BPDFamily.com

My BPD BF dumped me by text today " Hey I think we need to talk I think it is best if we are just friends. What you did to me has really killed me and us and I really need to be on my own and single. I'm going to lose my job if I keep having the mess up head I have everyday with this all going on. Maybe we can talk later"... .what he doesn't know is that I am fully aware of someone else he will never can never be single it is just him, as he said to me he goes from one bhit to another, I replied talk to you later how do I get on life after eight years his reply was "we can still be good friends"

so now the question is if he wants it over then why remain "good friends" and why not tell me about the other girl make out to me he wants to be "on his own & single" 

Why not wish him good luck with the new girl? (Insert random swear words)... :D ?

Ouch! Be friends with someone he "dumps" you via text? Hugs to you.

That's easy. To keep you close for the opportunity to recycle you later. They can't stand the thought of you hating them at any point so if you remain friends, the possibility of attaching himself to you once again down the line remains.  Protect yourself and remain vigilant in your boundaries.

butterfly141 

Sorry that you are in the pain pit. Read your intro. This character is really 

As Lost Sunshine stated, he will try to recycle, more than likely when his new supply kicks him to the curb. Nothing you can do about him, but heal. Learn about the PD behaviors so that you don't go down that rabbit hole again.

8 years is a long time. It's going to hurt a while.

(http://www.simplereminders.com/data/thumbs/blog/thumbnail.simplereminders.com-doubt-worry-clouds-mcgill-withtext-displayres.jpg)

Recycle me? but he said that my actions has killed "US" in his text if its over its over... .oh this is so confusing he must think this other girl is a better offer makes me feel great... .NOT

If he's a BPD or NPD, they tend to play true to form. Back ups are strewn behind their butts. Multiple masks/ faces on FB, dating sites, what have you.


NO contact. Shut down all avenues of communication and get busy with your life. Learn about the disorders so you don't make the same mistake.

Hope he runs into a sociopath in his near future.  :)

Well, in his defense.

Breaking up is per definition always difficult. And there is never a true moment where something has 'truly' killed a bond or not.

There is to a strong degree. Depends on your boundaries. You may not wish them ill, but you may wish them nothing whatsoever after a certain point, but to stay as far away as from you as possible. Cheating on me? R/S is dead in the water right there. Out of my life. I can't look at him the same way again. Bond is broken. Terminally.

I may 'care', but I care about the bird with a broken wing in the park more. It's relative. When a human being chooses to act in a gutless manner? They will be stepped over. Life goes on.

The manner in which this bugger has treated Butterfly141 is completely unacceptable. He "devalued" / deselected himself from the pleasure of being in her life, as I call it.

NO Contact.

For me, boundaries like that, are too strict.

Killing, stealing, crime, whatever would be a no-go out of my life within an instant.

Cheating? People are not meant to be with 1 single partner for the rest of their life (Jorge Bucay... ) That does not condone cheating, but it does mean that communication is ridiculously important. Cheating can often be prevented by having talked about each others problems... The cheating as in, "I got drunk, high, and wanted to get laid" fall of course in the line of, bye bye, never want to see you again. Because that's stupidity, and that's something I don't condone :)

Even if it is a boundary. Should you throw a mother in jail, who killed a person who raped and murdered her 3 young children? I'm not saying YES or NO, i'm purely saying that keeping strict boundaries is questionable. I for example, I don't have boundaries. I let everyone in who wants to get in. If I don't like it or I feel being used, they can go ___ off. But i'm not going back to the process of months and months building up something and then still being ___ed over after. :)

*My* Boundaries are non negotiable. Cheat and Good bye. Simple and clean.

I don't waste too much thought on it.

He can do whatever he wants. But not with me.  



He will have deselected himself from my existence and good riddance




How's that working for you?

Good, actually very good. I've had it with the belief in 'building up a true friendschip/relationship' over months and months where you slowly build up to something and then still get ___ed over. I lay all my cards on the table on meeting 1. You like it? Awesome, welcome, you ___ with me? Bye bye, but I am very reasonable.

