BPDFamily.com

How did you afford your divorce, esp with evaluations and stuff?

For the first time in my life, I am putting it all on credit cards, which I will have to start paying off next year.

Is that what people do, just pay a monthly fee and try not to go broke?

The thing is, my hubby makes less than I do.  I will be able to get some child support but not enough.  We live in a city.  I don't have a car, so it's good for me to be here, but day care is pricy.

I hate being in debt.  And no, relatives don't help me (I give money to one of my relatives who has mental health issues.)

For me personally, I spent my share of the property settlement from 4 years ago, the profit that I made on selling my house and the commission from the last 3 years, my inheritance from my grandmother and my tax refund checks. 

My credit card debt is piling up and I have just accepted that that's how it'll be for a few more years.

There is no easy way out. I acknowledged and accepted that I can't replace my children, but I can make more money.

I keep reminding myself that one day, he'll be judged for all of this pain... .one day... .

Same as you, momtara -- I now have credit card debt. I owe my family money too. We eat more than ramen noodles at my house, but not by much. I took out a loan for school, a small one just for tuition.

It's tough, the expense. My family is filled with super savers, almost to the point of miserly. So it's been tough taking the step into debt.

Tax returns, loan on my 401k, cashed in investment account, money from parents, etc.   All total, living expenses for 15 months, legal fees and misc... .$70k.

Same here,except I have the luxury of having a great boss who lets me borrow money to help and then takes it out of bonuses or checks. One year and I'm in about $23K including CS and haven't had a hearing yet. I also look at it from a financial perspective. Over 10 years I'll pay at least $120K in CS if things stay as is,so $50k to save another 70K is worth it. After that point,it becomes a net loss,but it doesn't mean I'd give up,for the kids sake.It gives me another perspective to look at so that I'm not stuck thinking about the money I've spent already.

There does come a time where you have to look strongly at the things you can let go of and the things you can't. Half the equity in the home might not seem right,but if you spend 20K and it'll help you save 50K over the next 10 years,then you might look at using the equity to sweeten up a deal.It's all a business transaction,barring best interest of the kids.

I should clarify, my expenses were spread over a 4-yr period.  DOS 8/2008, divorced 2/2012... .BUT THERE ARE STILL MORE EXPENSES!

Give me a moment... .

• As my then-spouse was sinking into despair, blaming, suspicions, isolation, ranting and raging, I let go our savings account, whatever we had was invested in our house.



• We separated in late 2005, most of the time since I've either paid her child support, alimony or child support again, thus far for about 7.5 years and still bleeding $$$.  (The only thing that lessened the blow was knowing that alimony is pre-tax.)



• During the 2 year divorce process I didn't know if she would file jointly, so I didn't feel I could skimp on tax withholding in case I ended up owing more due to being married but filing separately.  It was no fun waiting until October (I filed for 6 month delay) for her lawyer to tell her to cooperate.  Sadly she wanted for herself half the refund of MY tax withholding.  A very expensive signature.



• She got half the house equity just as the values were starting to tumble.  Previously the house was about 50% mortgaged, now it's fully mortgaged plus all the allowed home equity loan.



• About 8 years of lawyer fees and other associated costs.



• Day care expenses have just ended, after the first few years she had mooched off my daycare.



• In and out of court since 2005.  The staffer at the court recorder's office accidentally printed out the entire case list a month ago, it went 38 pages as I recall.



• House is fully mortgaged, home equity is a couple hundred from the limit, I owe another 4 years on the car, no savings account, right now I have a little over $100 in checking and I owe the lawyer for the latest case, 15 months, a few continuances and two full days in court.  The only tangible positive is my retirement account, I've been adding a minimal 3-5% when I ought to be stuffing 25% in it.  I can officially retire early in about three years, it would last me two or three years, maybe.



• I earn a better than average income yet I've been living from paycheck to paycheck for all these years.



• I don't know how but I've managed to keep a good credit score despite all this draining chaos and obstruction.

But this week I feel like a reinvigorated new man, on top of the world, most of my legal struggles are behind me now or I hope soon will be.  In 2008 I became Residential Parent with equal time, in 2011 I became Legal Guardian, this year I'm hoping to get majority time.  A long struggle but if I get majority time I doubt I can get much more than that for the next 6 years.

I figure legal costs have set me back 20 years financially.  I had a credit score over 800 before the divorce.  Not anymore!

Plus had a house, nicely building net worth, very large sum of unused credit between a few cards and house equity... .it's all gone.  Sold the house 6 months ago.  Just couldn't afford it anymore, and I'd not been able to spend anything on needed maintenance.  The buyer put over $30k into it in repairs (roof/leak in a drain line/new carpets/painting/some exterior repairs/etc.).

I've just accepted I won't be able to build appreciable wealth until after my son has graduated college, unless I find a way to change careers to something that pays better.  And I make a pretty high wage as it is already. 

But it's all good.  Can't take it with you when you die.

