BPDFamily.com

So last night my exBPDgf sent a text message to me after almost six months of zero contact.

I was sure that I would never hear from her again.

I have made no effort to contact her. Blocked social media. Started being interested in other women.

Moving on with my life and making slow steady progress. The depression is letting up. Experiencing freedom. New hopes and goals.

 

From a rational staNPDoint I cannot understand why my ex would contact me and send pictures of herself while telling me how much better she is. I am getting to the place called I don't care.

This seems to be predictable according to what I am able to understand about BPD.

I did not respond to the pictures and words that she sent me. It was a mistake for me to not have blocked her phone number. I didn't think I would ever hear from her again. I did. Now I am here posting again. Trying to rationalize irrational behavior. Questioning why she contacted me. To hurt me more? To try and ease her guilt and shame? Why? Only she knows. I don't want to know. Buy the way... .Her photos... Rough.

Can you elaborate? Were the photos an attempt at recycling or some sort of tactic to hurt you?

Yeah, I'd like to know more about the specific content of the messages and photos too.

Also, were you the dumper, or was she?

Knowing BPD, it could be a recycle attempt if she was the dumper, some fishing. Like, the implicit message could be, "Hey, I'm doing great... .I know you might be miffed at how I cut things off, but look, I've got my life together now, I was just in a crazy spot back then, so now maybe we can try things again?" I don't see why, if she were the dumper, she'd just be trying to hurt you more (unless her BPD is of the really vindictive sort). If she was the dumper, I'd guess that this is fishing for validation that you still care in spite of her actions, the start of trying to be "friends" or reassure herself of her own closure (selfishly), or even probably a full-fledged recycling attempt.

If you were the dumper then it could STILL be that, of course, she could be saying, "I know you dumped me for being crazy... .but, look, I'm okay now! So maybe we can put that behind us? [And start again? As friends? Or as MORE than friends?]" Or it could be revenge thing, like "How dare you dump me! Well, guess what, I'm doing great without you six months later! Best thing that ever happened to me! Don't you regret it now! Haha! This is what you lost!"

I'd need to know more about the specific content to be able to judge any more.

Either way, it's interesting: for people who are subject to mutual NC that lasts more than a few weeks, 6 months does seem to be one of the "sweet spots" for recontact that I've noticed around bpdfamily (along with 3 months and 8 months)... .

I have been posting since July this year. Go back and read some of my earlier posts. I was suicidal. She is addicted buy says in her message she has been clean five months. In her message she says she has her rotten teeth all fixed up. Her skin is destroyed from the drugs.

She said she put on weight. She looks like crap. 

I am not going to spend much time in this. I have already figured out that I am using reason on an unreasonable person.

Well, it's a good thing that you say the photo's look crap, i think a lot of people here would go mental if they see a picture of their ex and start ruminating and missing that person. You don't seem to act that way :)

Perfidy,

Sorry to hear about your setback.  I seem to remember you were taking some solid steps forward.  

Give yourself credit for not responding... .based on her past behavior, it is hard to figure for certain if it is a fishing attempt or not.  I remember her showing up at one of your favorite bars with her new beau, which seemed rather childish and vindictive.  

You say you don't want to know why she contacted you.  Are you really sure about this?

Good idea.

Process your own emotions, then let go and continue to move forward.

You have been around enough to know this is behavior often seen... .it is not about you or for your benefit.

Good job posting, healthy... .keep on moving forward with your life.

Peace,

SB

Yes Hazelrah... .I don't want to know why... .Just knowing that it is screwed up behavior from a sick mind is why enough. Seekingbalance said it plain enough. It holds nothing good for me. I'm human. I have feelings. I can be hurt. I have been hurt. Now I begin to heal.

I see her differently now. She is not attractive to me now. What I was in love with was an idea not a person. I was wanting the love that I didn't feel like I ever had. The loaded bond that nearly destroyed me. Something about feeling the need to be needed by a very sick person.

I am so proud of you.  To go from suicidal to not caring about this individual is HUGE progress.  I admire your strength. Keep up the NC.

Very good you didnt respond.

You are healing.

In bold.

That is the pattern of behavior.

That is BPD.

You have come a long way.  Give yourself a load of credit for that.

I am lucky. I'm alive. I'm free.

I strongly agree with the six month recontact window! I myself have just received an email out of the blue which is nothing but one long sob story about how her life is now a mess and she has been hospitalised etc etc. but she "does not seek sympathy" etc... .It appears to be little more than a fishing expedition and one I would not have recognised had it not been from educating myself here. Keep reading the lessons and accounts of members here to maintain your strength. Again, I would like to thank everyone in any way associated with this site for helping me in my own recovery which is steadily coming along.

Good for you to realize all this, Perfidy.  |iiii

I wonder how most people handle contact from people they are not interested in engaging with. I usually don't answer calls from numbers I don't recognize or people I don't want to talk with. I ignore their emails and texts as well, not worth my time to reply to. I don't think this is particularly impolite because it's worse to waste their time and my time in my opinion.

Is there anything you want to text back to her but you don't bother to because you think it's a waste of time?

I hope I can get to that place too... .

I know it hurts like crazy. I got the pictures ... .with the new girl. Then a couple months later a "look at my new haircut." Then "me and my new dog."

My thought is this. They wouldn't be contacting you to to let you know that they "don't care anymore" unless they did still care. But their still caring is more from their POV of being rejected.

I got blocked on Instagram, so I can't see the world she's creating there for her other "friends".  I still get one-off pics of her that she selectively sends me.  Trying to control and manipulate two (or more) different worlds... .

You blame her TFP?

I don't think blame is the right word ... .I accept it for what it is.

If she really wanted me to just keep up with her life as a friend, she would let me see what her other friends are seeing on Instagram.

If she really wanted me out of her life, she would block me on Instagram and never send me pictures.

What she's doing - blocking and sending at the same time - is something in between - and very much more BPD than either of the other choices.

It didn't hurt like crazy to get the pictures and read the words that she sent. And learning curve I have no words for her. I am getting better. The only regret that I have is that I didn't block her from being able to text me. I blocked her from social media months ago. Resolved my self to never seeing her again after the hell I went through. It was her choice to leave. I can respect that. It has all been said. There is nothing more to say. Any contact is not necessary. I don't care that she is off the drugs. The damage is profound. She has destroyed herself. I am indifferent. Her skin is so damaged she looks like a burn patient. I showed some of my friends the photos and they all said the same thing... ."that's gross".

All I have to do is remember the abuse I endured from her and couple it with those images and believe it or not I'm good with this. No reply. Seriously I can't imagine why I should give even a small crap about her after the massive dump she took on me. I'm sane?

wow, what an interesting observation.  have to chime in and say all other rounds of NC have been usually just days... .few weeks max, but this last (and waaay longest) one lasted 6 months, almost to the day (!), from when my xBPDgf wrote a postcard in mid-feb 2013 and then in mid-aug 2013 cranked up the volume and sent me a long handwritten 2-page love letter by snail mail.

looks like you hit that "sweet spot" nail on the head.  but... .why?  what is the significance?  how/why do they do it?  bizarre... .

icu2

Yes I too find it remarkable ... .Quite a pattern of behaviour. Makes no sense from my point of view. No response from me to her. Her number is now blocked from my phone. Wish I had done that earlier. I really didn't think she would try to contact me but its reassuring in a way because I can see the progress in myself that I was not attracted to her. Even with her new dental work she is destroyed. Five months of recovery is nothing in the face of a lifetime. I see a sick destroyed person when I look at her now and I'm glad to be me.