I had friends who after months or years being in a friendship, confessed for example that they cut themselves when they were younger, and then *poof* friendship was gone. Nice man, all that building up and thinking of something special. The only thing that counts is the here and now. Effectively, there is no past and future, only 'now'.

Bonds can be broken within in instant, even after 10 years of being together. I am not taking it slow on that level anymore. Things change, people change, life changes.

Keep in mind that me keeping all my boundaries open, doesn't mean that I let everyone piss and walk over me. Because I don't. If I feel used, If I feel betrayed, I mention that. And is it working out? Yes, because now I get easier people in and around my life. And I can sort of pick who and what I want rather than closing all my doors and effectively might scare other persons who want to enter my life.

Not bad, I am reasonable as well. Cheat on me? Light your back end on fire and set course for the center of the sun.  :)


Nope... .that's a tad PD for me. Not going there.

Relationships require Time. What I want?  Something much deeper than that continual flux of PD malarkey and lack of core values, moral and ethics. The sort that changes with the wind with a lack of center. Had enough of that mentality to last me 10 life times.


Betrayal has nasty effects on people doesn't it? I am not willing to pay for the errors of others in my future. Nor would I choose to disrespect my future partner with something amorphous. Know what you want.  If not? Get lost.

Relationships require time? Awesome, it takes forever to build up a long bond, because you take it slow, by time, a little bit day by day. I'm to old to build something  up slowly. You say one wrong thing and *poof*, like that movie Harry Snotter, gone is the bond. Whether that trust has been build over 5 or 10 years, or 5 or 10 months, a boundary is a boundary and broken is broken. A deep relationship doesn't require a lot of time. Put yourself up with a complete stranger for 2 months on a deserted island and you might know that person as well as the someone you have known for 5 years in your normal daily life routine. It's how about you spend the time, not how long you have spent time together.

Btw, 'only the here and now counts', and the past and the future basically doesn't exist relates to Zen/Buddhism and not to personality disorders :D.

You are 27 or not? That's spring chicken territory.


I said: Cheating. That's GAME OVER. Good bye and don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. I will not want to see his face again. This is a fact. It's happened once before , he stalked me, wanted me back the whole nine yards. Over. Second time was my partner with proof and the marriage died. Right there. Exit strategy was being implemented in earnest.

Future? No marriage. Will not make that error again.

You can live your life how you want. I will live mine my way. And the man in my life will respect what the words Bond, Love, Trust, Respect, Intimacy mean to Me and He. And should he screw around... .Good bye  

And similarly if I were to screw around. I don't require external validation to feed my sense of self worth or self esteem. I would hope that my mate and I are capable of appealing to each other on a sexual level that would be mutually satisfying and sacred to the relationship.

I am not signing on to any bogus open relationship garbage.

My future man? He will not be one to like to share his wife with others. I am very old world in this. Fortunately, many men are too. I have a large pool of males to choose from in my age range that are past the instant gratification phase and more interested in someone to connect with.

My Ex dumped me by text.

I pleaded with her at the time to let me ring her and at least talk about it like adults... .She said no she can't because she will freeze up and break down and can't handle her feelings ect... .

Was all about her. Didn't give a damn about what she did to me.

I fully agree with everything you say besides the chicken comment. I'm not open to "open relationships" either and also consider that garbage.

Hi butterfly141,

I'm so sorry about the breakup by text message, that is really painful.      Several of my shocking "about-faces" happened by email, which was very hurtful for me.

Your partner wanting to break up but remain friends is fairly common on these boards.  A pwBPD has a great fear of losing his/her partner, and at the same time feels engulfed and is compelled to push the partner away.  This behavior seems irrational to us, but unfortunately, it's part of the coping strategies that help the pwBPD cope with relationships.  BPD is a serious mental illness.

butterfly141, you have been through a lot.  Do you have supportive friends and/or family whom you can turn to?  It's important to take good care of yourself.

Keep posting.  We're here for you. 

Hi Butterfly,

My heart goes out to you.  My ex dumped me via text after 4.5 years together, saying, "I need to move on.  But remember that I'll always love you".  Yeah, right!  Most pwBPDs I have heard of are cowards and don't really care about anyone but themselves.  My ex then continued to contact me off and on for the next year, but only when she wanted something from me;  a recipe, a job reference, help with her sister's cancer... .  It really told me a lot about how important I was to her.

