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I had a T session yesterday that helped me to finally understand the fear I had for my own safety growing up. It is amazing sometimes how subtle the treats are. How no one would ever know they even were there. I figured out I was the scapegoat but did not even know it because all of the cruelty was masked with kindness, things for my own good. So there are many things I am learning about my childhood and my distorted perceptions of things. At times, it is overwhelming.  I have figured out either very limited contact or no contact is best for myself and my family for exactly these reasons. But I find that the FOG is so strong sometimes. Mainly the fear that I need to let go of. I don't know if I will ever feel safe from her.  It is funny I never knew all of this until yesterday. It was a light bulb moment.  :light:  I did not even understand I was the scapegoat and sacrificial child due to the fact that I was her confidant and savior. I thought I was the golden child because she praised me and confided in me. I did not see the put downs in the praise. The fact that my sister could do anything and was prized so much more because dad did not love her as much and I was "so much more capable". As long as I was in line she did not have a reason to punish me and come down on me. I could do nothing wrong without her being angry and "disappointed". I had to be responsible and good. My sister did not and excuses were made for her. I now understand that she was the golden child, but in a different way. She was the one to feel sorry for. For mom that was more important. There was no threat. It is funny, that is the sister that prolly displays true BPD traits and is prolly uBPD. Another example of how distorted my view of the world was. Now that I recognize it I can move on.

I don't feel the compulsion to take care of everyone else to the exclusion of my needs anymore, except when faced with my FOO.

How do you survive the ambushes that they use to get you back in line?  I am so angry as I look at the fact that she was so good at making me feel completely loved while sticking the knife in my back. Now it is both her and my sister that continue to do this. The role she put me in was so seductive due to the fact that I felt needed and loved. Now it does not hold the appeal, but there is a part of me that wants her love back. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does to me. I am still trying to process it.

The worst part is that no one can truly understand unless you were that child. I don't know if I do. I think for me, it would have been easier to accept the abuse I endured if there were physical scars or constant yelling. I received only like 5 spankings my whole childhood. She was proud of that. She did not yell much. The abuse was so much more subtle. Due to the withdrawal of affection and the thinly veiled threats and innuendos to keep me in line.  I finally understand the constant fear and pain I was in that was buried so deep  that I could not even acknowledge.  I am trying to move past it, but it is hard. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support.

I really think there does need to be more on KO's out there. I sometimes wonder if the BPD diagnosed now are actually KO with fleas because they have a conscious. my-issuesNot saying all, but some.  I know my mother would never really let anyone help her because she has no sense of self and everything comes from without. She really does not get others needs or others needs don't matter if they don't line up with her survival. That is the end game. Truly being able to separate and understanding that others are different from her is something that is beyond her. It is like something is missing in her. Such a hard thing to say about your own mother.  This is just me trying to understand something there is no understanding.

I am thankful there is a forum of people who understand. Have been there. I use the different resources here to help process and heal, but I also use this for an area of support of people who understand what it is like.

That sounds like a pretty intense T session, but it looks like you learned a lot from it. That dynamic that you described is probably pretty common, because we were all expected to be obedient as children, and BPD mothers with more than one child do often split their children. It makes a lot of sense.


This makes a lot of sense. If you look at this: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm), you can see how the seductive behavior is meant to reel in romantic partners, and... .well... .I'm sure you can guess where things go from there. Your mother did something similar with you, I'm guessing. It's painful to learn the truth, and while I'm sorry that you're hurting and frustrated, you can use this information to grow and heal.

It's normal to want your parents to love you, even as an adult.   As children we needed it for our survival, but even after that, we all want to be wanted and loved.

Geekygirl, I will agree it was an intense T session. My T has made comments about how far I have come in a short amount of time. I guess I don't see that as much as I have been really working towards this since my dad went to the Valley when I was 13 years old. Our family was all about recovery. That was the catch phrase in our house hold. I see now that it was very superficial but luckily for me with my personality it laid a base for a recover model of living life and moving forward. I am lucky that way. The missing piece that was holding me back was that my mom was uBPD. Finding that out has been such a freeing experience. I feel like I might be happy and find myself someday now. I have hope for the future. A different type of future, a healthy future.

Thank you for the article link. I cannot believe how well it describes my experience with my mother. None of the other kids got that experience and it explained why it got so bad after dad died.  Let me just give you a slight history.  My dad started being a commercial bus driver when I was 3 years old. He was gone about 350 days a year at least, and so gone from mom except when she went on tours with him as escort. Funny I have memories of my dad prior to being 3 but none of my mother. Anyway, from that point on the abusive relations that I described started. I guess I was filling his role when he was gone and the actually the "other woman role" when he was home. How sick.  It explains a lot of how I was raised. It explains the pressure and the abuse. My dad finally came off the road when I was 18 years old, or my second year in college. My 2nd sister was 16 but she had played my mom's golden child so it really did not affect her, she was no competition for her. My 3 and 4th sisters were only 5 and 7. And my youngest had lost her hearing and had a cochlear implant.  So she was mom's focus, and dad became the caretaker of mom.  At that time, mom really left me alone somewhat, she had dad to the exclusion of anyone else. Care taking for sister number 4 made her look good. Sister number 3 was really ignored. Sister number 2 was on the way out of the house and did not care.  I have found myself saying that many times over the years. But for me the difference was that her focus was off me and on dad. The competition was less because I did not live there. She still wanted that relationship described in the article it just was split between both dad and I. Especially after I married and had children. But I have said many times, at least when dad was there some of the pressure was off me.

Now he is not there and she wants that relationship back. That is where I am different from my sisters. That is where our relationship may never be able to work.

The article was like reading about before dad was off the road and since her died, but I don't want to go there and she lashes out constantly because of it. She is using the Clinger Phase with me constantly to get me back in line now.  :light:

Thanks. I am using this as a place to process these thoughts. I hope someone can use this to help them deal with there reality. It makes sense and also makes it easier to say no.   |iiii 

I feel like daily more and more is becoming clear. Now it is a matter of what to do with it and how to move forward.