BPDFamily.com

I was having one of my doubtful mornings ... thinking maybe I should have tried harder... .so I went over to the "staying" section for a bit... .and was reminded, in visceral detail, what I had been living with for the past five years.  Wow! All of it was SO familiar -- the emotions, the fear, the no-win situations, trying harder and harder only to fail even more grievously, the periods of hearbreak so profound I wanted to die... .  So, so glad I finally ended that nightmare.   My heart breaks for all of us who try so hard to love people with this disorder, and also for the people trapped in a head full of so much chaos (the sufferers of the disorder).

I tried... .

To read... .

The accounts... .

On there.

After reading a few... .

I had to put my phone down.

I saw... .

Myself... .

Reflected... .

On there... .

Back in the relationship... .

Back... .

When I had to watch... .

Everything I said... .

When I would track... .

Her online activity... .

Which would only... .

Drive me crazy.

When I knew... .

Months prior... .

That she was going to leave... .

Inevitably.

In BPD fashion.

I felt... .

All the pain... .

On there... .

Vivid... .

And real.

My heart broke.

I cannot endure... .

Anymore of that.

2 rounds of idealization... .

2 rounds of devaluation... .

2 discards... .

Where she left me... .

Both times.

I hear you Ironmanfalls, I could not read that either, totally triggered me!

I really like the progress I see in your posts, it gives me power too.  I say if I can see Ironman heal, then there is hope for my healing as well.  You went through a lot. Hell on earth as they say.

Tonight I met a friend of mine. I never knew the reason she got a divorce after 7 years. Tonite she told me it was because she realized he was BPD.  She said he made life so awful for her that when she heard the garage door open, and his car pull into the house, her eye would twitch uncontrollably.

My eye twitched while I was with my BPDex, Ironman.  It does not twitch anymore  :)

Rags, it is normal the thoughts you go through.  But your ex had an illness. It is called BPD.  It is very serious and cannot be fixed. She will only get worse.  Be glad you are free now.  Live your life, it can be beautiful.

Hey rags - thanks for mentioning this.  I haven't been to the staying board since I found this site a couple years ago.  I might do that from time to time just to reinforce how necessary and good the decision has been to cut ties, and go forward.

Hope... .

Thank you.

You are progressing too.

You had the courage... .

To leave your ex... .

Something i couldnt find... .

Within me.

That is a strength... .

Within you... .

That you were able... .

To stand up... .

For yourself... .

In that regards.

I commend you for that.

You met a fellow non... .

In essence... .?

That was her and your bodies... .

Way of... .

Saying... .

That person... .

Is not good for us.

Eerie... .

But placed in the context... .

Makes sense.

Keep healing friend.

Hey R&F, That was a good reality check -- visiting the Staying Board.  I slowly migrated from Staying, to Undecided, to Leaving so it's all part of the process.  Suggest that you not second-guess yourself.  You could have put a ton more time and effort into the bottomless pit (I did) and still would likely have wound up in the same place.  Think you are on the right path so keep moving forward!  Lucky Jim