BPDFamily.com

Is it?

I don't know!

Is it fair to let someone walk into a beautifully baited trap?

Is it right to interfere in other adults' lives and set yourself up as judge, jury and messenger?

Is BPD worthy of a health warning from someone who knows the impact it has?

Is it all just too complicated to have a definitive answer?

Any thoughts?

Yes it is acceptable and noble in theory BUT it will only prevent your own healing because you are devoting time and energy, indirectly, to your BPDx.  There will be many victims after us - you cannot possibly warn them all.  I try to avoid anything that will prevent my healing. This would be one of them.

Questions like this are more interesting to be asked the other way around.

Wouldn't you shove the finger to anyone who would tell you that this hot sexy beast of a steaming gf/bf standing next to you has a personality disorder which might destroy a big part of your life and might take you years to overcome this?

Because if you DID listen to that person, and acknowledged the red flags early on you, you wouldn't have started anything with this girl/boy in the first place, and therefore it's irrelevant.

I rest my case  lol.

Besides, who are we to point out to complete random strangers what to do in their life?

Life is a bumpy road, and let everyone figure that out for themselves. The only exception I would consider saying to the new boyfriend or girlfriend if you would have been sexually assaulted, raped, or physically hit in a hospital.

I personally would have appreciated the warning. Then, as things unfolded, would have been able to recognize the pattern... .maybe. But, forewarned is forearmed. Would I go out of my way to warn another? No. But if the opportunity presented itself? Yes, I would.

It's the lazy easy way to say nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

Won't make a lot of friends doing that sort of thing, but not like I am worried about that. My conscience would remain clear.

Acceptable... .?

Yes.

Absolutely.

But from the viewpoint of that person... .?

You are the previous lover... .

And are warning them... .

About your ex... .

Their current lover.

Based on what the pwBPD said... .

About you... .

To them... .

Which in all likelihood... .

Was really untrue and terrible things... .

That person will be heavily biased... .

Not to believe you... .

And further cement... .

The image... .

That the pwBPD... .

Crafted of you.

True, but a risk that I would take, as I am not too concerned what the current partner of my pwBPD thinks of me anyways. They will/ can come to their own / different conclusions over time.

Was the exwife of my stbx that made a few statements early on and later... .she didn't have to. She did. She is / was right.

In bold.

True.

Valid.

They won't listen.  Would you have?  I was told several things and she flew up numerous red flags and I ignored them all.  It's pointless.  A noble thought though and you should be commended for it.  That shows how much empathy YOU have and THAT is a priceless gift.

It's a noble thought... .but whether it is our place or not... .

I know for a FACT I would not have believed a word of it. By the end of the first date, I already knew that his exes- every single one of them- were horrible, terrible, greedy, crazy, bitter and pathetic. Considering what complete basketcases these women were, if one were to approach me, I would have scoffed at them, ran and told my pwBPD, and we would have giggled about them over dinner and made fun of them.

Yes, commendable but its not your place to do so. Who did it for you? And would you have listened?

We get into a relationship with a Borderline for a very good reason. The relationship ends for very good reasons. We all have something to learn - the new person included.

No its not fair however life is not fair and we all need to learn our learn lessons - sometimes the hard way. Best to allow others to follow their path.

Warning another is the equivalent of what we were attempting to do with our partners - save them! You cannot save anyone but yourself. Put your energy into your own healing.

I wouldn't have listened if anyone had tried to warn me - whether a previous ex, or his mother, or a friend, I wouldn't have listened to a word, because I knew I understood my man so perfectly, we were meant to be together.

With my Replacement, I won't try to warn her, but I do know one of her oldest friends quite well, and in fact my Replacement's friend has at times been someone I talked to when trying to make sense of the confusion and gaslighting over the last months - I talked to mutual friend occasionally from February onwards, so she knows, without prejudice, that I was treated badly, treated confusingly and that it bloody nearly finished me off.

Anyway, what I did a week or so ago was to send her a brief but thorough explanation of the mirroring and the push-pull dance, the go-away-come-back, and so on. I told her to look specifically in her friend for the relationship becoming unbelievably intense, unbelievably quickly, and for episodes where he refuses to reply for 1-3 days, then refuses to discuss it when he comes back as if nothing happened; back and forth, splitting up, then making contact, etc., phonecalls or visits being endlessly postponed at short notice.

