BPDFamily.com

Well,

Haven't posted here in a few weeks.  Boundaries were put in place and every single one has been pushed and negotiations attempted by my 16yo boy.  The rules are simple... shower, take meds, attend therapy and take out the trash once a week... then he gets rewarded with cash.  He's not received the reward but once and had been continuing to push back.  We held strong.  The second set of boundaries involved his responsibilities... go to school, come home at curfew, let us know where you are.  Consequences are on a 3 strike system... 1st strike is a minimal consequence and they increase to third strike... no going out for 4 days and no electronics during that time.

Things have escalated as we expected them to.  His use of marijuana has increased... and is pretty regular now... which makes him motivated for the money... but if he doesn't earn it, he has been stealing from our house and selling things.  Tonight, my dh went out about 5 minutes before I got home and when I returned I noticed that my 16's phone was missing from my dh's desk.  I called up to 16 and asked him for his phone.  He didn't answer.  I called up again and he started yelling and swearing at me.  Then flew down the stairs at me.  I put my arm out to have him keep his distance so he didn't slam into me and he took that as a threat and came after me... pushing me... slapped me in the head, punched me in the stomach and threw shoes at my head.  Then yelled... are you gonna call the cops now you stupid 'b***'.  I said yes I am... and I did.  While I did that, he went upstairs and got dressed then checked his hair and sat and waited for them to arrive.  They arrested him as he mouthed off to them too and now he's in jail until he's arraigned on Monday.  I'm physically okay.  Emotionally, not so much.

This is the first time he's really been in trouble with the law and the first time he really came after me like that.  he did push me once but stopped... this time he kept coming.  Police were called last time too, but we had him taken for evaluation instead of jail.

I'm really feeling sad that it has come to this with our boy.  He's been given every opportunity to make good choices, and has pushed back every time. I don't know how this will end... well... .it won't end... but I don't know where this will go and I'm extremely sad and frustrated that we've gotten here.  My dh cried tonight and it might be the second time I've ever seen that in all the years I've known him.  

I'm not sure where my 16 will end up after this... or if he realizes the severity of the situation he's put himself in, but it sucks to see your child this way.  I've got nothing else... just sorting it all out.  

I am so sorry for the pain you and your DH are going through right now!  It sounds like you did the right thing by calling the police, actually what else could you do?  But, I am sure this is tearing your heart out right now!  Is your son also on any kind of mediation?  If you can find a way to get him to take it, that has been our salvation with our 14 y/o DD.  Has he been in a treatment facility?  Maybe that would be an option.  Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.  My thoughts, my heart and my prayers go out to you and for you!  Please know that we are here for you!

Thank you Bio... he's on medications and actually the officers came to get it for him.  He usually does take his medication if we remind him.  Hasn't been 'refusing' them lately.  Last October he was in a Partial Hospitilization program for a few weeks... it seemed to do more harm than good.  Got out, went back to school and had fallen behind since he lied to the program and told them he had no work to do... so was behind and never could catch up... .was too overwhelmed to even try.  In December, he ended up in a CBAT program for about a week... he was 'good' and 'behaving' so they let him out.  This was a little more helpful, but not really long enough to make an impact.  He's been escalating now since school started... .he's decided to drop out when he turns 17 and thus, decided not to do any kind of work there... and skip when ever the opportunity arises.  I think if he ends up anywhere, it needs to be longer term now.  And yes... heart is completely torn up.  He's our baby... and he's in jail.

BPDteensmom 

Do you know if there is a Dual Diagnosis Program anywhere near you? Do you think that with the possibility of being further detained your son might agree to check in to a Dual Dx Program? Since he has not only mental health issues, but also substance abuse issues, a program like that would most likely take him. Maybe you can work it out with the legal system that they will remand him to something like that, in lieu of further detention?

My son had been through 2 regular Rehabs in the 3 years prior to finally checking in to his Dual Dx Center (we were able to use his release from the Psych Ward of our hospital after a suicide ideation, as leverage to convince him he should go), and it wasn't until that 21-day Inpatient DD Program that he was finally aware of why he had the problems he did. He's now almost 8 months clean and sober, and is progressing in his recovery process from BPD and all of his many other Dxs.

It's just a thought... .I'm so sorry for all the trauma your family is going through, and I hope that something good will finally come out of all of this. Sometimes our children have to hit rock bottom before they realize they need help, and then agree to get it. You probably know my son's story by now, but if not, it's at the link below, in my sig line. It explains the DD Program he went to in more detail... .

I can answer any questions you might have if you think it could work for your son, and I highly recommend it, unless you have access to an RTC or some other program. But, at this point, he may end up willing to get help. All my best to you and your family... .

I am so sorry your family is going through all that.  That sounds so familiar.  We were going through the exact same scenarios a year and a half ago.  I know your heart is broken and feel just bone tired from all the emotional exhaustion.  Has your ds been hospitalized before?  I really do think he needs long term treatment and 2nd the dual dx program that rapt mentioned. 

You also need him out seeking treatment so you can take some time to heal yourself.  Please make sure you're taking care of yourself during this time.  Lots of long walks and tons of chocolate did the trick for me.

-crazed

You are not alone. Boundaries seem to be made to be broken. My 16yr old BPD dd is in full time residential now. She went awol 2 weeks ago and was sending me nasty texts because I found out where she was hiding and told the group home.

I feel so bad for you. 16 was the first time the cops came to our house to deal with our son when he threatened me with a kitchen knife, bit and punched his older brother and threatened to kill himself. (This bit you might enjoy in a weird BPD humor way)-HE was the one to call the cops to complain about the fact that I sat on him... .of course when the cops came and they weren't very sympathetic he got nasty with them and they carted him off to the county mental health facility. Your son doing his hair reminds me so much of mine who sat there very calmly waiting for the police to show up.

I don't have any advice other than hang in there. I remember my DH crying over my son at this point too and feeling like such a failure.

Just hugs.

How awful for you and your family.

How are you doing now? and how is your son ?  What is the system doing to get your family help?

Let us know.

We are here for you.

lbjnltx

Thank you for the support everyone

I'm feeling exhausted.  Emotionally and physically sore and tired.  My dh and I have led a very low key weekend and did our best to take care of ourselves (even indulge in some chocolate!).  My 16 is still in juvenile detention and he gets arraigned tomorrow morning.  My dh spoke to him finally today... my dh called yesterday several times and my 16 was apparently sleeping or showering every time... until the last time when he told the staff he didn't feel like talking.  So today my 16 called and said... 'they said you wanted to talk to me'.  Seemingly closed off... probably angry... didn't have much to say, wasn't even really able to answer basic questions... like how many other people are in the room with you. 

I'm not sure what will happen tomorrow... I'm hoping they order him some help and not come home.  I love my boy and I dont want to live scared of him, but I truly feel he needs help and needs to see the light one way or another.  I fear the stories he will tell/make up to authorities and all manner of things that could happen.  I guess it's the fear of the unknown.  I'm sad that we are even in this situation and feel like the road just got a lot longer.