BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I am relatively new to this board.  I am a 26 year old father of 2 who just filed for divorce from my 24 year old uBPDw.  I have not yet gathered the necessary courage to post my entire story, as it is currently stunning how I ignored so many huge red flags.  Anywho, I presently have a 50/50 custody split, although I generally have them 5 or 6 days a week, as my wife is not showing much interest in being a mother, and have been using this site to help me cope. 

I just want to thank you all for sharing your stories.  Until I found this website, and a family counselor mentioned BPD, I had no idea what my soon to be ex was dealling with. I felt alone.  I see the damage that has been done to me, and have had to make the tough decision that, no matter how much I love this gorgeous woman, she will never be able to reciprocate the feelings.  I see the potential for it to impact my children (two little boys, one 3 and one 11 months) and I know I must remove them from the tumultuous relationship that is our marriage. 

Eventually, I will post my story.  I will feel ashamed, stupid, weak, ruined... .and you all will pick me up, as you have unknowingly been doing for the last few weeks.  That is powerful.  That is pure.  That is love.  Thank you very much everyone.  While I was never able to help her, I will not let this disorder consume me. 

HNA

Hi HNA,

Well, all of us who have been in a r/s with a pwBPD have ignored plenty of red flags  red-flag , so you are in good company.  We get it when it comes to BPD.  That you are already here on the Leaving Board I view as a good sign, as many of us have struggled through the Staying and Undecided Boards before winding up here on Leaving.  Leaving is extremely hard, no question, but often it is the only path back to a normal life without constant drama.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Post more when you feel up to it and hang in there,

Lucky Jim

Sounds similar to mine (though I am in my early 40s, she 11 years younger, and we never married). Kids about the same age. She is engaged with the kids at this point (she did throw an F-bomb at our son last night, which pissed me off, and I told her that it was unnecessary), but the signs are there that I will probably get them more, even with our verbally agreed to 50/50. The bad thing is that mine relies on the kids to "keep her together" and "keep her here [on Earth]" which is horrible... .I'm already spending more time with then, even with her in my house still. I'll try to follow your posts... .hang in there. -Turkish

Unfortunately, mine is currently using her role as a youth ministry leader to project her image.  She will pass up time with our boys to help run youth group, lead worship music at church, hang out with the youth leaders etc.  I am a teacher/basketball/baseball coach at the local high school and many of the kids in the youth group will come tell me how awesome my uBPDw is.  I only wish that our boys were given the same attention. 

It just pisses me off, here she is, dancing around under the facade of youth ministry leader while she is 1)ignoring her children, 2)Sending inappropriate photos to men in the community (as confirmed when one of my co-workers showed me the photos she was sending his friend 3)Having a relationship with a married man 4) Having a relationship with an unmarried man... .but I digress.  It's not about her actions, it has to be about me.  I have to make the right choices.  It would just be so much easier if I didn't love her so damn much.

She keeps tugging and pulling.  Days of NC, followed by "I love you," "I want us back," "I need your help, this cancer (she doesn't have cancer, I have been getting her insurance explanation of benefits for 2 years, nada related to cancer) is to much for me to deal with alone."  Ever fricking time I bite.  My emotions unravel, and I want to help. 

In the next few days I will get it all out there.  I think putting it down for others to see would be therapeutic. 

I did the same thing. I was married to my ex uBPDw for 5 years. I kept waiting for the "person" from the beginning of the relationship in the honeymoon/idealization phase. Boy did I feel like a chump 8 years later, why was I thinking like that? Please don't be hard on yourself HappilyNeverAfter.


Keep your chin up.


- Mutt

HNA... .I doubt this statement of yours will be accurate for very long!  "I will feel ashamed, stupid, weak, ruined... .and you all will pick me up, as you have unknowingly been doing for the last few weeks."

There are lots and lots of us who have done things, been involved with people, made poor choices that would lead us to feel this way.  Sharing your story, looking at it full on and in the presence of others on this site is liberating!  The effect of sharing is to part ways with shame and weakness.  For myself... .I screwed up!  I was weak.  I was a fool.  I was a goof!  Might as well embrace, learn from it, let it grind me into shape... .then proclaim it, laugh along with it and begin to stumble forward. 

Thank heaven for these boards!  It is a wonderful collection of... .fools?  And I mean it in the best way.  And the best way to cease such foolishness in our lives is to admit it, learn from it and gain its wisdom.

Tell your story!  We are with you... .and will help you declare a new future.

I am sorry you have experienced this.

It is hurtful... .

Beyond words.

In bold.

That facade... .

Is the mask... .

Worn... .

To keep the enablers... .

Around them... .

From... .

Turning on her.

And thus... .

The problem... .

Is not the pwBPD... .

But the non... .

In their eyes.

Manipulation... .

At its deadliest.

My exUBPDgf... .

Has a facade as a health fitness coach.

Except... .

She is the one... .

Who is the unhealthiest... .

Mentally... .

Of all the enablers... .

Who flock around her.

A cruel paradox.

That is BPD.

Hang in there.

You are not alone.