I hope that way, when they split, my Replacement has a very good longterm friend who understands the dynamics of BPD a little and can maybe help her stay firm with not re-engaging.

I wish someone had been around when my ex started the split-reunite cycling to explain to me what was happening and encourage me to stay strong back then. I need not have lost so long a period of my life to this illness, had I known at that stage when I would have listened.

but at the start? Nope, wouldn't have heard a word of it.

If the replacement were a friend or acquaintance, then I might give them a brief "heads up" that they should take care of themselves because of exBPDgf's condition and past. And that is only because I would've appreciated hearing those things myself. The relationship still would've happened but a warning from a friend might have helped me get out a little faster.

If the replacement were a total stranger, then no for the reason that they're unlikely to listen and believe anything I say.

There is nothing I want more than to warn my replacement, so he knows the truth. She was cheating on me with him and She has been lying to him about me. I did send him a very brief facebook message without details telling him if he wanted to know the truth to write me back and he responded very coldly demanding I never contact him again. So I know my BPDex has manipulated him masterfully. After the fallout of the infidelity went down I went and contacted MyexBPD's EXBF of 8 years, you know, the guy I replaced.  She always used to tell me what a piece of hit this guy was and how he always used to cheat on her ect ect...   You guessed it, I met him and he was a perfectly normal guy, very inviting and shared stories so eerily similar to mine. Independently of me saying anything he told me she had borderline personality disorder. He told me she always cheated on him and he always stayed true to her. I reengaged them because he was pretty upset she was still getting away with treating people like trash so he sent her a text message telling her what a piece of hit she was for doing what she did to me. Well that night I was packing up all my exBPDs belongings and found letters they had written to each other with his saying how upset she was that she had cheated on him, and hers saying how sorry she was for cheating. Ofcourse when I met her she told me she had never and would never cheat on any of her boyfriends. LOL   Crazy-land. The replacement is in for a ride. But I cannot blame him, I wouldn't have listened either, shes a sociopath and puts you on cloud9 right away, like a drug.

In bold/italics/underlined.

You struck gold.

Well, there doesn't seem to be a consensus here!

If an ex of hers had said to me, "She's BPD, look it up and learn" I would have been shocked and probably dismissed it as sour grapes, esp as very early in our r/s she vilified all her exes and portrayed herself as strong and independent(!).

But it would have preyed on my mind, and I would at some point (the 1st time she cheated?) have gone online and investigated. Maybe I would have baled out then and saved myself so much grief and pain. Or maybe I would have found help about coping with her illness and made the r/s work. Either of these options would have been better than what I allowed to happen thru ignorance and hope that her random emotions/behavior would change with time and support from me.

I only became aware of BPD when I received excellent psychiatric treatment following her horrific suicide attempt. It took the professionals 10 minutes to assess that her behavior was typical BPD, and that I had been dealing with an illness wrapped in a beautiful body. It was not just her being selfish or difficult or unaware, it was a serious illness beyond her control. I am now paying the price for my ignorance.

Don't know whether a warning would have helped, and what has happened can't be changed, but what chance did I have without one? I bumbled into a disaster area.

Forewarned= Forearmed.

I would not want another woman to go through the crap I did. And when it first started up, she would be able to gauge it a little better. That's the best a person can do. Sour grapes it may look like, but the reality is what is important. She could thank me later, much as I feel toward my SO's exwife. She didn't say much, but she said enough.

Who are you to decide what's best for someone else? Cuz you seem quite bitter.

I don't want any other guy to get mentally abused my ex as I did ... but rather than trying to figure out who the new one is and the new one after that and keep in touch I rather try(!) to move on. We all make mistakes and it's up to us to see whether or not we did right or wrong. Not every person falls for the trap of a BPDer, we did. That's why we are here.

My BPD-ex always wanted to rescue me (even if he had to hurt me in order to do the rescuing... .) and there's a huge huge HUUUGE irony in that the 15 months with him has taught me the biggest lesson of my life:

- I need to find out why I thought his behaviour was acceptable, why I allowed it to continue for months and months, why I defended and protected him from consequences, why I kept on and on letting him mess with my already-damaged mind... .

This isn't about him - this is about me... .

My replacement is seeing some kind of shrink for "hypersensitivity", so I hope that her shrink will pick up on the unhealthy relationship. I've explained as best I can to her close friend.

