BPDFamily.com

to start off, my live in uBPDbf... .we got into a lil' argument last nite... .

he quit smoking a few weeks ago and is still not smoking today, i have heard its hard to quit... .but then i get his "mood" swings as he is going thru the quitting.

So last nite, the lil' argument started about what we were eating for dinner, and I just didn't like his tone of voice, he just kept saying

"whatever", just an attitude, and I told him I am tired of dealing with

his mood swings, and yes, I know he has quit smoking, but I don't need to have him snapping at me all the time. So one thing led to another, and he just said I am way too sensitve and I should just deal with it... .dealing with that he is moody and trying to quit smoking.

Heck, I am all for supporting him, BUT i am not going to just let him

snap at me and be moody, I can't hold it in, and I told him to be nicer.

I just don't know what to say back to him when he says I am too sensitive, I am not sensitive, I am realistic and want to be treated

in a better manner, not getting the "whatevers" attitude from him.

How do i go about this situation, and stick up for myself, and realize I am not sensitive, I have feelings too... .without getting into an argument about this?

Hi Vindi,

He managed to drag you into JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).  Even here you are trying to defend yourself for your reaction.

Yup.  You have the right to not like how he is speaking to you.  My husband snaps at me sometimes frequently and sometimes infrequently depending on how stressed he is.  If he's in a good place - I try to make a joke about it.  If not, I move on and try to avoid any conflict which will go into a full blown dyregulation.

It helps me to understand in these situations what I want and then to mold how I react to him around it.  In other words, I want to be treated a certain way - if he isn't treating me that way - I can't argue and make him see MY WAY (it won't work).  Rather, I decide... .if he's acting like this then I going elsewhere.

Unfortunately we aren't in a 'normal' non/ non relationship so expecting a turtle to act like a duck is often going to lead to disappointment and resentment.

thanks Allibaba,... .so yesterday, again he was snippy, and after me getting upset cuz of the way he snaps... .he just says

"deal with it" and "I can't guarantee I won't be snippy cuz this quitting smoking, is getting the best of me"... .

so I am going to just walk out of the room if it happens again, I am so tired of "dealing" with his mood swings, tired of his "whatevers"... .just tired.

Good news ---- if you don't want to be around him when he's snippy you don't have to be.  My husband quit smoking in August.  I believe our conversation went something like this.

Hubby your health is important to me and I am really glad that you has decided to quit smoking.  I know that you feel on edge.  If your moodiness is getting to me then I am going to exit the room because I don't want to lash out at you :) and this is the best way that I can think of to support you right now.  lol

thanks again Allibaba, i'll do just that, and yes, i know he is going thru a hard time quitting, really hard, I just don't want to be his

punching bag when he gets snippy... .so my choice is to take a time out for awhile, walk away... .and just enjoy my own wonderful company!

That's excellent!  I tend to enjoy my own wonderful company a lot more these days and appreciate it for what it is - a precious gift!