BPDFamily.com

Again... .Not sure if right board but feel free to place it somewhere else... .

Wife came in on Friday night after I went to bed.  I said I didn't want to discuss anything that night but would the next day.  She said no... .She stated she was unclear on what I put on a letter to her.  I gave a SET statement regarding that I that I could not give her the demand of not contacting my family and but would give her the space she needed.  After about 45 minutes, she asked me "what do you wan't".   I said if you are not happy here, and don't want to be with me than you would need to leave the house.  She has been saying up to that point in the rage that she was not going to leave and I should.  So when I told her that she should consider leaving if not happy, she said as soon as the baby is born I will leave the home.  I don't want the kids and you can have them.  I am not for 50/50 split but want you to know that you can have them and deal with them yourself.  I said OK and said it is midnight and I am tired and want to go to bed.  She left and after about 30 minutes started send texts messages stating the same thing... .   

11 more weeks 4 ur dream to come true. I will be extremely happy to leave ur life forever. If all u want it's 4 me to be out of the house I don't understand why u still wearing the wedding ring & talk about lovlove U r sick & confused person. I'm not afraid to start my life all over again alone. I will be very happy to give u 100% of the kids custody. Feel sorry 4 thnd why u still wearing the wedding ring & talk about lovlove.  The new baby will become a complete disabled person the rest of his life. Good luck dealing with all the fun of caring 4 children with disabilities    I did not respond. 

Then Saturday came and she said she wanted to do things with the kids and I wasn't invited.  I didn't say anything and stayed home paying the bills.

Saturday night she asked what the plans for me were the next day.  I said I would take all the kids to the sport games.  She didn't respond.  On Sunday morning, I made lunch for them and had 3 of the kids in the car.  She came out and said she didn't want the kids to go as she said they had other plans.  I said they were going to go with me.  She grabbed one child out of the car and took her inside the house and then opened the car door and stood there as I was now unable to back up with her inside the door and said to get the other kids out of the car.  I said no and got our of the car and asked her to move and attempted to move her out of the way.  One of my D9 said, that is alright dad they don't need to come and watch my game.  I let the kids out of the car feeling very upset and angry that she can control the situation like that. 

I went to both games (one for a son and daughter).  When I got home my wife was dysregulated- probably in the top 5 since I have known her.  I walked in and she was screaming at me that my mom was there at the game and that is why she could go to the game.  After yelling and screaming she called our S13, D12 (and our D9 was in the room).  She stated that it was because of me that she as soon as we have the baby she is going to leave me.  She said, kids you need to know that now so it is not a surprise why I don't come home after the baby is born.  She went on for about 45minutes saying that I told her she has to leave the house.  She asked my S13 that is it fair that I invited my mom to the football game which prevented my wife going "Who would you rather have go to the game your own mother or your grandmother .  Your father picked your grandmother over me'.  I told my wife dont put these kids in the middle of our argument. 

My D12 was crying and S13 just sat there.  My D9 was just listening.  It was awful experience.  I told my dbpw to stop but she kept going and going.  I would have taken myself an/or my children out of the room but it was my D7 birthday and we were going to have the birthday dinner and in an hour.  She kept repeating that my mom (kids grandma) told my wife that my grandma called my wife stupid.  I said she didn't say that and you are distorting reality.  She said... .kids your Dad says I am a horrible mother and doesn't want me here, he says I am mentally sick, he says if I stay here that you guys are going to be seeing a T in a couple of years, he loves your grandma more than me, he is choosing her over me.

After about 45 minutes, she asked my D12 for help with our younger children getting their pajamas on.  As she came out for dinner she was fine and talking and laughing with the kids.  She didn't say a word to me.       

What type of impact is this going to have on the kids.  I am stuck when she pulled the children from the car.  It seems she has the upper hand and I will be considered the aggressor if I try to prevent her from doing that.  My d12 is identifying with my wife.  She is like a sponge soaking in all the negative feelings- although I am sure d12 feels that she has never felt so much closeness to my wife as my wife is using her as her focal point in the family.  Many more questions I have.   This is a mess. ... .

I'm sorry to hear what your wife is doing. Hang in there and good luck.   

Your wife is the one insisting on divorce, not you. You are doing the best you can at living with her and taking care of your children. So I'd say that the staying board is appropriate.

Given that your wife won't even talk to you unless she is in a rage right now, I'm drawing a blank on what else you can do to help your r/s with your wife. I hope somebody else has ideas!

I am wondering what you can do to protect your children from these sort of rages and attacks. As long as she is attacking you and not the children, I don't think that involving authorities will help.

When she took your children out of the car and blocked you from leaving that was nasty. I guess you need to prepare for more of this sort of thing. I agree that when she was blocking the car door, you are stuck. In fact, forcing her to move or restraining her is a bad risk--That may meet the definition of domestic violence, and law enforcement in most places has a strong bias toward arresting men, regardless of the situation. Be careful.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0)

Hmmm... .I do have one question for you: Your wife is pregnant and due in a few weeks. What has her emotional state done during prior pregancies? Do you expect her to feel/act better or worse?

 GK

Yikes!  What a tough situation you are in!  When my uBPDh goes into emotional vomit mode, I usually leave.  My kids are a little older than yours DSS-27 (always lived w mom-we had visitation) DS-21, DS-17, DS-13 and DD-11. 

I used to try to take the kids w me but he would physically grab them from me or scream at them when they got a little older if they tried to go w me or pull them out of the car (much like your situation.).  I did not have peace about this approach but I knew he wouldn't harm the kids.  And yes, there were times when he dragged them into the fight before and after I left by telling them what a horrible person I was (read cursing and obscene names for women).  I tried to counteract this by telling my kiddos that I wasn't leaving them, just the situation and that I loved them and would be home after dad had time to calm.down.  I made sure ithat I did this during calm times so I wasn't explaining as I was getting out the door.

you might try a similar approach w your older kids and even the younger on.  "I always love you no matter what.  If I leave the house for a time out when mom aand I are fighting, it is so we can calm down.  I will always come home."

our kids so far seem to be fairly normal, kind, polite, mostly even tempered young people and so far seem to be using the manipulation powers they have learned for good (and not for evil) LOL

I agree w Grey Kitty that maybe some of the issues your wife is having may be related to hormones.

Once you wife gets to this stage of dysregulation you need to leave. By staying she will drag the kids into it, you cannot stay and hope to defuse it. The more you try the more she will use the kids as a tool to fight you as she knows that is your vulnerable spot.

By staying you are ensuring the kids are being used as pawns, and getting the full brunt of her manipulations.

Boundaries and disengaging is all good up until full blown dysregulation occurs. At that stage things escalate with uncontrollable collateral damage as long as you are present