I refused to listen to my therapist initially when he used terms like "codependent" and "manipulation" because i *knew* my beloved would never lie to me.

And that was AFTER he'd told me he needed a few days by himself, then announced he'd flown abroad to this other woman... .but I was still in such denial, even then. I most certainly wouldn't have listened at the beginning when it was like a fairytale come true, a romance from medieval legend, the most wonderful, magical thing in my entire life... .

I could - still could - but ... .who is to say that my exBPD is still with that rebound? IMO he deserves to fall as well  tbh, rushing headlong into something after somebody (her) had been only apart ten days from me, no real formal discussion, no real adult debate - which he knows at least - so in my case, if I did, it'd be like breaking the (nearly six weeks) total blackout of NC and I can't do that and I don't want to give that excuse AN excuse to re-engage with me, I have nothing to say to her.

It's a trainwreck waiting to happen. If it hasn't happened... .

Ah, white knights, dark nights!

That is an astute observation. And had you read my previous post, perhaps you might make another one... .

Never mind. I personally really think that it's of no ones business to interfere with the life of another person just because YOU think what's best for them and therefore you have to shove your opinion as a fact under their noses, and that to (often) a complete random stranger. That's so selfish it's beyond ridiculousness, but hey, that's just my opinion :D.

I fully 100% understand the feeling of wanting to do so, warn the next one, but what do you have to gain? If you truly don't care what the partner thinks of you anyway, and all you want is your conscience to be clean, why not work on yourself and let it go?

Nothing to gain. Spare another the pain? Requires no effort whatsoever.

Clear conscience. That's worth something to me.

Read it again... .

I don't think its a good idea, but for different reasons that Harm.  Its not just an opinion if you know someone else has a true mental disorder, it is either fact or not.  Its not selfish to want to keep someone else from ruining their life or lives of their kids, but the more you consider all of this the LESS time you are spending on the things that you CAN CHANGE-  Yourself. 

Peace

Amen :)

What's wrong with a little bitterness, HarmKrkow? I am not a saint or an enlightened being! Never will be! It's natural, when you've been lied to, lies about,cheated on, manipulated, humiliated and your ex is off doing the same again with apparently no understanding of the pain they've contributed to or the effects their illness has. Maybe it would be slightly self deluding if one weren't feeling a little bitter?

Taking responsibility for yourself and your own self-destructive traits  doesn't preclude acknowledging that they exhibited destructive behavior beyond anything that is normal or acceptable by most of society. I'm not trying to be perfect, just trying to cope and learn from my mistakes, and a little bitterness doesn't seem like a major problem - she did do terrible things that I'm in no way responsible for or could be expected to understand.

Being bitter is a waste of time an energy (IMO). Especially over someone who is mentally ill. You are not going to be angry at someone who cant' swim because he has no arms.

Is it natural to be bitter after you having been lied to and cheated to? I thought it was natural to remain the emotional adult and whatever chance you have, you stay in control rather than poking in something which is already dead anyway. I think it's a nasty characteristic in people, not in everyone, in some for sure.

Everyone who was in the BPD dance with their BPD partner, us as nons, enabled their BPD partners to behave the way they did to us. We are enablers, and basically let them do these things over us. If we acted as emotional adults in our relationship, and stood our ground the moment it went all to ___, we wouldn't be in this mess. We participated as much as they did in the mess which eventually brought us down (and them seemingly go further unharmed?) I think we all know that we would not like to share places with the BPD person itself, as although we share our hurt and pain here, the brain of a BPD person after/before/during a break up is also in a lot of main. Even worse, they are in constant pain ...

So yes, I could agree being bitter on someone (a 100% sane person) who was a complete ass to you and did this pain on purpose, but not on someone who has a mental disorder. They don't hurt us because they like to hurt us or like to deceive us.

For me personally, the info would have been appreciated. I may not have listened to it initially, but it would have helped me "connect the dots" while in the relationship.  That is where you start seeing through the lies and manipulation. It is another data point that helps you piece it together.  Early on in our relationship, I met her second oldest son (about 25) at a location we had to fly to that was an unexpected visit. He looked at his mother and said stay away from me in want nothing to do with you. You are crazy.  My first reaction was what a crappy 25 year old son paying no respect to his mother.  Wrong!  Kid had it dead on in hindsight. And then there was the 28 year old daughter who told me to run and not look back in a text message.  She too is no longer talking to her mother.  The data points start adding up.  It helps with the validation you do in fact have your sanity.

