BPDFamily.com

I just need a moment to talk, and you folks are the ones most likely to understand. My BPDbf and I don't fight often (which is nice) but of course an arguement arises now and then. Last night we argued about the dumbest little thing, nothing truly important, but he got upset and said things that really hurt my feelings. I did my best to react calmly. I don't like for us to go to bed angry at one another, you know?

Today he seems fine, like it's blown over. I apologized for the part I had in the arguement, because I was being stupid, too. But I still feel pretty hurt. I guess what gets to me at a time like this is the fact that I'd really like to talk to him about the things he said that hurt, but I know I never can. He isn't emotionally mature enough to have that discussion. If I tell him how his words hurt me, it'll send him in a downward spiral because he is so stunningly sensitive to criticism. He'll hate himself to the point where his hurt is far worse than my hurt. And why would I do that to him? So I just sit on my emotions in situations like these, knowing that's the only option I have.

Again, it doesn't happen often, thankfully. But when it does, it takes me a while to get over it and I feel very alone. And I guess that's all I wanted to say.

I'm so sorry that you were feeling down and I want to say that I can relate.  I wish I had words of wisdom to cheer you up but all I have is empathy and the ability to relate.  I am impressed that you are mature enough to not let this effect your self esteem.  One thing we have in common is our men can't take criticism or hear our point of view.  Where we differ is it sounds like yours spirals into self loathing- mine spirals into blaming me and pointing to this as to why our relationship isn't progressing.  I get screamed at, called names, put down- which then I spiral down into self loathing and by the end I am convinced that he did nothing wrong and I'm a horrible person.  Does this ever happen to you?

I think you are making some assumptions which may not necessarily be true.  You use a lot of absolute words such as:  never, far worse, only option.  If you get used to talking about your situation in that way, you will begin to believe that you really don't have options, which is not true.

It's important to find a way to talk about the things that hurt you.  I too have a tendency to not bring things up because I don't want to hurt my better half, but they usually just simmer until they reach the boiling point and I end up saying something to her that is even more hurtful. 

Plus, you can't let his overreacting be the bellwether of whether or not you deal with things in a healthy fashion.

There surely will be a price to pay for raising the issue.  But, there is likely a way you can raise it in a kind manner which will make him be more conscious of his behavior in the future.  It becomes easier during the heated moments to say: "it hurts when you say that" if you have discussed it during the quieter moments.

Izzitme,

Are you comfortable with getting screamed at/ blamed/ being put down?  I wasn't, but I had sort of come to terms with the fact that that was just the way that my life was going to be... .Have read about or tried boundaries to protect yourself?

Not really, no. I suppose I should be thankful that his moods don't ever seem to turn this direction. I think he's had a lot of practice at self-loathing, and it's his default in most situations. I don't think I could stay very long with someone who called me names, especially if it happened frequently. I'm sorry that it happens to you.