|
Title: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 17, 2013, 06:36:19 AM This is carried over from "Its either she goes or I get a new job".
Last night had a pretty possitive converstion last night. We were able to talk about what has been happening the last several weeks/months openingly and without loud yelling or argueing. Sat down and had a converstion. Afterwords I went to bed feeling better about the relationship and the track it was about to go on. I think she set me up to fail. She acknowldges she can not bring herself to beilev anythign i say or do unless she can physically see it. And that she gets angry when I am not validting and sending her an over abundance of emtional love. Not with words (again she does nto beleive them) but with physically seeing it in my texts and in my actions. I explained I can attempt to do those things but know that there will be times when I might not be able to. Not on purpose but unintended. She was hesitant but did finally acknowldge that. We got to bed and thats when she went from understanding to "I'm mad at you" Holy crap what now. I forgot to mention the weddign ring that was on the dresser. She left it there for me to see. Then I was supposed to be all upset she wasn't wearing it and fall over emotionally to her. Fill her full of loving empotions and say sweet nothings and beg her to put it back on. I did notice it earlier on the dresser but during the wonderful converstion I was not thinking of the ring. Apprently thats rude and ignorant of me to forget about that. SET UP FOR FAILURE. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: popeye6031 on October 17, 2013, 08:12:24 AM You did the right thing by not mentioning the ring as it would have only started another argument. As you said, you were set up to fail/ Either way, an argument was going to happen. I sense that there is some acknowledgement in her, even if she does not admit it, that she is sensing you are at a "had enough" point. I might be wrong but just from what you say about her seeming to be more calm.
Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Waddams on October 17, 2013, 08:39:04 AM Yeah, game on for not responding to the ring setup. In the future don't respond to that kind of manipulation either.
The setup to fail is pretty common. I experienced similar things too. They put you in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario as a way to keep you confused and walking on eggshells. It's ultimately another piece in their toolbox of control tricks. I got so I just wouldn't respond to it. I'd let her deal with whatever it was she was doing and go to the gym, aikido practice, or a walk on a local greenway. Learning to recognize the traps they set is key to surviving life with a BPD. The walking on eggshells is no way to live. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 17, 2013, 09:11:20 AM It amazing how much more I can see now. Example she has an interview tomorrow. Asked me to go. I have a major commitment durnign the day that might take me past my normal quitting time if it runs into problems. I don't foresee any but I mentioned to her that I am the person responsibel to fix them if they arise. She is trying to tell me I need to move this along sooner in the day so I am not late. Then says move it for today so I don't have to worry about being late. She is trying to manipulate a my job and my company around her interview... .I would have missed this obvious ploy before.
Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Waddams on October 17, 2013, 09:33:45 AM Excerpt She is trying to manipulate a my job and my company around her interview... .I would have missed this obvious ploy before. Well, I think she's trying to manipulate you. In this case, it's just specifically your job commitment that she's targeting. I noticed my xBPD would pull anything to separate me from any other commitments I had, seemingly without rhyme or reason. One day I figured out she just genuinely believed that if she didn't feel first in every way and moment of my life, she felt like she was nothing. Extreme black and white thinking. She didn't realize me working overtime to finish a tough project that came up with a severe time crunch ACTUALLY WAS taking care of her. In doing a good job at work, I ensured continued employment, good reputation in the professional community, better future opportunities, which all would translate to building a better life for my family. All she could see was what was in the present moment, and had not vision at all for the future. Is there a reason she wants you at her interview? Sometimes even BPD's have bonafide, reasonable needs that we should meet. Lots of times actually. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 17, 2013, 09:49:05 AM Excerpt One day I figured out she just genuinely believed that if she didn't feel first in every way and moment of my life, she felt like she was nothing. AMEN in high. She has said this exact thing to me. Excerpt She didn't realize me working overtime to finish a tough project that came up with a severe time crunch ACTUALLY WAS taking care of her. In doing a good job at work, I ensured continued employment, good reputation in the professional community, better future opportunities, which all would translate to building a better life for my family I also tried to explain this. It doesn't fit how she feels so I am wrong. Excerpt Is there a reason she wants you at her interview? No nothing specific. I have gone before for moral support. I can not think of any reason I need to be there for her other than to show support physically. Which bringst me to my thought as to the real reason... .She need to make sure she know swhere I am and what I am doing. Just last night. We were inthe midle of the good conversion and she says " I just got mad at you all of a sudden for what I am thinking. I know whay I always say I wanto you to hang out with me and need you to be around me constantly at home. I don't trust you for a second if I can't keep my eyes on you." So i think that is part of her wanting me to go. We have never done anything separate like she goes to her parents while i stay home or go some place else. Its always been together or we go no where together. Work is the onl;y thing that separates us. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Waddams on October 17, 2013, 10:11:13 AM Excerpt I don't trust you for a second if I can't keep my eyes on you. It's got to be very hard on anyone that genuinely feels like this. At the same time, it is her emotion and feeling, not yours. She has this deep seated fear of being abandoned, losing you, etc. She asking you to take care of her fear for her by always being with her, that way she never has to face her own fear. It's a way by which she is trying to make you responsible for her how she feels. What she's really saying is "I'm scared! Save me from feeling it!" The thing is, you never have been and never will be responsible for her emotions and feelings. The only way it gets better is if she faces her own fears in this regard, and she can't do it if you keep going along with things like this. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: popeye6031 on October 17, 2013, 11:15:32 AM I am not entirely sure that she does not trust you at all. From what you have said, you have not given her any reason to have no trust. She has used something you did years ago, and it was not even bad, as her excuse to keep you in line. The demand to attend her interview is just another little push to see what you will do for her.
