and I understand your feelings - when my sd would switch her behavior like that, I wanted to confront her too, or alternatively, I wanted to just leave and not look back... .

The thing that helps me now, is that if I feel that way, I remind myself, that under all those behaviors, in there somewhere is a really scared little girl, one who is in pain, and has a hard time living with herself and her own emotions... .

Also, I remind myself that my feelings are perfectly reasonable, that anger is a sign that something needs to change. The thing that keeps me hopeful is that we are moving forward, I am still learning skills that can improve the interactions that I have with my sd (even though I don't have the power to make her better), and with the help of natural consequences, and reinforcing positive behavior, we have a better chance of our lives being more peaceful... .

Baby steps... .Hang in there, Muffet.

Wow muffet!  That is some crazy stuff!  I'm so sorry you have to deal with it.  Doesn't it just tick you off that any time someone makes an allegation the state just has the right to DEMAND to talk to you and check your house like you're some kind of lowlife. 

Did dd mark herself or is there no proof?  I know it will be unfounded but jeez it just puts you through the ringer doesn't it?  How are you going to deal with your dd as far as these accusations go?  Such a tough position to be in.  I imagine you want to scream and strangle her but the states there watching dang it!  I do know the pain and frustration you are going through as we have been there too.  I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this situation.

crazed

DD was adopted by us at the age of 7. 

We asked this summer about turning her over to foster care, but because it is our request that "we cannot handle her" we have to pay to have her placed in care.  Something like 25% of family income which is crazy.  We do not have any family that would take her in... .have already asked that.  Honestly that would just be moving the problem from our house to another.

I am not sure how to deal with the allegations.  I would really like to confront her, but won't do that without support in place.  I am sure she will not take any responsibility for what she has done.  One of her "injuries" was a burn on her wrist that obviously was self - inflicted.  Looks like her hair straightener.  My concern is that if she is willing to self inflict an injury to create this mess, what else is she willing to do?

You are in such a difficult position muffet... .

You are right though, that it would just be moving the problem on to another house. Plus, your dd would have an additional wound from being 'rejected'/'abandoned' by you. These darlings so need to be loved and yet, they can make it so hard for us to love them... .

I have read this book:The Primal Wound (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207701.0.htm) not too long ago. It gives a really good description of adopted children's issues and explanation for their behaviors. It is also a book that can heal some of the adopted parents' hurts. If/when you have the time and energy, I think you might find it helpful... .

Here is an idea I am just throwing out there... at one point I thought of getting a camera... .one that can video tape our conflicts so I have something to go back on in case she accused me or my husband of abuse. The security kind of camera that is triggered with movement etc... .

jellibeans... .Great idea on the camera but the whole crazy part about these allegations is that neither my husband or I were home when it all supposedly took place.

Do you think that things might improve in this area since she was not able to convince people she was abused? Our dd I think was rather shocked by the schools response to her allegations... .I don't think she really knew what she was doing at the time... .I don't think she will do this in the future because it really wasn't believed and also she was a bit scared by the whole thing.

jellibeans

My grandkids have told me about similar instances at their schools.  Where children are angry with their parents and they "report" them for misconduct or abuse.  When an investigation ensures they are mortified at being told THEY are the problem, not the parents and that the allegations are not true.  They lied.

These kids get the attention they were seeking but at a price.  Humiliation.

They wanted to start trouble, gets lots of sympathy, and yet they end up putting their parents through hell and looking like a spoiled brat to their peers. 

Mamma and muffet

it is a hard thing for parents to go through... .we were shocked and devastated but once it was over I had to go back to the school... .I was not angry with my dd and I asked them not to be either... .the school she went to was some what judgemental... .I wrote a long letter to them trying to explain... .it was very embarrassing for dd and I think she felt some shame about it too... .I really feel when they are at their worse is when they need us the most.