ABB

I feel a bit guilty because my exH has recently got married again to a colleague of his who I spoke to on the phone last year (work related) and said something along the lines of 'he's a good guy' because I realised she worked in same office and would know him.  At the time, I really believed that he was a fundamentally decent guy who 'suffered' and that's why he acted out with me.  Since then, I have realised just how damaging our relationship has been so I deliberately didn't interfere with the wedding plans as I felt it was best way for me to be 'free'.  And whilst I have misgivings about the health of their relationship in future, I don't know anything about it or her and they may work out well.

Ironically, I feel more inclined to get in touch with the woman he triangulated me with for years as I want to apologise!  I was so angry with her but now realise that he had us both dangling on a thread like puppets.  Part of me wants to talk with her as I think it might be validating for us both but she may well have moved on and would I just be dragging up stuff and holding her back... .

Ultimately, the person I should be worrying about is me - I didn't warn myself!  I found out about BPD after our second reconciliation ended in another split but still reconciled with him several times for years after that.

I would not do it.  As we know, our exes are expert liars and manipulators.  Your ex has probably already blamed you for the past breakup.  Your ex's new lover (aka: future member on this board) has already been told that it was all your fault, and would likely not believe any warning you offer.  Plus, if the new person is not being devalued yet, they are probably enjoying some pretty good sex.  And, sadly, that is hard to give up.  And, I personally do not want to ever see my ex's new boy toy.  To heck with him.  


Fiddlestix

The same energy is better spent telling your single friends about BPD, so that people you care about are not hurt in the same way.

That sounds like a reasonable response... .  I like it.

ABB

Nice one, bombdefuser, I like your thinking. Seems your name is very apt!

There's been quite a divergence of opinion on this post, and it's made me think about quite a lot more than just the simple question I originally posed.

But with regard to the question: if I should ever meet my replacement I would have to mention BPD- he can do with that information what he will. No big discussion, just a simple fact passed on. Maybe it'll help someone not end up here! Maybe not.

I would have appreciated a heads up, and wish I'd spoken to her friends/family more (I never got to be alone with them for long) so that I could have discovered some of her lies earlier and been able to make better informed decisions. Unfortunately I'm not a psychiatrist.

It seems the 2 camps on this question are divided by their view on how much they were 'responsible' for falling in love and staying with a pwBPD.  :)ivided between those who see themselves as 'normal' well adjusted people who were duped and manipulated by a 'mad' person, and those who see themselves as previously 'damaged' and therefore almost  inevitably attracted to an even more damaged mind. The latter seem to be more concerned with personal issue solving as a long term path, the former with getting back to normal.

Just saying! :)  Hope no one is offended by this little analysis.

Good analysis.


BPD comes in 256 + variants and co morbid with other disorders. Pretty hard to know what you are dealing with. Can't save the world, but if I can spare another the crap I went through, great. It's still her choice what she does with the information.

Not to mention the children that are born in such a situation.

Exactly, her choice what she does with the information. So if she would start a smear campaign because your acting jealous and bitter and need to get over it because you shove a opinion to them could be ss likely as a pat on the shoulders saying thanks for saving me from this horrible person.

I truly think it's a cultural difference between us why we completely 180 degrees differ on this subject. I respect everyone's opinion, but i will never critize someone I don't know out of some greater believe as myself that I could save a soul. There are also BPD relationships which do work.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but people shouldn't bring that across to others who don't ask for it in real life.

Definitely disagree with you on this and that's fine.  *)

Would not be a smear campaign, that's a PD thing to do. If by some strange bad luck I met my replacement? To slip her a note with "Borderline Personality Disorder learn about it" and leave, hardly constitutes a campaign. Might save her children and financial ruin. And years of healing from betrayal... .maybe. Maybe not.

I didn't know about BPD at the time but tried to tell my replacement he was lying to her and to me. He told her I was a roommate and that he didn't have a girlfriend. He lied to me told me it was all over with her and kept her on the side. So I confronted her and told her I was his fiance she backed off for about a week but he must of told her something else and then I found a secret cell phone and found out they had 3 dates and she was telling him she loved him when confronted again. So I kicked him out and they are together. But she must be doubting him cause I got a text from her asking if I had spoken to him lately so I placed a little doubt in her head... .all I can say is good luck you will need it

Wrigley 52

Cultural differences, HarmKrkow? Don't really understand.

