BPDFamily.com

i really need some help.  i'm feeling so so so down again... .sobbing like a lunatic.  i haven't talked to my xBPDgf for EIGHT months.  she wrote me a letter (full of love, remorse, let's get close again/reconnect, etc) TWO months ago but i have not responded.  i have written many responses, but not sent any!  but just reading her letter stirred a lot up for me.  stuff i thought i had put to rest, healed from... .

and i'm having that feeling again that i'll never love anyone again as much as i loved her. or feel as loved.  that i'll never truly get over her.  never truly be able to move on or be truly happy again.  i keep HEARING people here SAY i will, i can, etc but haven't noticed anyone saying THEY have experienced it.  i have got to get her out of head and heart b/c i have a husband who pretty desperately wants to have sex with me but i am devoid of any desire for him, only for her (when i have any at all, which isn't all that often).  is anybody here NORMAL again yet?  god i hope so, i need some hope to cling to.

i feel like being w/her changed me and left me empty, depressed, cynical, etc and i'm so afraid that this is the New Me and i just have to get used to it.

so if you've had a BPD "love of your life" and thought you'd never heal but you DID heal and you DID find a new healthy love and you're over the BPDgf PLEASE tell me about it.  i feel, these past few days at times, that i am losing my mind.

icu2

I feel your pain.

But the reality is that there are MANY success stories, it's just that by the time people have reached that point and found someone new, many do not come back to this forum and post about it. I will tell  you about mine.

I dated a girl with Narcissistic Personality Disorder before my current BPDex. THey are both cluster B disorder with many overlapping traits.  We broke up several times but for good after 2.5 years. I thought I would NEVER love again.  No way never. I thought this girl was my soulmate.  I had a super nice but not effective therapist at that time so that did not help.  Everywhere I went reminded me of my ex.  I could not date for a long time.  But slowly I got out of the funk and soon enough I was completely over her and my confidence was back and then some.  I had so much fun being single or being single and dating etc. Wasn't concerned about being in a serious relationship.  I was super happy, more than I have ever been.

Unfortunately at that time I had no idea what Cluster B or BPD disorders were so I never addressed my real issue of lack of love as a child by a BPD Waif mother.  That is why I was so vulnerable to my BPDex and allowed her to seduce me.  But my point is I DID get over my ex and was very happy afterwards.  You will be as well.

I too, fell deeply in love with ... .yes, a very schizoid NPD, and I was totally devistated at the end. I thought we'd be together forever. HE WAS IT! Right down to pulse racing when he was in the room with me,  till the very end a year and a half later.   I also eventually fell in love with two bipolar men, who were both quite kind, but frustrating to deal with. One of these guys I was with for 2.5 yrs,  I would have married in a heartbeat (he is still a friend btw... partially because he never treated me unkindly).  

With the above 3, at the ends I thought I'd need to check myself into the hospital because of my weightloss and near clinical depression.  

I never thought I'd love again after any of these men.

Then my uBPDex... .he was everything I ever wanted.  But it was an illusion.  I'm over 6 months out of a near 4 year dance with that one, and I've had the same thoughts as you, but part of what has kept me way more above water than with my previous attempts is the simple knowledge that I have loved and lost then loved again.

I'm taking a time out from relationships until I can learn to pick healthier partners... to fall in love with :)   but my capacity is still there, I KNOW it is possible.  My initial NPD experience did not prepare me for my BPD experience as there tends to be more humanity about BPD believe it or not (in the sense of affection and sporadic spontaneous love for you versus just themselves: NPD-"I would move mountains for you, just stay out of my way"... BPD, "I have never loved anyone like you, please don't leave me-but F you  get the F out, I can't stand the sight of you, but I do love you and you are my soulmate".

I don't have a current success story. It is true, those that have truly moved on don't normally come back to post because... .they've moved on.  I do remember a post or two from Redfeather... .he came back after his ex attempted to reengage him and just wanted to tell us how completely happy he was with a Non.  I think we all know that if we can put enough distance from us and our "EXPERIENCE" (ie ex)... we all know we most likely will be grateful it didn't work out, even if we felt like we would die at the time.

Honestly, I look back at the NPD experience now... .I can't believe I was so torn up about it or him, I don't know if he's dead or alive... kinda don't care, and if I got news he was married or with someone else I'd just feel sorry for her... .no jealousy whatsoever.   In the heat of it, I felt like I wanted to die.

We will all get through this you know... . :}

Several times, my "thankfulness it didn't work out" has proven almost divine, and at some point I will be thankful this, with my latestes uBPDex didn't work out.  I'm still working out kinks but I know I'll get there and it's liberating... .if you even care to think about it again! (i.e. goal)

It happens... .it does, and sometimes, it is a wonderful thing when we don't hear so much from the members of the sight... .it is because they've moved on.  You know?

I'm in a very numb state now.  Little over 6 months out. Longer than I've ever gone without a committed partner if I think about it.  I think it I'm mostly exhausted.  My attachment tenticles are frayed. Im disinterested in the opposite sex, and I'm not fighting it. I'm giving myself a break.

But if I were to flashback to how I felt at the end of the first 3 major relationships... .devastated basically... .and to where I am now I think of those expartners and experiences with the 20 ft view, and frankly, these men I would have handed my life to before? Now, I thank God I don't have to deal with them, whereever they are or I thank God I dodged the bullet of being the commited partner/caretaker.  With these men I loved so fervently, I now thank God I got out before the "fireworks".  My ExBPD... .this last one... .was REAL, not the same fireworks as the NPD, but way more commited than the very nice respectufl bipolars! Ummm... .

I absolutely, without a doubt know I will be one of the sucess stories.  :)   I know that.  

P.S... .sometimes it is less lonely to be single with friends, family,  and life and career, and interestes than it is being "single".

A big hug to you, ucmeicu. 

You are at a tough place right now, I hear your struggles - you sound very depressed.

Here is a thread which could perhaps helpful.

PERSPECTIVES: How we gained control of our lives (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70626.msg685197#msg685197)