BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I know how helpful it was for me to read about "success stories" when the break-up was raw and new, so i thought I'd share how things are for me now, and what has worked.

Everyone here told me that no contact was the way to go - and I support that 100%!  No matter how much healing I do on my own, how strong I'm getting, contact with my uBPDex stirs up anxiety and all the old patterns, and is not good for me.  I have been doing so well without contact!  He doesn't like it - and he's told me that me wanting NC means that I'm broken and that I have to heal.  Conversely, I believe it's a sign that I've finally healed enough!

I used these boards A LOT - there is so much wisdom here to help you sort through the craziness of BPD.

I used the book "Love Without Hurt" by Steven Stosny- it is soo amazing and helpful to anyone in any sort of abusive r/s.  It can be used by both people, or just one.  It has been life-changing for me, and I continue to use the strategies listed to help my healing.  Here's a link:  www.compassionpower.com/index.php

Finally, I found an absolutely amazing therapist who helped me the most by being the most empathetic and validating person I have ever encountered.  He was expensive, so I didn't go often, but he was so good that I still feel the effects of his validation months after our last appointment.

Being on my own means coming face to face with all my issues - which I thought would be really, really scary.  And it has been at times - but once I accepted that I'm finally going to feel the feelings that I've been avoiding for a LONG time, it got a bit easier, with support and many tears.  Here is some of what *I've* had to process, and continue to process:

I had to grieve the loss of the dreams of what I believed we would be, and really dig into why I allowed myself to stay in a r/s that was clearly not healthy for either one of us for over 6 years.  I have had to grieve the loss of my first husband, who cheated on me and left after 14 years together and 3 kids.  I have gotten in touch with my anger about this affair, and my deep, deep sense of loneliness.  Loneliess is an ongoing issue for me, and is the primary reason I stayed in the BPD r/s.  I was SOO afraid of being on my own, and believing that I was therefore so broken no one would ever love me.  I still wrestle with this.  I have, however, made a commitment to myself to not even seek out another r/s until I feel fairly sure I've healed enough to be whole on my own.  Whatever that means!  I am actively ensuring that I don't give out the wrong messages to men - I don't spend time alone with them, or accept rides, or do anything that can be misconstrued.  I joined ":)ivorcecare" through my local church, where I'm finally meeting other people whose spouses cheated and left as my first husband did, as well as another member whose ex-husband is uBPD (I referred her here!).  I've found that I can pick out BPD signs and signals a mile away! 

Moving forward, I am really nervous about starting up another r/s and possibly stumbling onto another BPD person.  As I said though, I am at peace with being on my own for now, with the goal of healing, using my church, friends, and whatever else I can think of to heal.  And really working on developing trust in myself and my feelings, which I have ignored for way too long.  I hope this helps someone out there - if you're newly broken up from your ex-BPD, then hang in there and keep up the NC to keep the craziness away.

You know what I appreciate about this post? It's all about you, not him. I find myself posting on these boards snapshots of my life when I was with my uBPDex and it's all rehash of what he did to me, why doesn't he love me, why did he do whatever... .Those posts can be productive, but every now and then I need to indulge in more positive thoughts about me and my future.

I am four months broken up with my ex and three months NC. I had a grieving relapse last week and was an emotional mess, but I managed to stay NC. Every week I think about breaking it, but I know better not to. I don't even look him up online to check up on him. I have had to cut him out completely.

I am also seeing a therapist and we are now getting into some territory that needs exploring. I too struggle with loneliness and I know it is one of the reasons I held on to my the dysfunctional r/s with the ex. I also am working to develop trust in myself and feelings that I have either denied or ignored for too long. I have conflicting attachment/abandonment issues I need to face; they do not manifest in the dramatic BPD way, but fearing attachment and abandonment has caused me to get involved with the wrong people and stay in the wrong relationships too long. 

Thank you for your update.

Very inspiring post, thank you. It helps SO much to hear from people who have survived this. Everyone does, just takes some time, patience, and self reflection.

Every day I get one step closer to freedom from the pain. Yes, some days are hard, and yes I think of her every day. But I also think of what a close call that was.  What if I got married? What if we had kids? What if I got some crazy illness from all the stress.

Thank God I got out of that mess.  And I am so blessed to have you my faceless, but dear, friends on this forum.

Peas - thanks for your feedback!  Your comment about the post being all about me got me thinking - and I think *that's* the big advantage of NC - we NON's can finally start to focus on ourselves.  All the craziness and unfair treatment is a *huge* distraction from our own issues, because we're constantly defending ourselves, putting out fires, figuring out our next step, trying to figure out what they're up to - it alone can be addictive, I think.  Once I was NC, there was nothing left but me, and if I started to feel a certain way but he wasn't around me manipulating, stonewalling, or over-the-top in love with me - I had to figure out why I was feeling that way.  Thanks for commenting and getting me thinking about it!

Hopealways - I am grateful every day that we didn't have kids together - and I love the kids I have dearly (from my first marriage) and would happily have had more!  It would be a nightmare trying to negotiate with him.  We still have a house together, which is nightmare enough trying to untangle ourselves from this.  Sometimes he's very sweet about it, and then other times he's passive aggressive and mean.  At the divorce group I'm in, I spotted that someone with kids had a BPDex right away from clips of stories she was sharing about her nightmares over custody battles for her children, and the lengths that he's going to to defame her and get sole custody himself, when he doesn't really enjoy spending that much time with the kids. 

The other big thing I've done is ensure that I feel whatever feelings come up, as they come up.  This is tricky but probably the single-most useful tip I've found to start to get to know what is truly real for me out of all of this, so I can figure out who I am and what I want moving forward.

Keep going - the peace that will come eventually, once the pain starts to fade, is so worth it, and you will get there 

H4E