How can a compassionate simple action of passing on some otherwise unknowable piece of information to someone who should really know be construed as being a problem? Compassionate is the important qualification in that sentence - if it's motivated by jealousy or bitterness that's a different thing.

Surely you wouldn't let someone walk into an unmarked minefield without warning them, even if you think they might get thru without being blown up?

Think we might have to agree to disagree! :)

I did and all it got me was a new black paint job and a phone call from the police!  NC with all involved since.  Still struggle almost daily after about 2 months but I will survive and better days lie ahead somewhere outside the fog.

LMFAO.  Thanks, I needed that today! :)

Not everybody needs a warning to avoid the pain; not everybody is susceptible to BPD charms.

While not every BPD relationship involves all the same exact behaviors, I bet at least one of these red flags was part of 99.9% of the relationships we read about on the forums here: raging, violence/physical abuse, lying, gaslighting, triangulation, cheating, alcoholism, drug abuse, silent treatment, black/white thinking. Many healthy adults will not put up with any one of these in a prospective partner.

Why would anyone listen to you when they have a P***y permanantly on them, and wild eyes saying such sweet lies to them. Only one way to know what we know, from the inside. If what we know and tell them was true... .well... .that would make our ex's ... .mentally ill?

Who would believe THAT?

I warned the guy my ex cheated with with an email. I was clearly out of my mind when I sent it. Even though he lives overseas I figured they were still talking. I did it more for myself than anything else even though I was hoping he could talk her into getting help. I knew it would put a final nail in the coffin for our relationship. He forwarded it to her about a week later.  This was 2 weeks after the breakup and she was still texting me every other day like clockwork. When she received the forwarded email from him she lost it. The next day I received a call from the police asking me to never contact her friends or her again. It has made NC much easier.

If I had it all to do over again I would not have sent it. It served no purpose.  She is totally convinced I am the crazy one.  She will never accept that she has MAJOR issues. It's best to just move on especially since you have no plans of a future with your ex.   

I agree. I would have liked to have known even though I wouldn't believe it. I would have read about it and monitored the situation accordingly. 

well, I  did almost figure it out a little over a year into our relationship,  on my own,  but I dismissed it as being to crazy,  no pun intended. I  kept telling myself, " she has some type of personality disorder... . what is it?"  one or two things didn't quite fit,  so I  was like "nawww."

almost five years and two kids later,  here I  am. I  don't think it would have made a  difference. BPD  isn't mainstream enough to elicit a red flag like schizophrenia  or sociopathy.  pretty sad since BPD and BPD  behaviors are far more common.

my two cents: do not feel guilty about not doing so.

I was advised not to by my predecessor and I laughed at it. I guess no one would listen. Everyone has a right to discover his own pains.

i wouldn't go out of my way to do it, at the same time if the opportunity arose and i felt like i could pass on the info, i would. i wouldn't expect anything from it but i do feel like just hearing the term BPD could at some point help the person suss out what was going on when things got bad.

i don't think i would have believed it in the beginning if her ex just told me "she's crazy", but if he told me specifically "she has borderline personality disorder", i think this would have had an impact. i could have looked this up on the internet and then made a lot of sense out of things that were happening. i trust myself, my intuition and strength; most of all i trust my strong desire to know the truth of a situation, even if the truth is painful. i doubt i would have just walked away hearing something like this, but just knowing there was a term for "abandonment issues" or having a clue that this person was capable of lying so easily would have been helpful.

so, i would do it if the chance came up. and this is assuming that my ex would lie and manipulate and try to smear me--i just don't fear this from her any more. but it's been a while since we split so i'm safer; stronger now. also less bitter and angry so i'd know how to compose myself and really trust that my motives were to help rather than to try to hurt her.

some people here fully acknowledge that they enabled their pwBPD to act the way they did, and this is good to know about yourself so that you can prevent this enabling from happening again. in my case i think i actually dis-abled and curbed the worst of her behaviors for a long period of time, until she couldn't hold things together any longer. i feel one of the biggest enablers can be lack of information, people being ignorant that this person has an illness with predictable behaviors and outcomes.

if you can't take the backlash, then take care of yourself first. if you feel strong, could accept a backlash if it came and solid about your motives i think it could be a good thing. different strokes, different folks.