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Question for people. How long before it started to hurt less thinking about the ex?

I had been doing okay for a month or two but October is a loaded month of reminders, and I had a horrible weekend with a so called friend telling me they choose her side, believed that not only were they "right" but so was my ex in leaving me and I was the crazy one. So that felt traumatizing all over again. Either way though it has been rough recently. I have cried more this month than in many months. It will be a year in Nov. since the final "I want a divorce" statement with not much looking back from her.

I thought it was getting easier, but with the holidays coming up and a 3 year old starting to become aware of things it feels more painful than it has in a long time. Is this normal? I suppose it is good there are some good times in between the bad now.

Also, any tips on what helped when it did hurt so damn bad?

Hi thisyoungdad 

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down... .I wish I had a magic solution for you, something that just made all the pain go away... .What I can tell you is that feeling the pain that you are feeling is normal... .it is healthy.  You are grieving the loss of your wife and your family as you knew it.  HEALTHY people do this... .so do not believe your former "friend" when they say you are the crazy one.  Healthy people do not run off into the night away from a relationship without much looking back.  My only advice to you (because I do not have a child, I can't really offer advice or perspective on that front) is to try and embrace the pain... .really feel it out.  pwBPD do their damndest to run around and try and avoid the pain in their lives... .and you know what? They are always running.  The pain chases them.  The only way to truly get the pain to go away is to combat it head on, to stop running and to really feel it... .to survive it. 

I wish you peace and strength

I feel for your loss.  I wish there was something magic I could tell you that you could do that would help, but really there isn't.  You have to move through it, reflect on your past, imagine what you want in your future... .and do everything you can to live your life on YOUR terms.    In the meantime take the best care of your child that you can and love them every opportunity you get.    If you need to you can see a therapist, there's nothing wrong with it if you think it may help. 

Thanks for that insight. You brought up an interesting point I had not considered. The past 2 months I have turned into a workaholic. We share custody 50/50 so when I have not had my daughter I have been working. I don't drink, smoke or have random sex so I have been working. This past weekend was the first time since maybe early August I have taken more than half a day off... .I took 2 whole days off. And in that time the pain has been the worst. I suppose that I have been trying to numb some of it through working and staying distracted all the time, to an extreme and so I took the 2 days off because I was burning out and only sleeping an average of 5-6 hours a night. I could not sustain it that way anymore.

Yet in those 2 days instead of enjoying my time off I was so depressed and feeling all kinds of crappy things I didn't want to feel. It didn't occur to me I had been running from the feelings, or that they were not going away just because I was busy I was just hiding them and I guess hoping when I stopped working so much they would be gone and over with. Now that i see this I guess why prolong the suffering... .

I have been seeing a therapist through the whole past year and I actually just moved my appointment up to this Wednesday from next week. I have no shame in needing to see him, it has saved my life more than I can even put words to. I am grateful for that.

thisyoungdad,

I SO feel you.  You sound very similar to me.  I more recently have been feeling sad, after doing exceptionally well (barely shed a tear the day I went to finalize the divorce.)  I have been distracting myself a lot too I think.  I don't do the partying/drinking/random sex thing either - so I usually work a lot.  I am probably more isolated than others, which I don't know if it's a good thing entirely but I've always kind of been that way.  Since walking away from our business and handing it over to him to finalize all this without World War III, I have taken some time off for traveling (more on that in a minute) before making the decision to go full force with my other company (that I had before him).

Here's how it went for me:  Got so crazy and even physical (my exh was borderline psychotic at the very end) the last few months we were living together that I was on edge and couldn't wait to get away from him it was so terrible. 

He told me he wanted the divorce (yet again) on 12-8-12 after things seemed to be going better than they EVER had in our 5 year relationship just before that.  We still lived together until Feb when he got physical with me and scared me to the point where I could not stay in the house.  Then the next 5 to 6 months was me trying to hold everything together while working with him in the business and trying to figure out the divorce in a way that we would both survive all the while terrified of what he would do (would he burn down our house that was paid for, sell off assets and blow the money, etc.)  I was so busy and things were so chaotic, terrible and overwhelming that I was RELIEVED to get away from him.

Then July I finished drafting all the paperwork for the final decree as well as the marital agreement and we both signed so I was able to step away from the business even though we hadn't actually gone down to finalize it with the court.  I went out of town for a few weeks immediately after that traveling around.  I was so distracted that I didn’t feel any pain at all emotionally.  Just relief as it was a NIGHTMARE trying to deal with him daily – he was barely functioning and going nuts on a regular basis.  I also found out MANY lies that I had no clue about during this time so that anger also helped fuel me.

I waited until August to go down and finalize the divorce.  So I come back into town and go to the hearing.  I was a LITTLE upset driving to the court house, cried (barely) and then teared up in court a little when the judge asked me whether there were any children of the marriage.  (There weren’t but I raised his daughter who just turned 18 like my own the last 5 years and that broke my heart.)  Anyway – within about 1 ½ - 2 weeks after that I went down to Miami Beach for a month and then the Keys.  I had friends & family come off and on to visit and vacation down there with me, so wasn’t alone the whole time and was busy – and distracted.