I think what makes this siuation so hard for all involved is that we as parents feel we are being judged... .somehow if we were better parents things like this wouldn't be happening... .have you heard parents comment on other kids behavior and blame the parents? Although this might be true at times it is also true that when dealing with a person with BPD their actions are out of our control. What makes it twice as hard is the mental illness... .we are trying to protect our children from this label but at times it is just impossible to do so.

So I understand that the allegations are yelling out for help.  How do you get past all of the emotion in all of this?  Today I found myself wanting nothing to do with daughter.  She had a dr. appt. I picked her up.  Not a word was spoken in the car ride to dr.  She sat at one end of waiting room and I sat at the opposite end.  There were a few words spoken on the way home, but only about dr. appt.  I just could not handle being around her  I drove to our home, dropped her off at the end of the driveway and left.  I went to the mall and walked around until husband was done with work and then we both went home.  Not sure if it is the fear of being left home alone with her and the possibility of other allegations or the idea that she really hurt me.  I have no idea if she has any idea of what she has done, but two of the people who have fought for her for the last ten years are at the end of their rope and ready to say we are done.  Should I confront dd about it all?  I just cannot let this all go and pretend it never happened like I think she is hoping will be the case.  Very frustrated right now. 

Admit you need help to help her. None of us can do this alone. Sometimes we have to give up to allow others to try.

I think this is all so raw right now. It is understandable that you are hurt I am sure you are hurt badly. Can you take some time away? I think what you need to ask yourself is what are you hoping to accomplish by confronting her. Do you think she doesn't know you are hurt? Angry? Are you expecting something from your daughter she is not capable of giving. I think you could sit and discuss with her new boundaries going forward. Explain to her what you are expecting of her etc. but can you do that without showing anger? I think realizing she is sick and realizing she has made a very poor decision is what matters.

Try to take the emotion out of this. Don't confront her with anger it will surely be get anger.

Can you take some time to get over the hurt?

jellibeans,

The main reason I have not confronted her is that I know it would not be done without emotion and just like situations in the past, she has no understanding of how she hurts others with her behavior. She did the same thing to my son a few years ago claiming she was molested.  Unable to prove or disprove the accusations, it was unfounded.  DD holds that against us and says that we allowed her to be molested just like she claims that we allowed her boyfriend to "rape" her.  We spent hours and many therapy sessions on how her behavior effects other when she was in placement the last time. She will say one thing and then turn around and do the exact opposite.  Confronting her will solve nothing I am sure.  She is a very sick young lady and needs help that we cannot provide for her until we reach crisis stage again and need a trip to the ER. 

Wishing there were some way to get away, but right now don't see that happening.  We have no one to leave dd with.  We don't trust her home alone for too long. 

muffet

I have been where you are and understand exactly how you feel.  It is a no-win situation.  With my son, when he lived at home, it was the same.  Many things left unsaid because it was useless.  When I was called away at the time of my mother's death in a different state, he went into total meltdown with abandonment issues, threatening suicide, threatening my daughter.  She called the police, and he ended up in Detox when he should have been in the hospital.  I did not find out about any of this until I got home 2 weeks later.

I did not take time away for almost 20 years because of him.  I felt like I too was a prisoner in my own home.

He did not make allegations to my face but did plenty of name-calling about me behind my back.  His friends have told me that.  They know me and could not understand where all the anger and vitriol was coming from.

Such a sad situation these kids put us in.  It is hard to understand the fear unless you have been there.

Fear and stress!  You are right we can become a prisoner in our own home.  Problem is that sometimes that home is not safe because you are never sure what will be said by them. 

Hi muffet,

I think that because you and your husband decidd that you were not going to be alone with her, there was an official 'reason' for going to the mall and not being woth her.

The emotional part, I totally understand. I have felt like that with my sd this last year, and I did not want to talk to her or see her. We were n/c for a while - her choice (she is an adult), so by the time we did talk, my emotions were ok.

