BPDFamily.com

I have a question.

Is anyone in a new healthy relationship still on this forum?

What I am asking is: are you still ruminating about your past relationship even in your new healthy relationship?

I kind of am. I say kind of because we are just now getting the ball rolling. We do nice things together, getting to know each other. He has expressed a desire to take the relationship to the next level. I am taking my time. So we go to dinner, go horse back riding, talk regularly on the phone. Pacing the relationship keeps me safe. And he (new guy) is cool with that. Don't know were it will lead. But it feels so refreshing not to have all the drama.

Well Ive been in a healthy relationship for a little bit.    Its a nice change from what Im used to. 

I think at the beginning I was ruminating a little but I had already reached a good point with my own healing so all it took was the realization of my feelings for this new person to make me be completely over the BPDex... I guess it was the final nudge I needed.

Theres no hard and fast rule that says you need to be 100% over your ex before starting something with a new person.  But Id recommend being at least 95% over them because you don't want to hurt that new person and overestimate your ability to enter into a new relationship.

But yes.  I still like to post on these boards still because I think all of our experiences can help one another and its a nice gauge to see where we are all at in our own healing.   any helpful advice I can offer to someone who is still stuck in the pain and hurt makes me happy.  Because others advice has truly helped me understand and let go as well.

Additionally, its great to hear success stories because it gives us all hope that they haven't broken us completely for life and we do move on to happy healthy relationship and we can love again and get over them. 

 I feel like I'm making tremendous progres going through my stages o going through my stages of grief because of your kind words.

Thank you,  we all have gifts to give each other on these boards.  I promise you will get to a place of indifference.  The journey is what matters. Pay attention to your feelings and what comes up. 

You will get there.  And much faster than you think.    Finding this board has put you on the fast track to gaining clarity and healing.

I am so proud of you all for being so mature in your approach to the new relationship. It shows you are really respecting yourselves as well as the new potential partner.  What a SHARP contrast to how the BPD approaches new relationships, isn't it? Love you all.

I'm not in a new relationship, nor am I looking - but the last few nights I have dreamt of holding hands or kissing various nice men I know (none of whom I'm aware of being attracted to when I'm awake!)

So I guess my subconscious is just letting me know that it realises that there are men out there who are nice.

It's more progress, I think :)

I'm in three new relationships:

I met a great guy. He's funny, tall, handsome, loving, kind, giving, generous, sweet, has integrity, and is emotionally available. He's an artist, a writer, and he loves sports and movies and spiritual conversations like me! I really like his personality, his quirks, and he's great with intimacy. He doesn't cook; bummer. But he's wonderful.

I had none of this with my disordered ex.

My other relationship is with God. God is the only one I"ll ever put on a pedestal and worship ever again. And I can't even believe I wrote that because I was pissed at God for over a decade.

But my rule is now if I have to take care of it, nurture it, feed it, clothe it, baby it... then I won't worship it and give it adulation. We make our ex's big and God small and that causes a multitude of problems.

This is a most valuable lesson learned when it comes to the pedestal we put our ex's on.

My third relationship (but not least important) is with me. I have fallen in love with me and I now love myself. I have vowed to never tolerate abuse: self abuse and abuse from others. I've ended a lot of unhealthy friendships. I even confronted my parents. At times I felt lonely but I knew I had to turn my life around. I will never be perfect and I get that now. Accepting the fullness of who I am is daily practice but I'm the happiest with myself I've ever been. The guy I'm seeing now could never make me feel this way. This is the reward of the work I've done on myself.

Do I ruminate? No. But I'm also 2 and a 1/2 years out of a 10 month ordeal. I did therapy for about a year and a half total and I still see a therapist twice a month for tune ups.  I do have fleeting thoughts but nothing that stops me from moving forward in my dreams.  My BPDex tried to kill my soul and my dreams. Never again.

Spell

I am, too.  My SO is thoughtful, kind and extremely supportive.  Plus, she doesn't mind that I love to  tease her and laugh at my own jokes.  She lets me be me, and I encourage her to be herself.

I almost destroyed myself in a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW.  Never again, as Spell says.  I'm still working my way through the ruins of my life and picking up the pieces, so-to-speak.  I have some major financial, emotional and physical issues, yet I welcome those challenges after nearly drowning in a BPD marriage.

No, I don't ruminate, either, and tell my mind to "cancel" if I start going off in that direction, which serves no useful purpose now that I am back on my path and movin' forward.

I echo Olioliox.  I hang around these Boards because it feels good to help others who may be in an earlier phase of a BPD r/s and I like to share in order to defuse the effects of the BPD ordeal.  I guess I also like to let other people know that they are not alone in their struggle with a pwBPD.

Lucky Jim

Very profound post BPDspell.

I realized that I was sacrificing some of my values and practices for him. I felt guilty for that. I used to regularly go to church and he would go with me in the beginning but then said he didn't like it. Which is fine, his choice but I slowly started to go less and less too. I love your statement in purple.

If you start to sacrifice important things in your life the relationship isn't working. Period!

These are all fabulous posts, and I appreciated reading them! It gives a person a lot of hope and a sense of well being. I don't have a SO in my life yet since I stopped dating after only meeting dysfunctional men.

I know that I have to work on me before I ever date again. 

BPDspell, you have inspired me greatly with your words.

Lucky Jim, thanks for the reminder to "tell my mind to "cancel" if I start ruminating".

Yes, I laugh now. While I am not ready for anything serious, I feel emotionally supported. I am not having to give all the time. I know have someone who gives to me.