And if you do not meet this demand, another argument will ensue. I go through lots of push/pull cycles, like every few days but it sounds like you are not getting any pulls, it is all push and one demand after another. Keep doing what you have been doing the last few days. It seems to be working but you must keep it up. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 17, 2013, 11:42:09 AM The only way I can tell its working is that she is pushing back twice as hard. She knows something has been different. She has even traced it back to when I first began to use the tools on this site. She is now demanding to knwo where i got these ideas and why I am choosig them as they are cruel and mean. She thinks it was from the T I saw a few time back in June/July. It wasn't but he helped me with keeping mew on the right track. Like people on this site.
Its the ultimate conflict to achieve balance. I am seaking to get me back to a healthy and mentally fit person. She is a mentally unfit person trying to get me to go back to the submissive door mat that I was when we met. the balance of power shifts and her control lessens she can only resort to what she knows has worked in the past each time getting more and more desparate as she retains less and less control. The example i came up with is liek that of a dictator. They have control and are happy. They loose soem control they react to get it back by fear, anger, and harm. The more control they loose over those that are gaining there own control over themselves the harsher the response. Until the dictator is at the last ditch effort to regain and shred of control. They because irrationally desparate and make a last stand. The result is no dictoator or no subject to control. Maybe thats not accurate but it seems that something ends up happening when you challenge the power holder fo rthe control they have to live on to feel normal. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Waddams on October 17, 2013, 12:53:18 PM Excerpt She is now demanding to know where i got these ideas and why I am choosig them as they are cruel and mean. That's some serious de ja vu there for me. I started seeing my T, and found this site after a discussion of BPD in a session. I started learning and putting lessons into practice. I was told I was being cruel and mean as well in the aftermath. I specifically remember her saying one night "You're being coached! Who is it? Where is this coming from? I demand to know!" Looking back, she'd been in T a lot herself in the past, and I think she recognized the mark of some professional help. When she found out I was seeing a T, she literally tried to block me from continuing. First it was she wanted to go to the sessions, then I shouldn't go, instead I should spend time working on it all with her because she'd been through T and already knew all the techniques, etc. Then it was just plain raging that she didn't want me to go because the T hated her. In the end, she wanted me isolated for her control, and the more that isolation broke down, the crazier she got. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Grey Kitty on October 17, 2013, 12:57:12 PM We were inthe midle of the good conversion and she says " I just got mad at you all of a sudden for what I am thinking. I know whay I always say I wanto you to hang out with me and need you to be around me constantly at home. I don't trust you for a second if I can't keep my eyes on you." This is tough, but it sounds like a bit of a good sign--there is some self-awareness on her part about this. There is also a chance for you to validate her feelings--she is afraid of what you will do when you are out of her sight. Remember, if you tell her that you won't do anything in appropriate/untrustworthy, you are invalidating her fear rather than reassuring her. It also sounds like she very rapidly spools up to full blown dysregualtion, at which point validation won't help. Excerpt We have never done anything separate like she goes to her parents while i stay home or go some place else. Its always been together or we go no where together. Work is the onl;y thing that separates us. Your r/s will be more healthy if you both do at least something without the other now and again! However I'm going to recommend you pick your battles on this one--start by being firm on protecting your career and work time from her when she pulls things like this. After you are comfortable and confident with this, start looking for something else that is yours alone. The only way I can tell its working is that she is pushing back twice as hard. She knows something has been different. She has even traced it back to when I first began to use the tools on this site. She is now demanding to knwo where i got these ideas and why I am choosig them as they are cruel and mean. She thinks it was from the T I saw a few time back in June/July. It wasn't but he helped me with keeping mew on the right track. Like people on this site. Actually, this site is yours, completely apart from her! Don't let her take that away from you... .or find you here, or tell her what you are doing. Just keep on doing it. Don't get sucked in by her statements that your new ideas/tools are mean and cruel. They aren't, but they are very hard. Hard for you to do. And you are taking away her emotional crutch (beating you up) and forcing her to use some new emotional muscles if she wants to stand up, or fall down otherwise. That is very tough, and it is not easy for her. She absolutely isn't liking the process, even if later she decides she likes the result. But I'm gonna be harsh, and say it doesn't matter if she likes the result 'cuz I know that you will like it. Hang in there! GK Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 18, 2013, 05:28:26 AM Excerpt But I'm gonna be harsh, and say it doesn't matter if she likes the result 'cuz I know that you will like it. That wasn't harsh. I will tell you what i have told others I have asked fo radvice or have provided advice. Be real. Be honest. And most of all do no sugar coat anything. Just be blunt. Here is why. I already am thinking along the same lines more than likely. When I see that type of opinion I know that I am on the right track. I am validated. It actaully keeps me mentall sane and fit. I see that and say yup I was thinking that and I know that that thought is a true and real feeling. It gives me strenght to contiue. So thank you for "harsh". Its real and honest. Thats important. She has asked me to write about this "new found me" and where it came form and how to get rid of it. I know she reads what I write becasue she sometimes makes comments. Yesterday Was yet another difficult thing for my mind to grasp. She had an after hours work function that she was at and I said I would stop by and bring some hot chocolate because it was a cold day. I had also previously said I planned on writing in the journal. Well we got home and had dinner and went to bed and then preceded to tell me she is upset with me yet again. I didn't follow through with my promis to write and had no intention of doing so. With a full clear head and not being as tired as I was maybe I could have handled the situation differently. Instead I caved and acespted every single un stable thing she mentioned. It did make sense but its the same old same old every day problem. And the same old this is why i can't trust you and making it out to be that I for got she was a living breathing person practically. It might be time to write about my feelings and not care if she reads them instead of me thinking how she wants me to write about in there. She won't like and quite frankly maybe its time to have the knock down drag out final battle for the heart and mind. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 18, 2013, 12:05:58 PM I am havinga hard time with a specif topic uBPDw is talkign about. She is saying that becasue i said that I have thought about divorce as a result of us not working out the probems we are going through that it is really the result I am going for. Becasue i even thought that divorce is a possible outcome she says "To even consider it possible is a HUGE problem! You cannot come to someone with a heart or place of love and compassion if that is a very real and viable option to consider."
