BPDFamily.com

Okay, I have been back and forth with this guy.  He sent me all of these nasty text AGAIN.  Claiming I was fake because I dye my hair.  Whatever.   Anyway, he came over last week to talk.  I had the sci fi channel on watching scary movies.  He says go ahead and watch it.  i say, no you wanted to talk and put it on mute.  For 25 minutes he stared at the mute tv and said nothing.  Then I just turned the sound on.  Anyway,  in the slew of text that he sent me he says how awful I am cause I kept the TV on and I am a fake and a liar and never cared and its really sad how I am in denial.  So this is what i sent to him.  I don't know why I bother.  Its like punching the wind.   

"U are the master at trying to convice others that they are messed up You are good.  It must be a lonely life that the only contact you have with others is by trying to get them to engage by telling them all of your negative, angry thoughts, partial facts, or just plain stories you feel are what you feel they are.  None of your arguments get you anywhere but lonely and angry.  You are hurting, say you are hurting.  You don't like the TV on mute, say to turn it off.  But to act like its okay "Go ahead and watch your scary movies (name), and then throw it up later makes you what you say I am--a liar and a fake. Say at the time what you want instead of blaming others later for not meeting your expectations.  The world does not turn around you and never will." 

Then to add fuel to this blazing fire I said. "be careful your response doesn't sound like you keep score.  LOL" HE says I keep score.  Really. Me thinkith I am gonna get chewed out

I'm sorry you're in the middle of all the drama, and yes, you are adding fuel to that fire.  Of course in the mind of a borderline you wanting to watch scary movies instead of talk to him meant he wasn't important, you have seen his faults, you will now leave, he is feeling that abandonment already, and his world is ending, the emotions are too strong, and he has no idea how to cope.  And of course when he said go ahead and watch the movie he was testing to see what you'd do, if he really mattered, or he was so worthless a movie was more important; black and white.  You know this.  There is little hope for conflict resolution with a borderline, they just can't and won't go there, so time to make a decision; towering inferno or moving on and healing.

Well said.  Many of us have probably felt the impulse to communicate with our pwBPD in this fashion... .but it is at best futile and, at worst, asking for trouble.  Kinda like poking a hungry bear with a stick while wearing a suit of raw steaks.

Yes I know you are both right.  I told myself not to send it.  I prayed on it.  But I am telling you after those 30 text last night and then this morning the one that said "Fake"   I just did it.  Knowing all along I was just making it worse.   Sometimes I just am not always that darn nice.   You know.  I mean that text I sent to the 30 he sent me was like  love letter.   However, i find that it is getting a little easier to want out.   Dying my hair is an issue.  putting a skeleton decal on my car window was an issue.   I mean what is not an issue.  And the last three months I have been a reactor.  Which I hope helps me to end this soon since I don't usually do that. 

Someone has to be the adult, and it won't be him.

You may have been better off with this text... ."Its called BPD, Google it!"  Unfortunately it may have been followed up with a phone call from your local police claiming harassment 

Of course I am kidding, but that is what I did and I did receive a call from the police!

Have you decided to end it or are you in the process of deciding?

If you do want to end it, then not engaging or being as boring as possible is usually a good strategy. As you can see, when you don't contact him, he goes through what's called an "extinction burst" where his behavior initially gets worse. He is used to pushing certain buttons to get a certain response and when he didn't get it he started pushing them rapidly and furiously (all those texts). Eventually if there is always no response, then he will stop. If you respond once every hundred times it's like a slot machine in Vegas: even though it doesn't pay off very often, he may be playing for the times it does. This is very true of us too, when our pwBPD is occasionally carrying and loving, we keep playing in hopes of that intermittent reward again even though most of the time we are losing.

If you are unsure about working it out, there are more effective ways of communicating that are discussed on the Staying board. These can also be effective even if you are ending it but still need to work things out like living arrangements, children, pets, belongings, etcetera.

Do you really like this guy? Sometimes when I read the stories here it makes me wonder why we are staying or stayed as long as we did.

