BPDFamily.com

After doing some soul searching with time away from my wife, and after talking with my therapist, I have decided that I can't endure the push pull relationship that I'm in with her (It's mostly pushing me away and then staying neutral rather than pulling me back in). So, I've decided that I'll try and get her diagnosed and (hopefully) into some therapy. I know that it is a long road, but I love her and am willing to stay if she is interested in getting help.

Last night, she started blaming me for ignoring her after she indicated that she did not want to communicate (a no-win for me). So, I asked to research B.P.D., told her that I love her, and that I think she needs to get some help. She became very offended and gave me the silent treatment.

Today, she contacted me and said thank you and that she knows I care about her, but she was sad with me suggesting that she get therapy. I went on to explain that it can help her feel better with the anxiety, sadness, and will help her manage her feelings. I also said that I will go with her so that she is not alone. She told me that she does not want to be a patient. She then told me I was a good husband. (That was the pull)

She then went out for a walk. When she returned, she texted me and asked if I was going to come visit her. I usually go on Tuesday nights (today) where I drive two hours to see her since, but I have a meeting tomorrow so I should stay home and get some good sleep. Now I get the limited communication communication from her and no loving feelings. I guess this sums up the bulk of my relationship with her where if I don't do what she wants, or behave a certain way, then I get the silent treatment or the anger comes out in some other form (twisting my nose, kicking me in bed, or outward screaming days after the trigger).

So I guess my question is, was is a good way to approach getting someone in therapy? Persistence? Do I give her an ultimatum? Create distance with her until she decides to get help?

Thank you. bpdfamily has be so helpful.

Hi SimplySeattle

Those are hard to answer, for three reasons (at least).

1. All people are individual and react in their own unpredictable ways.

2. BPD people are even more volatile and changeable (as part of the condition).

3. There are so many possible ways to approach suggesting therapy that it's hard to find good statistics on any one method. (You've already tried one and suggested three; I'll bet there are dozens more.)

That said, here's my reaction:

--The general consensus on this site and books I've read seems to be that only a small minority of BPD will end up in therapy, and a good portion of those won't complete it.

--The general consensus also seems to be that direct mention of them having "BPD" is rarely a good approach; that they usually trigger and dysregulate over this (as your W seems to have).

--The people I think you ought to ask are those on the Staying Board. There you will probably find the largest concentration of people who have successfully managed this. And also probably lots of failures, who would be willing to share stories with you.

Personally, I'd go for the Persistence, with a whole s--t-load of SET technique and enough anti-abandonment vaccine to put a room full of orphaned babies to sleep. Ultimatum I predict would bring you trouble and not get the result you want. Creating distance might not get you anything... .except distance. Which of course might be a good option, if you're considering leaving.

PP

SimplySeattle, you make good and thoughtful points.  I think what you provided is sound information and reflects what I have learned on my journey with this subject.

My experience with my estranged wife went down this way.  We were having marital troubles (what's new, right?) and made a decision to visit the therapist.  The therapist met with us as a couple for two sessions and then suggested we meet with her individually.  My wife visited her solo first. And then I visited her.  On my solo visit, the therapist informed me my wife had BPD. I had my suspicions, but that confirmed it.  Here is the run down of the points of information.

1) The therapist indicated BPD is very hard to treat and even after a long treatment schedule, there may be no positive results. She went onto say some therapists do not treat BPD people due to liability issues. Because of the nature of BPD, the BPD patient has a hard time trusting the therapist.

2) There was physical abuse in our relationship.  The therapist indicated the abuse will escalate. She was indeed correct. It did escalate.

3) The therapist point blank told my wife she should not be in a relationship.  That is sad, but based on what I have seen I would have to concur with that statement.  Most BPD people have no business being in a relationship.

4) During our two couples sessions, my wife brought up the point I still had a house I could go to and it bothered her. The therapist chastised me for having my "safe" house and said that wasn't right. During my individual session, she recanted and said her advice was in error. My safe house is something that is fine under the circumstances.

5) After the diagnosis, my wife and I purchased a couple of BPD help books. My wife started reading them and for a period of time (3 months or so), our situation was better. Later on, my wife gave the books back to me with an inscription they will help me with my mental illnesses. I gave them back. She threw them in the trash indicating she didn't want to be labeled as having a mental illness.

6) My estranged wife attends a Christian based program called Celebrate Recovery. She feels this program, bible reading and prayer will remove her BPD. After she started this regimen, things were OK for a bit. However, things got worse than they were ever before.  She seemed to have all kinds of new ammunition to devalue me on the intangible front (I am spiritually bankrupt. No amount of money will save me from hell. Etc.). She attended the program sporadically.  Sometimes she would rather have sex (the kids would be away at the CR meeting), than tomato the meeting.  One of the points of the program is to set boundaries.  For whatever reason, she got things twisted in the respect she was thinking she was the victim as opposed to the perpetrator of the chaos.  In hindsight, it was kind of comical.

I don't want to sound like there is no hope, but the chances of success are very small.

ABB

My exBPDw and I went to counseling exactly two times till she decided she was not willing to follow any boundaries and take any advice from the counselor. The counselor basically wanted her to make an effort to try and improve things by her (my ex) being proactive. She refused saying basically the problems were things I did in the past before we met. Classic BPD.

The counselor never mentioned BPD and knew nothing about it, her own admission after I mentioned it in later sessions when I went solo.

Later I showed her the books and lovingly tried to explain her actions and that its BPD and I would help her through it (after the full blown affair which ensued) No dice on her part.

The reason they wont go to therapy is the same reason a liar wont take lie detector test. They know who is guilty. At least on a subconscious level.

If I had to do over I would not waste as much time trying to fix her as I did and instead focus on me and how to survive while minimizing the emotional damage she would end up doing to me and my children.

So the long and the short of it and from what I see with others experience, getting her to change is probably futile and if she does its probably just temporary. BPDs are just 'wired' differently and initially 'pretend' (mirror) us and appear to be as we are. They are not