However, I think about it this way: our pwBPD is emotionally immature. On that level, they are like a toddler. I would not 'confront' a toodler about having a tantrum. Reacting by getting angry back at them is not healthy either. Somehow remaining calm, and deaaling with toddlers in a wise way, and then dealing with our feelings about it separately is so much more easier than doing the same thing with our pwBPD!

The difference I think is this one - we don't have to 'pretend'. We can let them know that: 'I am having a hard time right now' or 'I am still dealing with my emotions, and need to take time for myself'

If you still feel like this needs to be addressed to clear the air, when you are more calm, you might try to have a conversation with your dd about it.

I don't know if it would work for your dd... .With my sd, I'd try someting like: 'We've all been having a hard time these last few days. We love you, we want to understand you and be supportive of you. We can't do that too well, when we have to pay attention to talking to the authorities instead and defending ourselves. So, for the next few days (or whatever time it will take), we will have to divide our attention between you and this issue. After this is all over, we hope to be more available to support you again. What do you think we can all do in the meantime to get along better?'

So after giving this lost of thought and trying to distance myself from the emotion, I tried to engage dd in a conversation last night.  I was at the stove cooking dinner and she was hanging around cause I was cooking one of her favorite dishes.  Without any expectations, I asked her how she did burn her arm.  This is the physical injury that I allegedly caused.  She quickly responded "I didn't" and walked away.  So, I at least now have the knowledge that she is still hanging onto the idea that I did this to her.  Later in the evening, she asked when children and youth would be visiting our home as they still need to do a safety inspection.  My response was that I don't know (which I don't).  It was almost as if she has something else to tell them.  Really watching what we are doing around her and documenting everything!

Oh Muffet!

I just read this and it stirred up so much emotion inside me. 

I have been through the false abuse allegations 3 times with my dd19 without her batting an eyelid while she has just basked in all the feelings of power. I really think when pwBPD falsely accuse it is like giving out warning shot.They are angry at us for whatever reason and this is their response. now your dd has admittedto you that it didnt happen and you didnt get angry with her I think she will most likely drop the claim. She knows after this she can go on living with you without you being forever angry with her which i think makes all the difference.

I think the percieved fear our pwBPD have from us and from the authorites if they backtrack drive them to carry on with these stories.

The last time my dd accused me of something like that I must admit i just went on with my daily life as best i could. I wsnt the wreck i was before and the school were really upset by the claims... .so there was no driving force there.  dd actually ended up breaking down. When she later described it to me  it sounded as if she had disassociated and actually couldnt tell whether it had been real or not.She actually said it felt like a dream.In reality she knew it couldnt have happened because i was ill and in bed at the time but her mind was telling her something else.

I had more sympathy for her which i believe dd sensed and I think resulted in her dropping the claims quicker than previous times.

Hang in there Muffet. Iam hopeful things will work out for you

Latest update:  DD has a new "friend".  She is 16 and he is 45... yes I said 45! Anyhow, dd came to us on Friday and asked if there was any time in the schedule over the weekend that new friend could come to our house to meet her and us.  Thought is that if we meet this adult male that we will allow our dd to hang out with him.  YEAH RIGHT!  The response dd got was that we are still under the watchful eyes of children protective services and also the school due to issues that SHE created.  We would not allow this man to be anywhere near dd as we don't need anymore issues to develop.  She has not given up on the issue of wanting to meet this man, but at least we now know for sure that she made up the allegations in the hope that she would be removed from our home.  It hurts me so that she would physically injure herself in order to get out of our home

That is truly sad to hear muffet... .

Do I understand you correctly that you think she's known him for a while and created this whole situation in order to be with him? I wonder how she thought it would have worked out with the CPS... .

Do you think there's ANY chance that those two events are just a random coincidence, not part of a plan?

Hang in there... .

Oh muffet


I think I would have jumped at the chance to meet her new friend... .45... .oh I think I would have loved to talk to him to find out what he is doing talking with your dd. I think it might be wise to meet him and get all the info you can on him. If this was my dd I would think there was already a plan in place to run away with this stranger. Red flags here... .danger... .this is a predator!