I did really like him.  I really did.  But the thing is everyone He doesn't like me.  I mean he just turns on a dime.  No warning.  You know what makes this so hard for me.  Is he seems to be able to hold his tongue at work, with his ex (now I suppose), with his children (now I suppose) with my family.  But me--even coloring my hair he makes seem dirty.   Here is what I think is really bad and I don't know if anyone can relate, but I keep him close and in contact cause I am kinda afraid.  I never really seen anyone on here say they hit them or destroyed their stuff.  Emotionally and reputation maybe.  But I am kinda scared.   When I don't hear from him is when I get really nervous and wonder what is going on.  Stalking, revenge plot.   I keep telling myself he is sick and to stay away but I get nervous when he is quiet too.  Oh man does that make any sense to anyone.

Oh drv3006, I'm sorry you're scared... .that is not a good feeling. 

Has he damaged property or physically hurt you in the past? Property damage is a red flag, it can often escalate into physical abuse/domestic violence. Even if these things haven't happened, just the fact that you're scared is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

What you say does make sense, I was hit early on in my relationship with my exBPDgf and let it slide. In hindsight, I wish that I hadn't. It is very important to protect yourself. If you are in any way worried about your personal safety, please read this link: Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf). Scroll down to page 5 to the heading "Resolving Abusive Relationships First".

Do you have support from friends and family that are close to you, drv3006?

Omg! I sent his exact text! Except I said " Its called BPD/NPD. Google it!  After a couple other texts after I found out he was cheating he did go to the police and they called me. To think they can inflict all this abuse on you and then run to the police like a baby over a some texts they deserve.

I think everything came pouring out of me in his last discard because I was always calm with him for the most part in the relationship. Never even called him a name or reciprocated his treatment. In fact I was the one to always smooth things over even when he just raged over something stupid.

Maybe I'm wrong but I actually think it has helped in my healing. It made me feel not like a doormat. He would have liked to just run away like before and not have any reprecussions to his actions. Wouldn't that be nice for him! Sometimes they just get what's coming to them. ( not even close). He didn't want me to say anything. Well I wasn't doing what he said anymore.

None of that has happened yet, but I think in his past relationship it kinda did.  Its just crazy.   And I know it sounds dumb but I'd rather see crazy coming then suddenly sneak up on me when I am feeling alright.   The other thing is I think I have become desensitised with his disease.  I used to be able to be niced , but it just seems latley my breathing is a problem for him.  I told him a couple of times I was afraid of him and he yells that I am acting like his ex wife

I hope this happens for me.  I constantly feel like a doormat with this dude

drv3006,

It seems like at the very least he is dysregulated and devaluing you right now.  At the worst, he could very well be a pwBPD who is also emotionally abusive and you are in a cycle of abuse with him.

If it is the latter you really are doing this:


by having this kind of emotionally charged back and forth communication with him. If he is devaluing you, he will be fixed in his ideations no matter what you say to him until he regulates a little and starts to need you again for soothing emptiness, lonliness, or guilt/shame for being a butthead.

It seems that you feel that it is an emotionally abusive relationship b/c you describe your fearful feelings and this is also concerning:


Do you have a supportive network around you?  If you do, do you tell them the things that concern you about his words or behavior towards you?  If not, tell it!  Bring it out into to the light.

Try to get some distance so the FOG can lift a little and you can start to feel more empowered about what you want to do in this situation.  If you communicate with hime, try to make it as boring and noninflamatory as possible.

Take care and keep us posted  :)

Wow, Iwalk, same thing with me. Only I didn't know about BPD when he and I were breaking up, but I told him during our last fight, which occurred over text because they are such cowards, that he had "a personality disorder" and everyone else sees it but him.

I blasted him with some truth. I didn't hold back and I am glad I didn't. Like you, I felt I regained some dignity during his discard of me. Throughout our r/s, when he would rage at me and call me names, say really hurtful stuff, I didn't spit the venom back. I kept a level head. But in the end, when he was just so ridiculous and causing so much pain, I gave it to him during our last text exchange. And how does he react? He texted back that I'm a "psycho" and that he called the cops and his lawyer about my "threats" and I would be hearing from them (he was bluffing). I texted back to shut up. Then he relented, said I was right, and to just stop contact. I said no problem. Those were our last words.