I know I might not win this conversation but how can I not? I am tryign to tell her it is a result of exhausting all other options and somethign to avoid unless there are no other possibilites. Its not getting through. All I get back is you though divorce so you want divorce. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Waddams on October 18, 2013, 01:35:50 PM It's her extreme black and white thinking. She's not going to listen to anything else. One of my biggest breakthroughs in dealing with a BPD was to stop trying to explain when they were misinterpreting something I said. Sometimes, I also think they do it on purpose, understand the difference we are explaining, but don't care. They do what they do not as a means of honest conflict resolution but instead as manipulation to get us to back off and acquiesce to their control again.
Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Grey Kitty on October 18, 2013, 06:23:34 PM Keep it simple.
Say you don't want a divorce. (Assuming that is true) Then disengage from the conversation if she tries to take you in circles about it. Say you don't want a divorce, and don't want a fight about talking about it either. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 21, 2013, 06:29:24 AM I have also found its not just the word divorce that I am dealing with. She can just blurt out "I am lonely, or sad or feel neglected." Right after a time where we are having a lot of positive interaction and have moved to less constant interaction. Example yesterday spent a lazy morning together just talking and looking at this and that online. Then later wen to watch a little TV together. Still interacting now just not as constant. Now I am neglecting and she is feeling unconnected to me. Started an arguement because I couldn't undersatand how that happend. If i totally was doing it on purpose then maybe.
That kind of thing is getting more and more frequent. And I have been trying to be more away of it. I can't stop it and I can't amend it after the fact because if she brings it up then any and all attempts to connect deeper results in "I shouldn't have to say anything about it. You should just do it. Because I had to tell you to do it then its fake." Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: LifeIsBeautiful on October 21, 2013, 10:16:24 PM It's the same scenario for me too. I am in real situation of losing my job, being away from work, and lately not been able to concentrate or function at all. It's been a struggle pulling it together, don't think my boss can be understanding for much more. We get sucked into their emotions and feelings, it isn't pleasant mostly, and we have to try to snap out of it and function like normal. When we try to detach from their emotions, they try all means to pull us back. Having to put on different hats, takes a lot of energy. I'm trying to, at this point it's all uphill. I think what's happening, is their fear (very very real to them) of abandonment and if we spend more time at work, eventually we will leave them (black or white). Trying to convince her that this won't happen, was futile for me. I made a choice and at some point in the crisis, I made a choice and had to give up something. I've been reading the resource on S.E.T, it seems logical and worth trying. Before telling them the truth (why work is important for the r/s), we need to sympathize with their emotions, support them, and empathize (not judge). Not defending ourselves, because they won't accept it anyway. But not encouraging their rages or outbursts. Wish me luck.
I have also found its not just the word divorce that I am dealing with. She can just blurt out "I am lonely, or sad or feel neglected." Right after a time where we are having a lot of positive interaction and have moved to less constant interaction. Example yesterday spent a lazy morning together just talking and looking at this and that online. Then later wen to watch a little TV together. Still interacting now just not as constant. Now I am neglecting and she is feeling unconnected to me. Started an arguement because I couldn't undersatand how that happend. If i totally was doing it on purpose then maybe. That kind of thing is getting more and more frequent. And I have been trying to be more away of it. I can't stop it and I can't amend it after the fact because if she brings it up then any and all attempts to connect deeper results in "I shouldn't have to say anything about it. You should just do it. Because I had to tell you to do it then its fake." Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Grey Kitty on October 21, 2013, 11:19:25 PM I have also found its not just the word divorce that I am dealing with. She can just blurt out "I am lonely, or sad or feel neglected." Right after a time where we are having a lot of positive interaction and have moved to less constant interaction. Example yesterday spent a lazy morning together just talking and looking at this and that online. Then later wen to watch a little TV together. Still interacting now just not as constant. Now I am neglecting and she is feeling unconnected to me. Started an arguement because I couldn't undersatand how that happend. If i totally was doing it on purpose then maybe. Work on what validation you can do, and especially avoiding being INvalidating here. If she feels neglected, that feeling is real. Try to validate how it must hurt to feel neglected. If at that point you tell her that you aren't neglecting her, this invalidates her feelings. I am sure you weren't trying to neglect her; Perhaps you weren't even neglecting her at all. (JADE'ing aka Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining is always invalidating, and isn't helpful) It isn't fair at all; it is what works. Validating her feelings helps. Invalidating her feelings doesn't work. Understanding that her feelings are not your facts or your reality is the tool that helps you manage it. Sorry that it is going like this! GK Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 22, 2013, 05:10:13 AM Excerpt If she feels neglected, that feeling is real. Try to validate how it must hurt to feel neglected. I am sure I need to find a different appraoch to what I say and how I validate. The probelm is that by saying "I know it must feel frustrating to feel neglected." Or what other methds I try in thsi combination. She has picked it apart. sayin gyou don't know anythign about how I feel or where did you learn that crap or just pour right mock what I say. Hada good day yesterday and trying to bulid from there. If I can peice alot of these together I am can learn whats working and what isn't. I have even seen a change yesterday in how she responded to me. We had talked about if I do something she thinks is mean or negleckful to try to use a nicer tone to point out her feelings. Then give me time to respond ina way thatI can understand where she is coming from. Other wise its I do something I have no idea is wrong, then she explodes and then I am angry that she explodes and I becoem defensive and wait out the storm. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 22, 2013, 09:12:21 AM Honestly Cipher you sound like you have made HUGE strides in such a short period of time. Good for you man!
