BPDFamily.com

Today is my BPD son's 22nd birthday. He walked out of our house just over a year ago. We'd already bought his present last year, so when he asked his younger brother and little sister to meet him at the park on that day, we gave them the present to give to him.

Since then he came back once to read us a prepared list of all the horrific things we'd done to him, got in my face when I asked him to leave and told everyone we'd thrown him out and called the police on him. (I did threaten him with that because um he got in my face)

-He went through major spinal surgery, which we paid for but banned us from visiting him in the hospital, calling to find out how he was, or contacting his surgeon (note all these people went along with him despite the fact that we were footing the bill

-went to live with a friends parents while said friend went off to university. stayed there for 6 months until they kicked him out. We gave him $ for rent etc but apparently he didn't pay them a thing.

-sent horrible emails whenever he wanted something and we refused to jump anymore. Made him deal with own debt, credit card and car repairs.

-ended up renting an apartment for younger bro to continue at college while we moved away and of course, BPD son honed in on that and is now living there too -on our dime of course.

-offered him a year of college $ to finish up at community college-got a ton of rage and abuse for not letting him do an online law course at $350 a year.

But the positives do outweigh the negatives here.

1. We no longer live in fear in our own house.

2. We've got our dd away from him

3. We can take time to think about our decisions and responsibilities for him and not just jump to fix him or enable him out of fear and guilt.

4. We can engage calmly and keep putting the ball back in his court until he starts to take some responsibility for himself and his future.

5. We give him what we choose to give him without expecting anything back in return and that includes physically mentally and emotionally.

6. We're working on no longer financially supporting him as of June 2014 and will start reminding him of that in the new year.

7. my dh celebrated his birthday on the 11th and it was the first time in 10 years that we didn't have any drama. That was nice.

So we haven't changed him-we've changed the way we react to him. Things that 2 years ago I would never have imagined being able to do-detach with love, walk away, stay calm not feel guilty are starting to become easier. A lot of that is due to the advice on these boards, so thank you for that. :)

Kate

You have come so far  I  so glad things are going so well. Hopefully your son will find his wings.

Kate4Q

You have come such a long way from the past.  I identify with so many of your posts bec I have also been read lists of things that I have done wrong, been asked to sign contracts  drafted by my son of behaviors I should no longer engage in such that he will agree to continue to come to visit us, and I have lived in fear and in an environment of threats.  I am glad for you that you have found a measure of peace.  I also believe that the more we try to fix things for them, the worse the situation is for all of us.

My son (BPD26) has recently rented an apartment and moved out of our house.  I am starting to feel like I can think straight again.  my home has become peaceful and I am not constantly trying to get away from everyone.

one thing I  learned is that the more I can live with the discomfort of some of his choices and stop fixing him, the greater the chance that he will fix himself.  I am starting to see small miracles as I step away and let him make his mistakes.

It is a relief when the constant anger and drama are not in my face with BPDDD27. Creates a home that feels safe and peaceful. She still does need some support from us. Trying to take the time to think through our choices so are opening door to her for opportunity and not to fix it for her.

Has this year gone by quickly for you? Just curious.

qcr

What an affirmation of self-care and love.

Thank you for sharing your story allwoing us to see the pain and  joyful pay-offs of our situations and taking control and care of what we can.

 

Yes it has gone by surprisingly fast. I can't believe how often I just smile and breathe easily these days. It's just lovely.

And no drama on son's actual birthday from him either. I can't quite believe it.

His sister wanted to send him a birthday card and T-shirt so we've sorted that out and she wrote all our names on the card. That's about as much as we can do at this point.

I've learned a lot from your posts too. :) Our sons are quite similar. :)

six, I know what you mean.  My DD28 lived with us until she was 26. I couldn't count the number of times I had to either leave the house or go to my bedroom or bathroom and lock the door to get away from her raging.  I have finally detached myself enough that I sometimes really think that maybe her life has quieted down, that she's not behaving the way she always has.  I don't really believe that, but it's nice not having to know what is going on at her house.