BPDFamily.com

have a 21 yo daughter who probably has BPD (or some traits). currently 7 months sober (in rehab facility). found out she has been cutting herself (superficial, but still cutting). Did it for a while several years ago. Has job, ready to move to sober house, maybe too much stress . Possibly still a lot of resentment towards me and her father. I am very concerned, but also know I can't do anything about it, and she has a lot of support there. thanks

Hi,

I can hear your concern. The idea of our loved one cutting themselves, even if superficially, is hard to accept. This is such a glaringly maladaptive behavior, one we nons find hard to conceive of.

If your daughter is going into sober living, the person in charge of her house or the person leading meetings should be able to deal with this. Your daughter won't be the first person to do so while under their care.

My BPDSD22 went into rehab and then sober living a few years ago. The sober house was a VERY good experience for her. There she learned that her father and I are not the only people who expect her to more fully function. We are not the only people who expect her to work, pick up after herself, prepare meals for herself, respect the living space of others, get up on time, show up for schedules appointments. And she learned that us being unhappy with her performance isn't as devastating as having privileges taken away by the leader of her sober house. Our talks aren't as difficult as "getting in touch with your motivations" during group. She learned so much and took so many steps forward while in her sober living house.

This also gave her father a breather, a place to begin the end of the enabling behavior that helped to get her into the bad place she was in to begin with.

You are CORRECT-


because if you could have you already would have.

My experience with my SD being in a sober house was that she got involved with AA. That is all good. So is Al-anon and I strongly suggest you find an al-anon meeting that you like and GO.

Good luck. Your worry won't end but things WILL get better. Your daughter will cut until she learns better ways of coping. And she will.

Thursday

I just wanted to add that although the cutting is worrisome I do think there are a lot of positive things happening for you dd right now... .sober and ready to move into an sober living space... .all very good steps in the right direction. I hope they address the cutting at the new place and help her find a better way to cope... .is it her anxiety about moving to another place coming into play here? In the past when my dd cut I tried not to put to much attention to it... .I think it was just a way for her to show how much she is hurting or maybe a way to gain some control... .hopefully she can discuss this with a therapist and gain some insight... .she seems to be a good place and open to change... .don't be disappointed by the step backwards... .she will get it eventually... .keep moving forward... .

thank you both , I have been going to alanon for a while and it is wonderful. I can cope with my fears and distress much better, and take it one day at a time. will keep you posted