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I read this in another topic and it got me wondering.


I feel the overlap in this diagram that shows the relationship was way too small but then I realised I once had such a relationship and it was very comfortable as I had just started my business and didn't have a lot of time on my hands. It worked well and we never argued.

I did get hurt one day after I rang her and she was crying. Something had gone wrong with her business.  She told  she would explain it that night and the rescuer in me saw an opportunity to help her when she had never once leaned on me for any type of support. Well, she decided that night not to tell me about it because my business was going so well and hers wasn't and she didn't want to impact the relationship. While hurt by this, I also saw it as an opportunity to avoid playing the rescuer, taking the good only and never having to deal with any bad stuff and the relationship continued on its cruisy course.

So my questions are... .

1. Was this a "normal" relationship as per the diagram above? I don't think it was as I prefer a bit more involvement, my partner being interested in me and my feelings and vice versa.

2. What is a healthy level of interest in each other before enmeshment begins?

That is at the core. Feelings, Trust, Intimacy, Sex. Outside of that is You and She , two separate entities as you were before you met and as you are in an R/S. That is also from T, bless his heart to confirm it for me. The PD will encircle you. Try to become you with the mirroring because they don't know who they are.

Your work, friends , other interests, hobbies. Some you may share and others not. S/ he does not become your reason for being but a part of your / my life that enriches it. Shouldn't be sucking you dry like a vampire.

In a PD dynamic, they will crawl right up your insides any which way. My SO could not Trust and did not trust, so the accusations flew. Intimacy with a BPD is not possible, because any feelings you share they will turn on you and be used as weapons in the next cat fight of Armageddon based on the manner in which you breathed. Remember, their rage is always justified and your hurt is not. It's your fault the argument started in the first place. You didn't read his/her mind properly which makes you an insensitive lout.

Object constancy, out of sight = out of mind to a large degree, which is why all the phone calls and hours and hours on Skype even while he was on site in a foreign country. There is not the consistency of knowing that their partner is there for them. Why not ? Because they are  not. So you must be the same as they are. [ actually had that "discussion with my SO, it blew me away the unreality of it !] Because I was not constantly calling him and emailing him, I didn't care or think about him. His words for the most part. I was to spend every waking moment focused on him in some manner. No. I will not. I have my own boring life and needs to attend to.

The diagram comes from here:

www.angermanagementresource.com/assertiveness-training.html#sthash.x98sTbYD.7JyQhsbT.dpbs (http://www.angermanagementresource.com/assertiveness-training.html#sthash.x98sTbYD.7JyQhsbT.dpbs)

Healthy anger comes straight out of the self love, and the need to love and be loved, which is the same positive origin of assertiveness.

Anger is not the "great evil" it's part of the PD warning system.


Not entirely sure, but before I met my SO I had decent boundaries, he hammered them into oblivion. But one thing I strongly recall was the pervasive sense that he was crawling up my a$$. He wanted to know Everything at all times. It was none of his business. If he didn't trust me, he could have left me and saved us both a ton of heart ache.

Rescuers do more fixing than listening. Listening is the key to a good relationship.

Interest and enmeshment are two different things.

I can be very interested in my partners concerns however I don't need to enable and fix. I can validate and allow them the space to work out the answer that best suits them. This is showing someone respect - we need to trust our partner that they can look out for themselves - otherwise its not healthy.

We tend to feel validated if we fix and rescue = enmeshment/unhealthy. We need to gain our validation from ourselves not how well or thoroughly we can fix an issue for our partner.

Bit different between supporting and enabling! And rescuing is controlling rather than showing care.

AussieOzborn, I think the way the diagram is drawn is somewhat misleading in that there can be more overlap of the outermost circles as long as the two inner circles of "self" and "role" do not overlap between partners.

I agree with Sabratha that a partner is somebody who enriches an already rich life. To me, it also means that I put my partner's well-being on the same level as mine but not above and beyond mine. When somebody I love is hurt, I can temporarily sacrifice my well being to help them, but otherwise I shouldn't be this out of balance all the time. Unfortunately it a seems like a pwBPD is in a perpetual state of emergency.

In my relationship with my exBPDgf, I realized that I had an unhealthy obsession with her well-being at the expense of mine; I was spending maybe 99% effort and concentration on her and only 1% on me. Basically I could only feel good when she felt good, and my thoughts were all focused on her and hardly ever on me: totally enmeshed and not a healthy thing!

I think it's got to be tough to be the "emotional caretaker" in a BPD relationship because it's being responsible for two people which is a heavy load. It's hard enough taking care of ourselves sometimes, you know? Throw in BPD disordered thinking, emotional lability, and impulsivity and it's easy to become totally reactive and thus enmeshed.