Up until this last month he was also texting me all these “nice” messages about things when he really didn’t have to.  (Once I signed the divorce papers – giving him what he wanted – he did a 180 and all the sudden had nice things to say and blah blah blah.)  I think that also validated me because I think he was hurting in some way, so it made me feel better.

HOWEVER – while I was in Florida, I had a two week period where I would be there alone and that was also the time when he stopped sending me texts over minor things that would still give me validation – and I realized all the sudden I was feeling sad.  And the crying started.  And even now feeling that way some.

I think with all the dynamics before, even though I had a lot of time to prepare for it I was:

1) So busy trying to keep my head above water and get out in one piece with all his crazy threats & still having to deal with him on a daily basis with the business that I was in survival mode.   THEN

2) Was so busy and distracted with traveling and also initially relieved to get away from the terror THEN

3) Once I was finally alone and still, stopped getting validation AND (here is a key point I think) all was final with the divorce I started to go through the final grieving stage – which I think I am in now.

In the earlier stages, even though I had distance from him physically and knew with all that had happened I needed to divorce him and prepare for it, and WAS preparing for it literally as I drafted all the divorce paperwork myself – there is still a part deep inside I think where it isn’t real yet.  It isn’t FINAL yet – like there is still some hope, it ain’t over til it’s over, feeling.  I don’t think you hit that final stage until it IS over and that is your reality.

One of the fears that tried to come up in me was – Oh no, I was doing so well, and here after all this time I am starting to feel this way?  Worrying it was going to go into some serious downward spiral or take forever to get over it because it had already been so long.

Then I realized that is not reality at all.  It is simply the dynamic of going through the stages and there is some grieving when it’s all over, and you realize: (well, for me)

He is my EXhusband.

I don’t ever have to talk to him again and shouldn’t.  (You won’t have this fully bc of your daughter.)

He’s going to now be totally free to hook up with some other woman and introduce her to my stepd. (URG! REALLY hard one.)

It’s over.

There is no more hope.

Hurts – but that is expected.  No need to be afraid of the pain, it’s normal for what’s happening and we will get through it.  Sorry post is so long – you are not alone.  I think what you are going through is totally normal.

to the original poster--it's a terrible thing finding out that someone believes the lies your ex is selling and finding this out. even a year after our r/s this was a big trigger for me once i started hearing from a couple friends what she had told them. in fact i think over the course of about 6 months or so it took its tole on me as i had to wait and see friends to find out what lies she may have been saying. so i think i was dealing with the insecurities from feeling she was trying to turn my friends and neighbors against me (also i had a fear that she was trying to have sex with some of them, now i just don't want to know  :)).

i could be good for a while and then all the sudden be pretty bad for several days. it could take out a whole weekend for me easy. it is absolutely true that you will feel better over time, but it's not a linear process at all. i think it's more normal to kind of go in cycles--just know that you will start to cycle back into feeling better also.

you know one thing i noticed is that i would have these little windows of feeling really good--i could look on the situation with compassion, i felt ok about where i was, had forgiveness with the ex, the whole nine. but this would only last for a few moments initially. over time these moments would turn into short but blissful minutes. and later this grew and grew. now i'm at the point where i would say sometimes i get a little "depressed", where i can put that word in quotes. it's funny because now i feel like i have a trickier job, because i can notice patterns in my behavior like staying in a lot, maybe not eating as healthy, but i don't really feel depressed... .actually i'm pretty happy. but still i have to stay aware now since i'm healing emotionally i don't want to be less vigilant just because the emotions are fainter... i still have work to do.

the smallest amount of time i would measure progress is at least several months. and i would measure significant milestones more annually. for me it was comforting to say--this bad feeling may be around for a while but i know i'm strong enough to survive it, even if it takes years. you'll feel better, then you'll feel crappy again... .but slowly more happy and less crappy. try and remember those little moments of genuine happiness that occur, even if it's only for 30 seconds, and promise yourself while you are there that you know and trust that this feeling will return, even if it does get worse for a while. hope this helps!

also to Lady31, thanks for sharing!

I had the same realization youngdad.  Workaholism is one of the isms, something we can use to numb and avoid pain, not as blatant as alcohol and drugs, it even seems like we're doing the right thing, and can feel like it too.

Lately I've been focusing on spending time not doing anything, just being, not doing, and it is very difficult.  Feelings come up and what to do?  Nothing.  Just feel them.  I'm getting better at it with practice, and the only way out is through, but it is tough.  And it feels right.  Hang in there.

hi thisyoungdad. i'm so sorry to read about your situation. i'm only four months into my hell and i want the pain to stop NOW but it won't. when it gets too much i retreat to prayer or clonazepam, depending on the kind of pain. i don't know if either of those is your cup of tea.

on this issue:


i bumped an old thread and some others have posted about this feeling so you might like to have a read:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=178324.0