Husband and I do believe that the allegations of abuse and the plan to get out of the house were planned.  Do not believe for one minute that they just happened around the same time. 

Child protective services were at the house last night.  The caseworker made sure to point out to dd that the older man has no business talking to her and that he is just "grooming" her.  DD was also told that no one believes her lies about the allegations.  She was offered a lie detector test as she stands strong that she is not lying.  It is a sad situation for sure.  Caseworker left and dd was a bundle of sobbing tears.  She did sit and talk with husband and I for a little bit.  At one point, I even asked if she felt that she was at a point that she needed to go be hospitalized.  She turned down the offer.  Evening at home was quiet with no drama... .yeah!  She got up on time this AM and went to school for the first time this week.  Hope she listened to something that the caseworker said to her last night. 

What a relief that the CPS drama is over for you guys.  Now you can breath and figure out where to go from here.  Any ideas yet?  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm so happy that CPS told her they believed she was lying without any equivocations.  I hope that older man goes away now.  Although you may consider having him over so you can meet him along with having your biggest male relatives/friends there to greet him.

I take it she met this man on-line?  How scary for you.  THe drama just never stops.  Did you talk to CPS about anything you guys can do to protect yourselves from future allegations?

-crazed

Where do we go from here?  Who knows?  Continue to live our lives one day at a time and pray that dd got at least a little scared by the fact that she was told she is one step away from placement in a juvenile detention facility.  Children protective service worker told her that.  Don't necessarily think that would be best place for her as she would not have MH needs met there, but will have to deal with it if it happens.  CPS worker also provided us with some information about terminating the adoption if things continue the way they have been and that would again mean putting dd in placement until age 18.  It would break my heart to walk away from her but if things don't straighten up we may end up doing something.  Husband and I cannot handle the continued stress of it all.  Would hate to "throw her away" but she is making choices that may not leave us any other choices at this time.  I don't expect everyone to understand as I know it sounds terribly cold and it makes us seem like horrible people to even be discussing making the choice of putting her in placement until age 18, but we have tried our best for the last three years and have given her everything possible in order to help her.  She has to be the one to make the decision to make the changes needed and take advantage of that help

muffet

Do not beat yourself up.  Dd's allegations of abuse backfired big time, and CPS told it to her straight.  She now has to take responsibility for what she did... .and why.  She has to be open to changing her behavior.  In retrospect, you are so fortunate CPS was there to help.  AND they actually did. 

I was not aware terminating an adoption was an option.  Yes, of course, it would be the absolute last resort, and a very hard decision to make.  Your dd was chosen out of love, and her BPD may be a biological trait that she inherited from her birth parents.  Who knows?

Sometimes our lives make absolutely no sense.  You and your dh are loving, kind parents.  No one can take that away from you.  Dd's disorder may have absolutely nothing to do with you.  You have not failed.

I wish you comfort and peace. 

Hi, muffetbuffet... .

I'm really sorry for all the trauma and pain your family is going through; this is a situation that no one should have to endure. I'm very glad that CPS came through for you, and that you and your husband are no longer under scrutiny. At least you have that blessing now; as for the pain and fear you still suffer, well, that is understandable after all the false accusations. I'm truly sorry!

I am wondering if she is ever receptive to you when you use Validation or S.E.T. techniques? I'm just wondering how that works... .Is she just non-responsive or even negative back? I'm asking because though those techniques work wonders with my dBPDson36, my husband with BPD traits (due to his uBPD Mom), and my uBPDMIL, they never worked 100% well with my own uBPDDIL (they do work with her husband, my other son, who has fleas due to trying to keep his home peaceful for his relationship with his wife).

After reading this Workshop recently: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574.0, I ended up coincidentally fielding a phone call with my son with "fleas" and uDIL on speakerphone last Saturday night. I panicked when the friendly call to coordinate a visit at my Mom's house to see them this weekend turned into the usual diatribe of every "bad" thing I ever did to them since they got engaged 10 years ago. Every time that happens (and it happens a lot!) I absorb their accusations, get defensive, and am useless to make things better.