Don't worry about if you try to validate and she picks it apart. Read as much as you can on validation and then do your best and move on. Don't try to validate when she's dyregulated - it will never work. The time to work on validation is before dyregulation. Excerpt But I'm gonna be harsh, and say it doesn't matter if she likes the result 'cuz I know that you will like it. That wasn't harsh. I will tell you what i have told others I have asked fo radvice or have provided advice. Be real. Be honest. And most of all do no sugar coat anything. Just be blunt. Here is why. I already am thinking along the same lines more than likely. When I see that type of opinion I know that I am on the right track. I am validated. It actaully keeps me mentall sane and fit. I see that and say yup I was thinking that and I know that that thought is a true and real feeling. It gives me strenght to contiue. So thank you for "harsh". Its real and honest. Thats important. Good for you! Good for you! She has asked me to write about this "new found me" and where it came form and how to get rid of it. I know she reads what I write becasue she sometimes makes comments. It might be time to write about my feelings and not care if she reads them instead of me thinking how she wants me to write about in there. She won't like and quite frankly maybe its time to have the knock down drag out final battle for the heart and mind. Cipher, How did this writing in a journal thing start? Why is it her business what you write in it? It sounds like she uses this tool to manipulate you. If you want to write - fine. But shouldn't that be private. With a full clear head and not being as tired as I was maybe I could have handled the situation differently. Instead I caved and acespted every single un stable thing she mentioned. It did make sense but its the same old same old every day problem. And the same old this is why i can't trust you and making it out to be that I for got she was a living breathing person practically. Don't worry about it! You are going to make so many mistakes along the way. Just remember that consistent boundary enforcement is the most effective - otherwise you are essentially teaching her that how she behaves is ok. I think that you are so amazing. I am proud to watch you on this journey! Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 22, 2013, 11:25:23 AM I was begining to think this wasn't going to ever work at all. Glad to know it can be seen even to me. Still a huge ways to go yet. I had some co-workers ask to join it a hockey game. I mentioned it to her and she said no. She wasn't ready to put her feeling out there to trust that soon. Not 100% sure I wanted to but would have been nice to know she didn't still feel the need to control me.
Excerpt Cipher, How did this writing in a journal thing start? Why is it her business what you write in it? It sounds like she uses this tool to manipulate you. If you want to write - fine. But shouldn't that be private. The journal thing was a suggestion from T for me to put down so thoughts. I knew she would read it so I have to montor that to. Actually I have found a way to use it to my advantage from time to time. I can be open to a dgree yet still be able to have my own thoughts. I agree should be and was intendent by T to be priviate and to share on my terms. But nothing is kept secret or its suspect behavior at best. Hoping this continues. We shall see. I have a few things coming up that might add conflict to this with having to go on a work trip. (She is able to go) And also now having to cancel vacation becasue she used hers up to join me for the trip. I have 10 vacation days let to use and she has zero. I can't bank them so I loose them. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 22, 2013, 11:38:19 AM I have 10 vacation days let to use and she has zero. I can't bank them so I loose them. Why don't you take some time off for yourself Cipher? Its crazy to lose vacation. I don't think that your wife has the right to tell you that you can't take time off because she doesn't have any! You don't have to go on a trip just stay home and do "stuff." What do you want to do? Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 22, 2013, 11:42:08 AM I was begining to think this wasn't going to ever work at all. Glad to know it can be seen even to me. Still a huge ways to go yet. I had some co-workers ask to join it a hockey game. I mentioned it to her and she said no. She wasn't ready to put her feeling out there to trust that soon. Not 100% sure I wanted to but would have been nice to know she didn't still feel the need to control me. Ha ha. You're expecting too much out of her too soon! Is there a smaller outing that you can do? By asking her permission you are telling her that she has the authority to say NO. You don't need to ask permission from her to have a life you know I got asked by some friends to go to the movies last week. I decided that it was too last minute for me. Told my husband about it and said, 'I'm going to tell them NO, because we have a busy weekend planned.' I never asked him for permission to go. I don't generally. I'll say, "I haven't been out for a while and I'd love to do X. Does that conflict with any other family plans?" It gets his input without telling him that its ok to control me. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 22, 2013, 12:10:34 PM Excerpt Ha ha. You're expecting too much out of her too soon! Is there a smaller outing that you can do? By asking her permission you are telling her that she has the authority to say NO. You don't need to ask permission from her to have a life you know I know it was but I was just checkig. I could have asked or mentioned it differently. Vacation I can not take a day off wthout her. She won't let me have a day to myself. She said (joking I think) if I take a day off I can spend the day at her work. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Grey Kitty on October 22, 2013, 01:47:28 PM You get to choose whether you take vacation days or not, especially if she cannot take vacation with you.
Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her. Having a journal that is for you, and is not shared with her, preferably one that she cannot find and read would be something like this too. However it will trigger her; it is up to you to pick your battles. My recommendation is to figure out how you can use boundaries to protect yourself from her rages and attacks. How are you doing that? Hang in there and stay strong! GK Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 22, 2013, 02:11:45 PM Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her. I CONCUR. You are starting to feel the benefits of the work that you are doing on your relationship. If you find ways to get away and take care of yourself the feeling compounds greatly. Like I said before... .you are doing great. Maybe you could take those days off and do some work around the house. If she goes nutty about that then SO BE IT. I'm sure that you would love to have some time alone to read/ watch movies or something else? Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: SeekerofTruth on October 22, 2013, 11:57:50 PM Exceptional
Excerpt The setup to fail is pretty common. I experienced similar things too. They put you in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario as a way to keep you confused and walking on eggshells. It's ultimately another piece in their toolbox of control tricks. I got so I just wouldn't respond to it. I'd let her deal with whatever it was she was doing and go to the gym, aikido practice, or a walk on a local greenway. Learning to recognize the traps they set is key to surviving life with a BPD. The walking on eggshells is no way to live. see... .and that's the part i struggle with in asking myself is she doing this consciously or nonconsciously... .maybe it really doesn't matter... . Excerpt She is trying to manipulate a my job and my company around her interview... .I would have missed this obvious ploy before. Well, I think she's trying to manipulate you. In this case, it's just specifically your job commitment that she's targeting. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE (and yet am still hoping... .) Excerpt It's her extreme black and white thinking. She's not going to listen to anything else. One of my biggest breakthroughs in dealing with a BPD was to stop trying to explain when they were misinterpreting something I said. Sometimes, I also think they do it on purpose, understand the difference we are explaining, but don't care. They do what they do not as a means of honest conflict resolution but instead as manipulation to get us to back off and acquiesce to their control again. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 23, 2013, 06:30:15 AM Excerpt Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her. I could not agree more on this topic. I have even tried to bring it up before with horrible results. She can't understand how I can even want to spend a second apart from her. She equates that to not loving her and being selfish. Really this is all I need to help refresh my inner self and my mind. This has made some progress and some positive turns. So my question is this. When things are seemingly going ok and making soem progress how much is too much before you stress out the BPD from the possitive behavior to back into the negative. I have be letting her know how much I really appriciate the new possitive attitude and way of communicating we both have made changes to. I think if I can contiue to show her that having this typ of mindset in turns makes mine better and I end up being more connected and loving to her. She feels less "ignored" or "neglected". Then is she starts to push the envelope and can see that I start to move back into the "ignored" kind of mood then eventually over time she can see what mood she needs to be in to get the feelings from me she is wanting. Make her control the outcome more with her own actions and reactions to things. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 23, 2013, 09:20:09 AM Excerpt Cipher13, it will help you more than you can imagine to have separate time from her. I could not agree more on this topic. I have even tried to bring it up before with horrible results. She can't understand how I can even want to spend a second apart from her. She equates that to not loving her and being selfish. Really this is all I need to help refresh my inner self and my mind. Cipher... .you don't ask for permission here. Don't even bring it up because it will be a trigger. Just start devising ways to create some time for yourself. When things are seemingly going ok and making soem progress how much is too much before you stress out the BPD from the possitive behavior to back into the negative. I have be letting her know how much I really appriciate the new possitive attitude and way of communicating we both have made changes to. I think if I can contiue to show her that having this typ of mindset in turns makes mine better and I end up being more connected and loving to her. She feels less "ignored" or "neglected". Then is she starts to push the envelope and can see that I start to move back into the "ignored" kind of mood then eventually over time she can see what mood she needs to be in to get the feelings from me she is wanting. Make her control the outcome more with her own actions and reactions to things. She's going to go back and forth between being 'better' and 'dyregulated' no matter what you do. Stay your course and don't worry about stressing out her BPD. Just be kind and loving but firm and strong in your boundary enforcement. 'keep your side of the street clean' at all times and don't feel bad when your 'appropriate' actions cause her to dyregulate. The mystery of this disease keeps us walking on eggshells believing that we control more than we do. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 23, 2013, 09:46:16 AM I agree but I'm not sure how to discuss this yet. I am still new at this and I want to contiue to be successful and not fall into a rut due to a BPD out break of dysregulation. Besides with how the situation is set up I would practically be confined to being at home with little to nothing to do. I maybe could come up with a house project. Maybe thats how I can leverage this. That way she can see progress and know that is what I am doing. Not whatever it is her head creates.
Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: DragoN on October 23, 2013, 10:23:11 AM Excerpt I want to contiue to be successful and not fall into a rut due to a BPD out break of dysregulation. Stand back from that thought and take a look at how it controls your thoughts and actions. You are in eggshell territory when you are doing that. She will dysregulate for whatever reason. Too much ketchup on her hotdog or who knows what? Have boundaries or limits set up for yourself. Validate before hand if something comes up, but focus on not turning your life upside down to accommodate her illness too much. Her emotions are hers to regulate, we only need not make it worse by engaging when our partners go off the wall. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 23, 2013, 10:39:11 AM She will dysregulate for whatever reason. Too much ketchup on her hotdog or who knows what? Have boundaries or limits set up for yourself. Validate before hand if something comes up, but focus on not turning your life upside down to accommodate her illness too much. Her emotions are hers to regulate, we only need not make it worse by engaging when our partners go off the wall. This should be our mantra. Powerful stuff H20! Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Love Is Not Enough on October 23, 2013, 12:15:41 PM Excerpt I think if I can contiue to show her that having this type of mindset in turns makes mine better and I end up being more connected and loving to her. She feels less "ignored" or "neglected". Then is she starts to push the envelope and can see that I start to move back into the "ignored" kind of mood then eventually over time she can see what mood she needs to be in to get the feelings from me she is wanting. Make her control the outcome more with her own actions and reactions to things. This reasoning does sound perfectly logical and would probably work great with someone not dealing with BPD. From my experiences I have given up on logic. I have very recently come to the realization that this is all just a game to my uBPDgf. She cannot see logic and ultimately she is incapable of having any real empathy for me. So I have accepted that she is selfish and is unable to care about my needs at all. The main thing that all of this has made me realize is that I have to take back control in the relationship. It really hit home recently when she got upset about something minor I had done and she began playing her game. By text of course. I knew she was upset because her responses were short. So I ignored it and then she tells me she is picking her children up from school. Which is what I normally do to help her out because she works late. So I sent a very straight forward message back saying that I did not know why she was upset but that I would be staying at my place tonight. Of course this started an all out attack that ended with something along the lines of "GO AHEAD. STAY AT YOUR ******* HOUSE! I DONT CARE!". So after that I ignored her and luckily she had to go back to work where she is unable to text often. In my mind I wished her coworkers luck since I knew she would probably not be very pleasant to work around the rest of the day. Then I made a decision not to worry about how things would go later and I focused on my work. Of course at the end of the day I get a text that says "I dont want you to not come home tonight". I did end up going to her house even though I think I should have stayed home. But at the end of the day it showed her that I was not going to tolerate her game. The talk we had about it later that night did not go very well because she just ran me in circles as usual, but at least she did not dysregulate. Normally I would have caved immediately and begged her to let me pick up the girls. Then had an anxiety attack about what was going to happen in the evening when I got there. Then she would have been cold and short to me while we went through our evening routine as part of my "punishment". But instead she treated me decently and made a legitimate attempt to have a productive conversation with me about the whole thing. So I guess I am trying to tell you to push her. Take control of the game by taking a day off and do what you want to do. If she dysregulates on you when you tell her, leave the house. It is all a game, so detach as much as you can emotionally and don't let her get to you. She will calm down at some point and this will hopefully teach her to not to treat you badly. Then again, maybe not. She may leave you. And you have to come to a place where you will be ok with that. I have finally made it to a place where I can accept losing my gf and her girls and I know I will be ok. I guess that is the key. I think what I am calling the "game" is what is supposed to be setting boundaries. I do not mean to make it sound so negative, but this is what has worked for me. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 23, 2013, 02:02:40 PM Excerpt So I guess I am trying to tell you to push her. Take control of the game by taking a day off and do what you want to do. If she dysregulates on you when you tell her, leave the house. It is all a game, so detach as much as you can emotionally and don't let her get to you. She will calm down at some point and this will hopefully teach her to not to treat you badly. I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets. Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour. It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: DragoN on October 23, 2013, 09:42:45 PM Excerpt I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets. Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour. It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway. For a man this is dangerous, the bracelets come with a record that could destroy your work future. Be very careful. You did good in the car, and it is hard. Too bad you could not pull over and tell to get out. The car can be a really nasty place for all sorts of BPD behaviors as you are the captive audience. Using boundaries it gets worse before it gets better, and you must remain consistent. It will improve for You. She may change her ways somewhat. In the end, you will feel much better. Eventually, you will have a better perspective of whether or not you will choose to remain in the relationship. It's not easy Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 24, 2013, 05:13:21 AM Excerpt Too bad you could not pull over and tell to get out. She wanted me to and have me get out. It was pouring down rain. In the end I did feel better. I hate how it totally crushed her but I remained strong. I was done at that point I coul dhave just walked away and never came back. We did talk about what happened and why later. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Love Is Not Enough on October 24, 2013, 01:16:42 PM Excerpt So I guess I am trying to tell you to push her. Take control of the game by taking a day off and do what you want to do. If she dysregulates on you when you tell her, leave the house. It is all a game, so detach as much as you can emotionally and don't let her get to you. She will calm down at some point and this will hopefully teach her to not to treat you badly. I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets. Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour. It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway. You're right. Mine will stand behind my car if I am even able to get into it. It all just sounds so crazy now as I'm writing it down. So sick of it. That you held up for an hour is amazing. I don't have it in me anymore. I may just take off running down the street next time! We just have to work smarter not harder to combat crazy. I think someone suggested the idea to you of pulling over and going into a public place. It will be embarrassing as hell, but at least it might bring her down a notch. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Sluggo on October 24, 2013, 02:09:29 PM Excerpt This is carried over from "Its either she goes or I get a new job". Last night had a pretty possitive converstion last night. We were able to talk about what has been happening the last several weeks/months openingly and without loud yelling or argueing. Sat down and had a converstion. Afterwords I went to bed feeling better about the relationship and the track it was about to go on. I think she set me up to fail. She acknowldges she can not bring herself to beilev anythign i say or do unless she can physically see it. And that she gets angry when I am not validting and sending her an over abundance of emtional love. Not with words (again she does nto beleive them) but with physically seeing it in my texts and in my actions. I explained I can attempt to do those things but know that there will be times when I might not be able to. Not on purpose but unintended. She was hesitant but did finally acknowldge that. We got to bed and thats when she went from understanding to "I'm mad at you" Holy crap what now. I forgot to mention the weddign ring that was on the dresser. She left it there for me to see. Then I was supposed to be all upset she wasn't wearing it and fall over emotionally to her. Fill her full of loving empotions and say sweet nothings and beg her to put it back on. I did notice it earlier on the dresser but during the wonderful converstion I was not thinking of the ring. Apprently thats rude and ignorant of me to forget about that. SET UP FOR FAILURE. huh There are some peoples stories that sound familiar and there are other stories that sound like they were copied and pasted from my own posts. This one I would say was copied and pasted. I have said before to my dBPDw... .I am being set up to fail. I have also had the ring on the night stand many times. Last week it just wasnt the ring but it was all the jewelry box of all the jewelry I bought her over the years. I am interested in reading the other people on the thread to get their wisdom. I was just floored on how that sounds exaclty the same and wanted to jump in. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: LifeIsBeautiful on October 25, 2013, 12:51:52 AM It happened to me in the car as well last week while on vacation. I remained silent and my coffee was thrown out the window, luckily it was along a secluded road. Then I got into a minor accident and she stopped. This incident showed me that the escalation was a coping mechanism (a very poor one) and they can't get out of their rut until another event occurs. This timeline issue wrecks havoc, because it isn't linear and they jump from one to another, and are not able to "move on", I have learned not to say "get over it" because they simply cannot, and they won't until it gets resolved (in their own mind) or another event distracts them. It's classic eggshell territory and it's hard for them, and even harder for us. Traveling, I suspect, is also an issue. They are in anxiety during the transit, anticipation of the journey and destination. What's going to happen? They can't cope and get agitated, and sometimes it overloads their mind and go into short deep sleep. It's especially bad before bedtime and after waking up, "fear of the unknown, and also the truth".