I'm sure you're hurting after being together with him for so long.  And the way it happened was even more hurtful.  pwBPD are notorious for leaving us with no closure.  Please know that there are many people on this board who understand your pain and want to support you.  You have friends here!

Take good care... .

C&H

Butterfly,

I forgot to answer your question.  One of the many things I have learned on this board is that pwBPD are almost incapable of being true friends.  While it occasionally happens, it's the exception rather than the rule.  The reason is they are filled with toxic shame.  The truly hate themselves and will do anything to keep from others thinking worse of them.  My ex lies to everyone around her all the time.  She also told me several times that she wanted to be friends.  But as others here have said better than I could, who would want to be friends with someone who treats others this way?  I recommend reading the posts from '2010'.  They are really good and helped me a lot to understand what was happening behind the mask.

I wish you well and hope you heal quickly.

C&H

Thanks I got into a text argument with him this morning he is taking no responsibility for his behaviour and totally blaming me for us not working out I feel like hitting my head against the wall ! He is still making out there is no one else does he seriously think I am that stupid? and haven't worked him out after eight years

One of the hallmarks of this illness is that they never accept responsibility for their behavior.  Even with a trained therapist, the probability of complete resolution is very small, because they constantly project their issues on others.  For me, I was constantly accused of having an affair, being a liar, destroying her property, not caring for her, spying on her, and the list goes on.  Seems clear to me that you're never going to get the kind of closure you seek.  And for that, I'm so sorry.  It's a very hard pill to swallow... .  Do your best to stay strong and look at his behavior for what it is - a serious mental illness.  pwBPD are emotional 3 year olds who have no way of maturely dealing with others.

Take care,

C&H

That is typical BPD/ NPD behavior.

There will not be closure. Only that which you give to yourself. We must create it for ourselves. Therapy helps as well understanding what it was you were dealing with.

8 years is a long time, and some have been married 30+ years and similar happens. Others with children in the mix.

(http://www.simplereminders.com/data/thumbs/blog/thumbnail.simplereminders.com-false-world-beach-mcgill-withtext-displayres.jpg)


www.guidetopsychology.com/BPD.htm (http://www.server16.kproxy.com/servlet/redirect.srv/sruj/shqzxbvrojhhnzzfsf/sxyz/p1/BPD.htm)

Therapists don't even want to deal with BPD because they are exhausting. The denial mechanisms are unbelievable. You cannot help him, he is his own cure.

 He will not ever have peace and he will continue to hate and loathe his very existence and tear down each person after you in the same manner. They are wrecking balls and false constructs mirroring anyone they admire long enough to rope them in . Then the devaluation starts.

You fell in love with what he mirrored of yourSelf.

Yes it is strange you say that he seems to be a bit of an cameleon changes what he likes etc according to whom he is with, he has told me that he is still single and wants to be with someone that lives on their own has no kids and he wants kids we spoke about this a while ago as I am a single mother I said I was not interested in any more he was fine with that and turned around and said he was happy and now he wants children he has brought up every single negative thing that has happened or I have done and has forgotten all the crap he has put me through

Ugh.  The kid thing brings up hard memories for me.  I'm a single mom too.  When he was courting me, my ex was all about how great a mom I was and how he'd be as patient as need be for me to work out how to integrate him and the idea of him, into my life with my daughter.

But it all came crashing down one day when he accidentally hurt her feelings (she was 6, they were brand new to each other, & she had high hopes for a "new dad" and was crushed when he did something that hurt her by accident), I went to comfort her, and when I got back to him a few moments later, he was done.  It hurt him greatly.  He went on to rationalize it as him not being up to the whole kid thing after all, or my having a poor parenting style ... .it gutted me.  I was so proud of my efforts as a mom coming out of a horrible divorce and all, and he made me feel like my kid & my care for my kid cost me this great love.  It was awful.

Flipping about whether they want you as a mom, or not, or a mom who wants more kids ... .it hits in a really tender place, at least it did for me.

