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as if ive not had all the beating i can stand. i txt her today, what on earth am i thinking no good can come of that txt. she the one that been making the contact ive been strong ive tried hard to stay away.

now i go fishing?  wow i wish i could unsend that and just get over this this mess

See it as being human and letting the moment slip away from you. In the grand scheme of things it is just a text in essence it doesn't mean so much at all though it means a lot to you right now. It's okay to have emotions n slip up with the cutting off of contact... but just relieve any guilt or wish of not having sent it as it's done now. ... it's in the past.

Start over fresh right now 

thank you ACC. your words really did help me.

ive never seen anything like this in my life!

it came to me yesterday morning that she and i have been having the same r/s we always had. only now that we live apart the cycle is much faster. the cyclce use to take three months to go all the way around. she loved me was good with our life, then she got depressed needed me for everything, when went into live BPD mode and would leave me.

now the cycle is going around every few weeks or even days and over then phone or on f/b.

I never lived with my ex though I saw the cycle speed up to the point where two consecutive days together would trigger him to pull away n hit me with silence.

For him intensity of intimacy was followed with blocking me. I almost saw distance or grey in his eyes before I left sometimes. Sometimes he'd cry as he was leading me tp the door saying goodbye.

It's a touching and traumatic life experience to be exposed to.

Sometimes you just want to reach out to them. It doesn't change anything though.  Hugs.

your right nothing changes with BPD it just seems to get more out of control

I'm in the same boat, 5 months out of the relationship, 2 months out about finding the truth about WHY it ended (just a hint - lies about time spent with another man might have been involved).

Every time I hear from my uBPDexgf, it hurts me. Whatever conversations we had descended into me trying to get her to accept responsibility for her hurting me and ending our relationship, but it never works as most of us know.

So I got an App on my phone that counts the time since something happened, now it sounds really dumb, but I play a game with myself. What's the longest I can go? At first it was a day or two, then several days, then for about a month, I couldn't go a week without sending a little text or an email. Then a couple of weeks ago, I realized that contact itself was hurting me just as much as her actions did. Her ignorance and lack of empathy reopened those wounds. So when people say NC, that means blocking, deleting, getting browser plugins so you don't go looking, and keeping disciplined.

Be patient with yourself. Cold turkey is really hard whether you're smoking or addicted to the drama of a pwBPD. Don't expect too much of yourself and don't feel down on yourself if you give in. It takes time.

thank you parker, its been almost 7 months apart and not seen her in 3 months. i know i would have been better of by now if i wouldnt have let her drag me in so many times. im so use to her coming and going its all i know.

i kind of have the feeling she may really be done this and it up to me to let go.

and i was wrong  , she just answered and says she wants to talk to me    red-flag  im going to take my blood pressure i was bragging on her how i now had it under control i want to see where it is now, im having small panic attack

Now would be an excellent time to take a step back, put your phone down and go do something totally unrelated to this stuff - like a walk or gym. Then approach it with a clear mind. She's not going anywhere, the world will keep spinning if you give yourself time to realign and ground yourself.

thank you again ACC your wonderful. phone off going to put the lap top down and try and keep my mind on oether stuff thank you so much