Excerpt I tried to leave during a loud argument once. She used her bodyto block the bedroom door. I would have had to physically move here which I could just don't want o put hands on her when she gets like that. I don't nned a free ride with braclets. Also tried complete silence before. She was loud and scream ing int he car so I said calm down or I will not speak to you. So she pushed that ultimatum and I ingnored her. I was dead silent and didn't evne acknowldge her for an hour. She was hystarical. Screaming and crying "Talk to me, Acknowldge me" over and over without pause for an hour. It worked but holy hell that sucked. I had no place to go I was driving on the expressway. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 25, 2013, 05:36:49 AM Excerpt Traveling, I suspect, is also an issue. They are in anxiety during the transit, anticipation of the journey and destination. What's going to happen? They can't cope and get agitated, and sometimes it overloads their mind and go into short deep sleep. It's especially bad before bedtime and after waking up, "fear of the unknown, and also the truth". Yes I agree that is pretty much it right there. about 3 months ago she came with me on a business trip. I told her she would be bored as this is a business trip and I have to work long hours. Well when it turned out to be as I said she tried to change things to something she could control more and was more familiar with. It drove me crazy becasue if I told her I am also done and be back at the hotel soon and then it was 30 mins later before I left that wasn't good enough. And yes traveling the actual travel to unfamilar places puts her on edge I think to. So sort of another question out there. I don't know how to phrase my question. If a BPD has a very specific fear and you are then able to do what ever it is to make them feel less uneasy about it do they jump on the next uneasy feeling? Hmm I think I already know the answer. Its the same fealing just its changed to fit a new topic or situation. I don't think I can ever convince her even with solid proof of anything. Example I was workign late. Told her I was going to be runing behind and not sure how late I would be 30 to 40 mins maybe. So I was ready to leave and she says I'm cheating. So I take a picture of my computer on my desk as its closing down. Caption "loggin out and going home". Becasue my overhead light is out its darker in my cubical area and my phone doesn't take the highest quality pics. She said it looked suspicious and that it looked like a bedroom. So even with physical proof her mind can't even see the picture for what it is. If her mind is made up then anythign I do to disprove that is "faked" to show her what she wants to see and not really what it is. If what I do to prove her idea in her mnd is wrong ten she says I "fixed it up" to look that way to get her to try to beleive me when thats not what really happend. What the heck. So she can't bring herself to even try to beleive I am right and she was wrong. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 25, 2013, 08:53:05 AM Example I was workign late. Told her I was going to be runing behind and not sure how late I would be 30 to 40 mins maybe. So I was ready to leave and she says I'm cheating. So I take a picture of my computer on my desk as its closing down. Caption "loggin out and going home". Becasue my overhead light is out its darker in my cubical area and my phone doesn't take the highest quality pics. She said it looked suspicious and that it looked like a bedroom. So even with physical proof her mind can't even see the picture for what it is. If her mind is made up then anythign I do to disprove that is "faked" to show her what she wants to see and not really what it is. If what I do to prove her idea in her mnd is wrong ten she says I "fixed it up" to look that way to get her to try to beleive me when thats not what really happend. What the heck. So she can't bring herself to even try to beleive I am right and she was wrong. Holy moly Cipher, I think that you are actually enabling her feelings of insecurity doing stuff life this. Just tell her when you are leaving and she needs to work through her lack of trust demons herself. Validate her feelings "it must be really frustrating to not trust your husband. I can't imagine having to deal with those emotions every day" and then move on. Its not 'yours' to own her lack of trust in you. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: GreenMango on October 26, 2013, 05:55:31 PM Sometimes those insecurities lead to jealousy and paranoia. It can be really difficult. My ex was like this. Once that paranoia takes root it grows like a invasive species and its really hard to combat. It's not really about proving it isn't true because the fear feeds on itself.
I'm with allibaba on how to handle it. Here's an article TOOLS: How to deal with a jealous partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0) Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: LifeIsBeautiful on October 27, 2013, 08:52:02 PM I've been through that phase,they can't be wrong, because their own feelings about it are so intense that it has to be the truth in their mind. Think it's the fear and past experiences that causes this. I tend to attribute it to PTSD. I read somewhere that empathy from such behavior needs understanding about a person's past. E.g. someone who "loses" their mind whenever they hear thunder, may seem abnormal, but the reason could be during a storm, lightning burnt down their home in past. For my W, she did share with me that in her past r/s, her partners had cheated on her and she felt that she trusted them too much, hence she can't trust anyone now. Sad (for me) but true (for her). Slowly I am trying to gain her trust, it's slow and sometimes painful, but at least I understand and got over my own anger at the situation and try to approach it from a different perspective. It doesn't immediately make it better, but it does make it somewhat clearer.