The remote dumping is par for the course with pwBPD. Speaking from my only experience with a pwBPD, my undiagnosed ex-boyfriend broke up with me every five weeks or so, and each shocking about-face (as heartandwhole put it so well  :)) was not in person. I had "we're done, move on" in Facebook messages and texts. Once over the phone -- that one I thought he meant business because I actually heard him yell it at me. He returned a week later. We broke up for good four months ago.

Also, with each breakup, I got the blame. 

Oh gez I am seriously struggling tonight took myself up to my doctor I have depression quite bad and have been given a referral to a psychologist. Received a text from my ex BPD today "can you talk"... .I rang him and he was speaking to me like it was the old days then it went all down hill from there, he didn't want to believe what I was saying, we have arranged to meet and exchange our properties that we have at each others places and say goodbye he turned round in the conversation and asked for a necklace and pendant he gave me that means the world to me, what is he going to do give it to the new girl? He also said when were arranging a day cant do it Friday I'm busy... .he was trying to hurt me I turned around and said so am I, he smugly said moving on already are we? I said No taking my boy to his school disco but in a way he was checking up on me, what its ok to dump me for someone else he isn't open about but not for me? I hadn't heard his voice for three days and hearing it today and made me worse, he likes hurting me. He wants to move on "all fresh and new" so he leaves the depleted girlfriend that has copped abuse, rages, threats and depression for someone fresh and new to damage her? 

butterfly i'm so sorry for what you're going through. my BPD stbxw first indicated there was a problem by email (i lived with this person), and they do have a habit of changing the direction of conversations. it's very insulting when they do that, they're not respecting your issues.


i got so frustrated a few times that i actually did that

Hi Butterfly,

How are you today?

I replied on your intro post before seeing this one 

Hello Butterfly,

I myself was dumped through text after my four year relationship with my exBPDgf. So, I can relate to where you’re coming from; it’s a sudden excruciating shot to reality. Why does he want to be "good friends" and how come he just can’t honestly tell me about the other woman vs. telling me he wants to be "on his own & single"?

Truth of the matter is that only he holds the answers; which you will never get when an individual with BPD is involved. These questions are just one of many which you will encounter on your path to recovery. Overall, you’re already doing an awesome job by posting on the forum. |iiii

As Confusedandhurt has suggested, I highly recommend reading posts/articles you can find here.  It truly sheds light on things.

Just about everyone on this forum has been with someone with BPD so we can relate to the pain (which is beyond words) of what each other is going through. Hang in there Butterfly and remember that we're all here for you!

Thank you so much everyone  ! It is comforting to know that there are people that "understand" 

as time is going slowly the fog is lifting and as I read more and more I am mesmerised and saying wow my exBPD bf is REALLY sick. I am understanding as to why he has done what he has... .not seeing me for 2 & 1/2 months when I was so sick the crave for him with this illness to be wanted would've of been boiling inside, I look back now at times when I had rung him when I as close to over my illness bout and think he wasn't where he has made out to me to be so this girl was in the picture earlier than I presumed, but it makes me think he cant be honest with me so what on earth was he saying to this other girl, that I was a ex already? when in fact I was his gf of 8 years and we were talking of moving in together, what would've he done if we did move in with this girl he was seeing behind my back? just disposed of her as an object her job was done ? I still seriously cant believe he hid his FB profile from me and 9 out of 10 of his friends were female. He sent me a random text last night at 10pm it said " why couldn't of you just looked for a job and place to live down here"... .is he still just playing mind games? did he send that text to just make himself feel better and yet again lay the blame on me?  what kind of person doesn't wait for their gf of 8 years to get better so they can finally live together and be happy? instead play behind their gf back because their bored and ditch me by text to play with fresh meat... .yep sorry I'm angry today

