BPDFamily.com

Both kids d16 s14 know mom has issues and even state she is crazy. In confidence they tell me this. They know I will not share their info with mom. I did twice, they paid for it, I paid for it with lost trust I had to earn back.

They have great hearts not wanting to hurt mom or so I thought. Again mostly because there is a serious cost to them to make that choice.

My son says he can not stand her voice and states " his issues turn into her issues and then she stomps off".  After he has gotten sullen and non responsive of course. He knows to to play her for sure.

Daughter will tell me she is acting crazy and want to leave.

Both of them have become hyper vigilant to  moms emotions.

I know the stress they have in making a choice and or having to live with mom is something no child should have to live with.

So how do you fortify them to make  that choice? As I write this it seems up to me to make a better, safer, more loving , less judging, calm, no eggshell or thin ice home.

Divorce mediation is today. I am planning on hammering out money and let custody re-work out after divorce is final legally. The kids can begin choosing where they live then.

Sound reasonable?

What is the custody schedule right now?

My 16yo stepdaughter lives with us primarily and goes to her mom's every other weekend.  Recently she's been going to her house more frequently. She genuinely misses her mom. It's been really good for their relationship not to be odds all the time (when it was 50/50).

So I wonder what you think would be the best type of situation? Word it so that it's beneficial to the kids. To mom.  What are you recommending the schedule be?

Counseling would be good for the children, getting a trained and experienced counselor's objective perspective would be very validating for them.  You too can be validating and a problem solver.

Sadly, laying low is not a [good] strategy, at least not by itself.  It makes sense not to trigger the difficult parent, but avoiding an incident may not be the best solution long term, it's just as likely to enable and even encourage an exaggerated sense of entitlement and demands.

It's not like they're in grade school, they're both older children, once they're driving, they can more easily 'vote' with their feet.  The older they get the less likely court is going to 'force' them to comply with a schedule or order.

Are there any arrangements for the court to listen to the children's wishes?  For example, they could have a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) assigned.  You may have a lawyer, your spouse may have a lawyer, why not the children?  Court may not do as the kids want, of course, but knowing how they truly feel may sway the court to a certain extent.  However, if you're seeking a settlement and not a court decision, just a rubber stamp from court, then that may not work.

Once you have a court order, whether by settlement or decision, it's much harder to change.

Counseling would be a great option but my son is a no for that. He has done some because mom projected some issues on him and he is angry about that.  I am working on giving them some communication skills to deal with mom.

At some point once they get to the point of "healthy for me" vs not upsetting mom I expect them to spend more time my way.

So for now it is 50/50, don't like it much but it is what the kids want. They know they can come over any time.

They are old enough, maybe you could give them books to read about BPD? Maybe leave copies of The Borderline Mother lying around... .like under their pillows. 

My son sees a counselor, but honestly, I think my conduct and interactions with S12 have had more impact overall. Bill Eddy's book ":)on't Alienate the Kids" really turned my world upside down and changed how I dealt with the crazy. I realized S12 needed to see me model how to deal with conflict and difficult situations, so I started working through that stuff in a much healthier way. Talking to him about how I was feeling stress, so I was going to get some exercise, just little things like that.

Eddy talks about flexible thinking, moderate emotions, and managed behavior. If your son won't go to counseling, but you start modeling this kind of thing for him, he'll know there's a way to deal with this stuff that's healthy.