Excerpt So sort of another question out there. I don't know how to phrase my question. If a BPD has a very specific fear and you are then able to do what ever it is to make them feel less uneasy about it do they jump on the next uneasy feeling? Hmm I think I already know the answer. Its the same fealing just its changed to fit a new topic or situation. I don't think I can ever convince her even with solid proof of anything. Example I was workign late. Told her I was going to be runing behind and not sure how late I would be 30 to 40 mins maybe. So I was ready to leave and she says I'm cheating. So I take a picture of my computer on my desk as its closing down. Caption "loggin out and going home". Becasue my overhead light is out its darker in my cubical area and my phone doesn't take the highest quality pics. She said it looked suspicious and that it looked like a bedroom. So even with physical proof her mind can't even see the picture for what it is. If her mind is made up then anythign I do to disprove that is "faked" to show her what she wants to see and not really what it is. If what I do to prove her idea in her mnd is wrong ten she says I "fixed it up" to look that way to get her to try to beleive me when thats not what really happend. What the heck. So she can't bring herself to even try to beleive I am right and she was wrong. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 28, 2013, 08:02:35 AM I can see why tryign to use logic to someone that is feeling ilogical isn't ever goign to work. At the time you want to have the "See I'm not doing what you think I am doing" moment. They can not then process it. How can it be? I have noticed she has a hard time with timelines. If it doesn't fit hers in her mind then someone is doing something wrong or against her or some other negative thing. Example she has applied and interviewed for a new job. Originaly they said they want ot fill it ASAP. But in the intervire process they said they have to narrow it down and that would take 10 to 14 days. Now thats messing with her. Its either now or they moved on and didn't tell her. She just can not wait. Any waiting is ignoring her. Just liek if I don't respond to a text quick enough. Nevermind that she doesn't always answer quickly nor does anyone else. In her mind it just didn't go throught so then she resends it. Waits a couple seconds then you get the "Hello?" text. Which means "I know you saw my text and are ignoring me"
Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: LifeIsBeautiful on October 28, 2013, 09:02:50 PM Hi Cipher,
It's eerie as it's the same here with the interview and texting. Went to a few medical appointments with her,there is usually a waiting list as expected, it's like rejection for her though everyone else is also waiting.From what I gathered, it's inability to cope with the feelings that waiting for something or someone brings on and it engulfs them; the black or white thinking.Nobody likes rejection, but for them it's extremely personal. I can see why tryign to use logic to someone that is feeling ilogical isn't ever goign to work. At the time you want to have the "See I'm not doing what you think I am doing" moment. They can not then process it. How can it be? I have noticed she has a hard time with timelines. If it doesn't fit hers in her mind then someone is doing something wrong or against her or some other negative thing. Example she has applied and interviewed for a new job. Originaly they said they want ot fill it ASAP. But in the intervire process they said they have to narrow it down and that would take 10 to 14 days. Now thats messing with her. Its either now or they moved on and didn't tell her. She just can not wait. Any waiting is ignoring her. Just liek if I don't respond to a text quick enough. Nevermind that she doesn't always answer quickly nor does anyone else. In her mind it just didn't go throught so then she resends it. Waits a couple seconds then you get the "Hello?" text. Which means "I know you saw my text and are ignoring me" Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: popeye6031 on October 30, 2013, 08:52:26 AM Well Cipher,
How have things been going? Are things still improving? Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 31, 2013, 05:30:24 AM Excerpt How have things been going? Are things still improving? Here is the latestes. I almost think she cant handle several daysor weeks of calm cool collectiveness. Plus I absolutley hate having to worry about how my words are being translated in her mind. I have to overthink everything to keep this up. It slipped alittle last night. She was talking about a potential job that would make her have to work Saturdays. She said then I can be a volenteer. I already assumed I would for large events. I said I might nto want to every saturday but I would certainly help out as best aI can and when I can. I already figured I might. She took it as I hate her don't support her and that crap. It was how I responded not the actual message behind it that affected her. Then goes off and says she knew I could keep up the mask of being nice for long. I think this is alot of projecting her own feelings on to me. That seems to be alot of what she is or has been doing lately. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: 123Phoebe on October 31, 2013, 06:29:00 AM Hey Cipher!
Sounds like you're able to stand separately and recognize what "her stuff" is -vs- what "your stuff" is |iiii This is great news! She took it as I hate her don't support her and that crap. It was how I responded not the actual message behind it that affected her. Can you think of ways to tweak your responses so that your message is delivered in the spirit it is intended? In a way that she feels heard and understood? Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 31, 2013, 08:49:41 AM Hey Cipher! Sounds like you're able to stand separately and recognize what "her stuff" is -vs- what "your stuff" is |iiii This is great news! Seriously! What a HUGE HUGE change in your tone. |iiii |iiii |iiii Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 31, 2013, 10:00:37 AM Excerpt Can you think of ways to tweak your responses so that your message is delivered in the spirit it is intended? In a way that she feels heard and understood? Yes I can but I have to work at it as it isn't alwaysa natural. Sometimes I am frustrated or not in a jolly mood. I really do try hard to work on how my converstion is going to be precieved. The other hard part is if I slipped and it got out before I thought about it I'm in deep. No amount of trying to reason with her as to the really meaning behind it can work. Its set in stone. I can totally see her stuff from my stuff. Really how can we handle this day in and day out. Even when things are going ok I want to bust out and bail. I feel fake quite often. The line I want to say so bad is "suck it up, I'm not a resivoir for fixing your feelings for you that all you". But it is true I have seen alot of different attitude form her for the most part. Possibley time to step on the gas pedal and keep this going. Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: allibaba on October 31, 2013, 10:16:14 AM But it is true I have seen alot of different attitude form her for the most part. Possibley time to step on the gas pedal and keep this going. Don't try to take on too much too fast or force change on her too quickly. Allow the changes that you are making time to settle and process :) At least that was the advice that I was given this week. lol Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: Cipher13 on October 31, 2013, 10:21:50 AM Well I need to do somethig she is beging to go off ther rials right now. I haven scheduled another T apt since the last month almost. I need to do that. I felt a bit of complacentcy I think. She noticed it right away and I'm getting a barage of texts about it now.
Title: Re: I think she sets me up to fail Post by: LifeIsBeautiful on October 31, 2013, 08:44:27 PM I feel this quite often.I've been trying to be mindful, of my own feelings and objectives. It's difficult, but if we are committed to the goal of continuing the relationship, there's probably no alternatives.Not doing what you are actually feeling is a struggle, the way I look at it, it's their problem and they are projecting it on us, and it makes us feel that way. The resources that I read, I feel, are actually telling us to be "superhuman" and to segregate our own feelings aside and not go into the same zone of feeling sadness,anger hate, which is what they actually want us to feel; if I'm not feeling ok you shouldn't too mentality. I'm still trying to find my inner peace, something that can soothe and calm myself, which I have yet to find. An external support system I think is helpful, for me that's not available now and this forum helps me in that.
Excerpt I can totally see her stuff from my stuff. Really how can we handle this day in and day out. Even when things are going ok I want to bust out and bail. I feel fake quite often. The line I want to say so bad is "suck it up, I'm not a resivoir for fixing your feelings for you that all you".But it is true I have seen alot of different attitude form her for the most part. Possibley time to step on the gas pedal and keep this going. |