Then, remembering the points in that Workshop, I did what it told me to do, and the phone call--and subsequent email from me to uDIL--went well! I was (and still am) amazed that things are so much easier for me to deal with now that I understand what I was doing wrong: I was too tied up in my own feelings of betrayal and fear and guilt to actually listen completely, with detachment, to actually hear the inner child pleas of help and compassion behind the accusations. Here were the points that helped me:

Set Aside Personal Beliefs, Concerns and Agenda

Remove Ourselves / Gain Perspective

Be Present/ Be an Active Listener

Getting Beyond the Facts / Relate

Talk to the Person's Inner-Child

See Empathy as a Lifestyle, Not an Event

That Workshop linked to explains these in a very good way to help us understand the importance of following the points, and my post about how much they helped me (and what my problems with them were) are in that thread. Even if you've read that Workshop before (and I did read it many times before I "got it" I recommend you check it out again... .Maybe there is a way to reach your daughter so that doing something you might not want to do, and that might end up being hurtful to her, won't have to happen.

At least it's worth a try in such a hurtful, confusing situation loaded with pain for everyone involved. The breakthrough I had was that I can communicate with my uDIL and non-Son without the emotional baggage of being hurt by their accusations, and talk to them like I would a poster on this site, with compassion and empathy and wonderful listening skills that aren't twisted up with my own personal feelings.

It can be done, and I'm looking forward to our visit this weekend... .I'm no longer afraid of their anger and accusations; I do believe I will be able to make this relationship with them better. I've already seen it happen on the phone for an hour last Saturday night, and in my emails with my uDIL. Positive reinforcement has given me my power back  

Can you let us know what you think of that Workshop? And, if you try using the tips, can you tell us how they worked? I'd be honored if you go over to that link and read my posts there about my troubles and subsequent positive reactions with my non-Son & uDIL.  

What a heartbreaking dilemma.  I'm wondering if you can petition for a county case manager (contact your county mental health services) to help make these decisions and to try to push for a mandated placement in an rtf.  At least that way you won't feel like you're "throwing her away" and maybe she will get the help she so desperately needs.  I doubt cps actually wants her in the system anymore than you do.

-crazed  

Case manager... .tried that... .she came to our home dd refused to talk to her and told her that she wanted nothing to do with her  Being that dd is 16 she has all the legal rights to refuse services.

RTF placement again... .dr. mentioned that during the last two med check meetings but was not willing to discuss any further unless dd is in crisis.  Not sure what more she has to do to be in crisis.

That might be something to go off of - to describe to him what's been is going on recently and/or ask him what in his mind constitutes a 'crisis'... .(I'm just trying to brainstorm - throwing ideas around)

If it came to RTF - do you need to research options for the next placement, or would you be happy with repeating the last one?

Let us know what you think of that workshop, if you find it helpful... .

Update:  Have to remember the motto of one day at a time so we are holding our breath as we make it through each day. 

DD has been back on meds for almost 3 weeks now so we are starting to see the positive effects that the meds have   DD has agreed to retry therapy and we have an appt. set for this coming Tuesday and she says she is going to follow through.  She has made it 8 (all day) straight days in a row to school.  Report card for the first quarter came out and she is failing two classes.  It will take alot to get them up so that she is passing the courses, but husband and I cannot take on the responsibility of handling that problem.  DD created that mess and she has to deal with it.  Child protective services has closed the case.  Actually sat down and ate dinner together with dd last night and had a "normal" conversation.  Sad to say that husband and I are so cautious at getting excited about any of these changes as it is so hard to fall into the trap.  Very difficult to take one day at a time and enjoy the moment when we know that trouble is lerking right around the corner.  Have a great day all.

muffet

Good news.  I am praying that your dd has had enough and will work to make life easier for all of you.

You are right, one day at a time ... .and today IS a great day!

Thanks for the update.  Take care.