oh my lord I seriously cant wait till I get my stuff back then I can go NC... .what a doozy of a day I am just going with the flo with him so I get my property back... .I receive a text at 12.30 on the dot from him it is his lunch break saying "hi" as in can you ring me so I ring we are talking general then I asked for my tent and camping bed etc I said you can keep my toaster and that as I don't need them were I am going he freaks out finding out I am moving out of town from my parents he says I think you should stay at parents you will go backwards blah blah blah he got so upset at me so I turned around and said well you are the one that wants to be "on his own and single" and wants a "woman that lives on her own with no children"... .later on today he sent me another msg saying if you got this text after saying to someone "is it wrong for me to miss you" would you worry... ."Its not wrong to miss me but I don't miss you at the moment cause im still getting to know you" I questioned him who sent him that? he claims that I did years ago but I know that's not true my assumptions are right he is trying to woo another girl he is spending time with and he sent it to her and that is the response he got... .GOOD LUCK TO HER 

What the hell is going on with my exBPD he is loosing the plot ! He seriously thinks everything is my fault he blames me for everything I have issues what on earth?   he doesn't understand why I didn't move in with him, am I to move in with someone that threatens, he just said to me I am lucky that he didn't hit me when he went off in my car and I deserved it, I deserved everything I got, he doesn't understand the times I tried to walk away from him was because of after he abused me or threatened me, he just doesn't "get it" at all he seriously believes I am at fault I seriously don't think it is a good idea to meet him while he is in this state of mind searching for answers he will never "get it"... .the cheating, the lies, the deceiving ~ he recons he warned me every time before each gir but he didn't there were times when I hadn't done anything to warrant him cheating on me at all! He kindly called me fat, an ass, self centred, uncaring and I supposedly didn't love him um ok so I put up with all of that when I didn't love him for 8 years, so he got bored while I was sick and goes and spends time with another girl then now that I am better he dumps me by text but it is ok because he "warned me" that he was falling out of love with me I seriously do not believe him doing that AT ALL! Sorry I am venting

Mmmmm I seem to be talking to myself, one more day and he is gone have arranged to get my belongings safely... .I got accused of being a stalker and harassing people... .can I ask someone this and mind you this is after I have found my exBPD bf on dating websites while with me and some of them were bisexual ones, I have caught him out flirting via text and email and sending photos of his private parts to total strangers on the internet... .ok question... .I was on FB two weekends ago while I was still his GF and this profile came up asking "do you know this person"... .I said WOW yes its my BF so as any GF would do I ask him why are you on FB? He outright denied it to me and said what are you talking about? I noticed that 9 out of 10 of his friends were female so I asked him who on earth are all the girls I didn't know any of them nor has he mentioned any of their names to me in the last 8 years, so he went off at me threatened me, called me a psycho bhit, so I sent a personal message to the girls asking "how do you now (my boyfriends name)" I got no reply because evidentially he told them that I am "trouble" & have "issues"... .but meanwhile he is telling me that he loves me... .so know he has had a dig at me today about this making out that I have problems, isn't this what you call projection? When will he accept responsibility for his behaviour? He recons he was screaming out for my love over the three months I was sick but he got tired and bored 

Hi butterfly,

I am sorry for what you are going through. My situations sounds very much like yours although not quite as long a relationship but no less painful.

Yes they will lie through there teeth about there being someone else. The last rage from my ex was we were making dinner talking and he started showing me a picture on his phone of work then was showing me a picture of a woman. Something went off in my head and I brushed it off like I wasn't interested in seeing it. He flew into a rage and called me jealous and insecure. That was it relationship over. He was gone. No conversation nothing. Well through texts to him as he was silent I called him out on my suspicions he left for her. The only responses I ever got were simply that I'm crazy and he never cheated on me.

I knew in my heart but 3 mo out I found out 2 days ago. I drove by her house and saw his truck there. I then found out from friend who's mom works for same company it was common knowledge they had been together all the while we were.

They lie, lie, lie... .It's what they do! And to think he was forcing me to look at a picture of the woman he was cheating with me on.   Sick!n

Hi Butterfly,

This is crazymaking at it's hardest. I am still with my BPDbf but he has dumped me a few times. On each occassion he has made me feel as though it was my fault - it clearly wasnt - unfortunately the nature of this type of behaviour can make you doubt yourself.

