BPDFamily.com

Is there a point of no return for a pwBPD.  I think that mark has been hit with my wife.  Any type of communication does not seem to improve anything but usually digs a bigger hole. 

Has anyone felt that the pwBPD will not ever respect you again?  That is their disrespect for me as an individual hits a 'critical mass' that is almost (if not all) impossible to recover from.  Any experience out there to help me think through this. 

No advice other than you are not alone.    I am still on the staying boards because I hope and pray things are going to change.   I would find new inspiration to get past the rough days and weeks, but I been several weeks now and no hope.  

Now that she is most likely officially diagnosed the following happens.

Me "I would like order a pizza?"

Her "I have a diagnose, you can not talk to me like that"

Me "What does one have do with the other"

Her "I have diagnoses, things effect me more that others, so you need think about what you say before you say. "

Me "I understand your diagnose can be frustrating and this hurt you,  but it does not mean I am not allowed to speak or share my opinions"

Her "Yes, it does"

If am only trying to say... ."You are not alone in your feelings about communications issues... ."

It's funny how they demand respect... are soo sensitive about how things are said to them never mind what is said to them... but they can say what they want in any tone they want and they can't figure out why your upset.

Exactly!

Ditto! Just had a scenario like that tonite , while trying to defend  my deflated 10 yr

After his BPD dad tried to expose the secret to a magic trick that his son was so excited to share with him ,, tearing a card in the process of grabbing at it to figure out the trick !,,

It ended with my son crying, my - BPD husband , had no clue why , and me trying explain as he tried to shut me up , culminating in his dad leaving  the  room ( as if we did something ) a,and my son saying - he hates me!

None of the conversation made sense , except maybe to him - forever the victim!,,

And he and the therapists complained to  me for years about my TONE .

If only they lived here... Tone should be our biggest problem!

It is never past the point of no return. But in can be out of your control. The pwBPD may have to reach their own rock bottom crisis and suffer the consequences, if no to recover but to realize they dont like the alternatives.

Most who do go on to substantial improvement do so only after a major crisis. A lot depends upon how much of their projection on to you is allowed to stick as a result of your reaction to it.

All the knowledge and tools in the world cannot be guaranteed to rescue a failing RS. Even regular RS's fail. It is even possible for someone to "recover' from BPD but both you and them have undergone so many changes in the process you are no longer compatible.

In short, individual cases are impossible to predict in the long term, you can only manage what you have in front of you and make a choice.

For better or worse, a pwBPD has the capacity to go very quickly from painting you black to painting you white.

I agree with waverider, there is always hope, but the situation may be out of your control.

Let us know what happens next.

I don't know how many times I've told people my relationship is over for good this time.  That the damage is irreparable and there's no way we can go on.  Then a few weeks later things everything is back to normal.

However THIS time I really DO think it's over for good.  The way she broke things off with me was like none other before.  A few weeks later things are not back to normal, but she is still filled with just as much hate as when she broke things off.  It really feels like I've been devalued and discarded for the final time.  Last night when I talked to her she confirmed that our relationship is OVER!  I think she really means it.

Time will tell.

 

Have you ever heard of TARA - overcoming BPD ? VAlerie Porr

They have weekends and workshops in NYC coming up

They explain BPD - teach coping techniques , and finally repair of damaged relationships.

It's coming up soon. I'm going to look into it .

Thank you all your thoughts and empathy. 

Mike 76- 
  That is how I feel as I am clinging on to hope.  However I am not sure if I am grasping for straws or it is part of the cycle I should expect.  It is just that in our 15 years the most an argument would go would be a couple of weeks however there seem to have a respect still.  That respect is not there.  The contempt with she looks at me is over powering.  Thank you for sharing in this.  Good luck to you also. 

Froggy and Edelweiss and Dancing 1-
  Froggy I used to use those comparisons and point those out when they happened.  But that only made things worse.  I was engaging in JADE with her and just realized in these boards in made things worse and created escalation.  But more than anything, I think it made me go 'off balance' internally as I didn't realize I was stepping into her reality trying to make sense of what I said.  I feel much more at peace but from the staNPDoint that I don't try to understand the why that just happened or wasn't understood.  It has not made the rages and silent treatment any easier but feel better inside.  Dancing 1 I am so sorry to hear about the incidences with your 10 year old.  I am worried about the long term affects that this will have on our kids.  I hear that in your comments too.   

Waverider;
  Thank you for your always sage advice.  I appreciate all the time and effort you have put into my posts helping me through this.  I am not sure what that rock bottom for her would be... .leaving the house if she chooses to do that?  Or would that be me making the next step in a legal way.   

The comment you make on 'their projection on to you is allowed to stick as a result of your reaction to it.  Can you give an example of a 'good' reaction or a 'poor' reaction to it.  I am having trouble wrapping my mind around that. 

Our T said when we both took our day long testing for psyc evaluations on our first visits.  He told both of us that if you go on to continue with therapy it could be the beginning of the end of your relationship.  That our on disfunctions we played in this relationship will no longer be the glue that has held us together.  The glove and the hand don't fit anymore.  He said that can especially happen if one goes on to become more healthy and the other one stays in the same place.   

Grey Kitty- 
  GK - Thank you also for all the time you have spent on the boards helping me through this over the weeks.  I think that is an accurate statement... .the situation may be out of my control.  It has taken a life all on its own.  This week's escalation piece was that she put all the jewelry that I have purchased for her over the years in my closet stating that she doesn't want anything that reminds her of me.  She stated I can sell it or give it to my dear mother.  This action was a reference to a comment I made (I realize I shouldn't have said it as soon as it left my mouth).  Since she has blocked me from all family calendar and family email by changing the password, I don't know much what is happening with all the kids events nor does she know now what is going on in my schedule as I had to get a new calendar.  Anyway I said I would have known the time of 'this event' but I don't have access to the calendar.  She said 'You don't pay me to be your secretary' and I said 'then stop using my credit cards'.  Dumb thing for me to say.   

Badly abused
  yes I have said that things are really bad over the years but they have always seemed to get better.  This one going on 8 weeks is by far the longest and don't see much opportunity for a difference yet.  I hope your relationship comes to an ending that you can live with and feel good about.  It is awful to be pulled back and forth like that. 

Dancing 1
  No I haven't heard of that.  I saw that you posted that also on a main board.  I will be interested to see what people say. 

I hear you. My BPD partner is so variable and I am trying to get out. I am never allowed to be angry with him, never allowed to raise my voice. This morning I aske him if he wanted to go to the gym with me... .he screamed back "NO! I have to work!" He owns his own business and I know he is stressed. But it is just a control issue--he has to come up with all the ideas or plans for the day- no tme. So now he just left--without saying goodbye--he went to the tanning salon! But sadly I work for him and once I find another job, I am gone forever--no more chances. I love him, but I cannot deal with his mood swings. And yeah-- the lack of respect.