The money stuff can get you down, but the way I see it, S12 was headed for far bigger problems. He was labeled "at risk" at age 8, which meant either substance abuse, delinquency, or suicide. Getting out of the marriage, stabilizing S12, getting him into therapy, getting sole custody -- I won't know for another ten years, but I figure the money was more than well spent.

We are blowing through what is left of his inheretence from his grandparents. It really stinks because our house was a foreclosure so it needs some work and it would also be really nice if we could update the kitchen and do a few other things that are not a necessity but would improve our enjoyment of the home and add to it's value. There may eventually be money for that but it'll be coming from my side. We work and live in an expensive area so just living right now is paycheck to paycheck.

I like the thought that over ten years we'd be saving a bunch of money in child support but that doesn't actually work out because theoretically BPD mom needs that money to pay for things for the kids and if they were here we'd just be paying out the same money for their care. (Groceries, clothes, more $ on utilities, therapy once a week, etc) Kids are expensive no matter how you look at it. But at least of they were here we would know how the money got used (not for her new brand name watches and purses while the S9 never has a haircut and S9 and D10 are in the same bedroom with BPD mom's other toddler daughter because she "can't afford a place with the third bedroom"  and we could at least make sure they grow up happy and emotionally healthy.

Great question, I needed to read this too as I am broke as crap living paycheck to paycheck because of all the extra costs this is for me... .it is so humbling, so difficult and discouraging. I hate saying it but I am glad I am not alone... .

Definitely not alone... .it totally stinks.

The GAL has pressured us to settle by paying her off because it would save money in the long run.  It's not the money, it is the principle of the matter and trying our best to protect the kids.

!

We've considered that too. But no payoff is enforceable. There is absolutely nothing stopping a disordered parent from taking the money, spending every penny of it, and coming right back to court and saying "I can't afford to ever pay it back but I realized having my children in my life is more important than money and now I still want custody." If a judge determines that it's better for the kids to still have contact with her, then all you are is out a whole lot of money.

We maxed out all of our credit cards, and we just found out that BPDex is now trying to sue us to get her attorney fees covered as well.  |iiii 

Money slated for our retirement (inheritance and a small land sale). 

I would take $ out of retirement if needed.   not there yet.   also L recommended avoiding a GAL for a CE.   and hoping my case is such a slam dunk that I do not need to spend much $, maybe I am naive

My L also suggested avoiding a GAL. She thinks the field is too uneven, too many losers getting involved in big decisions. The training is uneven, and the burn-out is high, which leads to cynicism, and then not caring... .that was her take anyway. She advocated much harder for a PC, but not a court-appointed one.

My only issue will be CS, since I make over twice what my pwBPDex does. Still awaiting the legal documents to be drawn up (she doesn't know I started this... .thinks we can do it verbally, but I need us to sign off on something before she moves out and things get unstable for her).

If she agrees... .and this is strictly guideline for our state, I will be left with only a few hundred a month to live on and for the kids, after the mortgage, CS and my half of the child care. I have no idea at this point how I am going to do it, though I should be all right until some time after US tax time. Though the ex cost me a significant portion of our savings due to letting me buy an expensive SUV (for her) shortly before she told me it was over and then I found out about the affair a few months ago, I have always lived below my means. No debt except for the mortgage. But cash severely depleted. I'm tossing around the idea of cashing out around 1/3 of my retirement, at a tax loss, paying down my mortgage principal by a significant amount, then doing a re-fi. I was on track to retire with a million in there (in today's dollars) in 25-30 years, but that will remain a pipe dream. I figure I could save about $1K/mo if I did cashed some out, which would be ok. At this point, my retirement plans have gone *poof* due to her BPD tantrum and the end of our relationship. I need to be mindful of the NOW and the short term future for me and our kids,

Inheritance from my mother and a loan from my father.

S2bxw (dOCD+uBPD) took 55k out of a joint account, hired 2 Ls 1 PI and expected me to pay for their services.  Going to court in 3 weeks then a trial 2 weeks after

This is all such a waste of money that could have gone to so many better things.

If I run up a huge credit card debt, can I transfer the balance to a different card in a year, a card that allows me to go another year without paying it off?  Is that legal?

Yes it's legal. Every time you open a new credit card, it does ding your credit rating tho. In fact, it's probably a good idea to check your FICO score at some point -- that's the three digit number that banks and mortgage companies use to assess whether you're a credit risk. It can cost $40 or so to check your FICO with two credit reporting agencies (there are three). Then another small amount to check the third one -- Experian, I think it is. The other two are TransUnion and Equifax, I believe.

FICO is based on an algorithm that measures things like paying down debt on time, debt to credit ratio, length of time you've had credit, etc.

If you lower your credit score too much, it will affect the kinds of interest rate on loans you might apply for in the future.

But if you have a high credit score now and pay your bills on time, every time, opening one new credit card each year for a year or so won't hurt too much.