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So after trying to break off all contact with the ex who insisted all we would ever be is friends - she came to me Sunday - sending me a very long email... .it felt like she was open, honest and vulnerable and I simply caved.  Not proud of it but I did.  We had a couple of wonderful days and had planned to get together today. 

Her son didn't sleep last night so she kept him home from school.  She seemed very casual about telling me and didn't seem to want to reschedule.  I asked if there was a reason for not rescheduling and she just laughed it off saying she hates making plans cause they always fall apart so she would rather wait until he is in school to ask to see me.  Well this poses a problem for me for two reasons.

1. Its an hour drive for me - takes planning to have the gas and set time aside to do it

2. I feel she just stopped wanting to invest at all into this and I am hurt

She asked if I was upset and I told her I was disappointed to not have any plans to see her and she said she understood.  That was it... .no more communication.

I am burned on the back and forth... .yet I feel like running for the hills.  I know I love her but I can't do this up and down - unreliable thing - it hurts - it keeps me on edge - there is no trust in anything now.

I just don't know what to do.

You could chill

What did she do that was wrong exactly, coming from her perspective?

It's hard when we attach a lot of hopes to something only to watch them collapse before our eyes. 

Not only did I chill... .I took time to take care of me first.  I asked myself - do I want her to go - for real?  Was she shutting me out completely? No... .So... .after she asked me if I was mad and I said no - I was honest with her about being disappointed not seeing her since its been a month... .then sat with it some more.

I ended up telling her that I loved her, was here for her and not going anywhere.  It changed EVERYTHING... .she opened up to me and told me she didn't want me to go ... .we had a nice loving conversation.

She truly IS trying.  My knee jerk emotions are truly based on the past... .My own attitude changed a pattern for us and so far we are still doing well - when in the past it would have fallen apart cause I would have assume it was just more of the same.

So glad I took time to deal with me first ... .and so happy I was able to access my true feelings.  And furthermore I am happy she is still as committed as she says she wanted to be the other day... .

Today I am both humbled and hopeful.