I have a tip for you. Write a letter to yourself. Write it NOW - while it is all fresh in your mind. Write down all the reasons that you have not caused the breakup. It may be handy for when you (almost inevitably) start doubting your own truth. It may help you - 

Butterfly,

In reading this it also helped me with my situation. Sometimes when you see someone else going through the same it becomes clearer which is one of the reason these boards are good.

Please be very careful of buying into anything he says. I think the mind games are one of the most damaging things they do because it make you question your sanity and makes it harder to detach. They love the mind games and know they are doing it. It gives them pleasure to have that kind of control.

My ex used to do the same exact things your describing. Crazy making conversations, gas lighting. They do it to keep us off balance and yes everything is your fault. My ex said the reason we broke up is I'm jealous and hard to get along with. Meanwhile I was kissing his ass and walking on eggshells so that's BS. All the while he was with someone else and leaving me for her. We are his excuse for his behaviors. That's all! This is why no contact is important. I feel like I need an exorsism. Seriously!He is the devil.

Iwalk

Sorry. Must be doing something wrong to make my reply look like a quote. I'm new at this.

Harmkrakow,

I have to call you out on this statement. I have a problem when people make these assertions as if they are absolutes! That is fine if that that is your opinion but I do not believe that to be true and I don't think many people here do either. Just because some supposed expert say it doesn't make it true.

If you do believe that I hope you let the people your with know this so they can make an educated decision about being with you.

If my ex was honest with me about this I would never been in it to begin with and could have saved me a world of pain. I told him at least George Clooney is honest about being a serial womanizer and every woman who gets involved knows this. I don't like his behavior but he is honest about it. It's the dishonesty I hate.

Thanks for the replies :) tomorrow is the last day I have to have contact then its NC for me, he has made out to everyone on his side of the fence that I have issues which erks me to bits but as I have read, this is what they do I also believe that my exBPD bf has NPD traits, he really just needs to learn the hard way now and I am walking away from him for good, seriously after the abuse & threats I copped the other day and he sends me a "hi" message & he expects me to talk to him like everything is a ok after dumping me by text and cheating on me AGAIN, but its all my doing mmmmmm ok no worries

Good about no contact butterfly!

Yes as I was reading yours this morning and thinking about my situation I am actually believing more and more mine is more NPD than BPD. I think the behavior is very similar but the intentions seem to be different. Npd seems more deliberate and uncaring.

Mine after abrubtly running out and going silent, abuse, cheating has the nerve to send me a words with friends request and waves to me when he sees me out for my walk. May seem relatively minor to some on the outside but it is infuriating to me almost like he is rubbing everything in my face and shows he has no shame or care at all of the suffering I even told him he has caused. He doesn't care. In fact they say don't let an NPD know you are suffering because that brings them pleasure.

Yes Iwalk they enjoy to know that they have inflicted hurt, horrible horrible people, mine has been saying things since we have broken up to get to me I just trying to let the words run off like water off a ducks back, I actually said to him tonight that I knew how he worked and he can say what ever he wants to me to try to get into my head but it doesn't work anymore 

Hang in there. We are here for you.

I apoligze for coming over as 'absolute'. This was not meant this way. I just believe people are not meant to be with 1 person for the rest of their life. Not that they have to cheat, but it requires a great set of skills and admiration to turn the beginning passion into compassion and continue with someone.

I'm more of a science'y douche, I believe chemicals will eventually run out and it's up to the 2 of you to make it work for the rest of your life.

I think everyone agree's with this one anyway.

Butterfly and Others,

I was also dumped by text.  My ex runs around telling everyone I am "psycho".  We work together and in the beginning he was sending me those "Hi" messages or stopping to talk to me in the hall as if nothing ever happened.  And yes, my ex has heavy N traits. 

I know it is not for everyone but NC is the best thing for me.  I do not make eye contact with my ex when I see him at work.  This was the hardest thing for me to do, but it is the best for me, and it does get easier.  I found that even smiling at him in the hall was enough for the cycle to start again, and it always ended the same, with suffering on my part.   

Now when I pass him in the hall he hugs the wall, hangs his head down and stares at the floor.

Good luck, we are here for you!