Good for you peas! Sometimes we have to fight fire with fire.

Sometimes there is a feeling that we should not say anything or we are engaging. But excuse me they engaged with us for how many years and then just want to have the last word and run out leaving us with no closure. I am not advocating some protracted back and forth but some angry words at what they have done is justified.

The last time he cut me off without a word for 10 months! It took me forever to heal. Did not know about BPD then but at that time all I did was write a couple of nice and carefully worded emails mainly just letting him know he hurt me and I was confused. He never bothered to really respond knowing I was suffering. Other mini breaks or silent treatments I would text him basically telling him how much I loved him and kind of begging him to talk to me. That only allowed him to come back when he felt like it knowing I was hooked and just play with me like a cat with an injured mouse.

This time I decided for my own protection so he never came back to facilitate his painting me black forever. I went out with a bang! Well not really but I did not roll over. I mean the idea these days that texting someone is a crime when all he had to do was block my number with a push of a button is ridiculous. I believe he enjoyed the attention. And when he went to the police with his big sister. (He is a 50 year old man who bullies women for god sake) I think that is disengenuous. He just wanted to punish me for speaking out and exposing him for what he did. He was adamant he didn't cheat and I was crazy. He never thought for a minute that I would ever find out or tell his family who supports him.

I seriously suspect that this last time was intended as a mini break for him to do what he wanted then he would return. I made sure that was not going to happen ever again!

In reading what I just wrote  I feel sorry for the next sob who tries to screw with me lol!  Ha ha. Makes me feel good. Finally!

WooHoo!  |iiii

Thanks! If this thing had audio I'd play the rocky song now!

Yeah, I definitely lost it at the end. I was just as crazy as she was. I am not proud of how I acted but at least I know she won't call  :) 

Exactly!

|iiii

Sometimes, you / I can get so tired of the bs. 


Soon, it should be over. Still feel lousy, but it's not like there is a hope in Hades it would ever improve.

drv -- it doesn't sound crazy to be afraid of the silence ... .I feel that way too.  I know that about the time I start to relax, and think maybe she really has moved on, I will get another communication from her.  I think that is half the reason we feel so drawn to contact *them* -- it's almost like we'd rather bring it on ourselves than live with the constant sense of never knowing what is coming around the next corner ... .or at least that seems to be my reason.

Also, I think a lot of us get driven to the brink of insanity ourselves when in the process of disengaging -- or at least it feels that way, when everything you say gets thrown back, twisted, warped, used against you, etc.  I know I felt really crazy myself during her most dysregulated periods. 

You aren't keeping score?


Dying your hair is an issue because he is afraid you will attract someone new. He must think your hair looks really nice actually. Fear of abandonment. It's the disorder.


drv this is your fear and you are inflaming it by telling yourself stories about what could happen. This makes perfect sense. However, you trigger him. You are using him to make yourself ok, do you see this? Instead of keeping him close to self sooth how can you better cope with your fears and sooth yourself on your own?

Suzn;. I know that i am keeping score.NOW. That's the thing. After over a year, these last three months I feel like I have become him. Which is why i am at the turning point. I don't want to be like him.  And you are right about feeding my needs keeping him around because i fear the unknown when he is gone.  and one more need that i seem to be wanting to feed is to just dish it out. He has more factual ammunition for me to use. Dying my hair is the best he's got. Okay. Can u tell i am angry. I no longer care if i trigger him  don't care that its a mental issue  i am now the byotch!  I have never met anyone who wants u to be their friend lover or support by being so hateful.  When i see all the men and woman on here that spend years and had families and share finances and homes  I am amazed  you all are really nice people.  I don't think mine could share a plant with me 

 




 

And u know what else i am so angry over. Five years of sobriety. I learned in many hard knocks without drinking that avoiding my problems thru others problems was not the way to go. And i was doing great and bam!  This guy walks in my life and i let all i learned go out the window. Now i don't need a refresher course to go back to being self centered but i was doing good with work family friends. And suddenly this guy comes in.  With all his worries and problems and starts slowly but surely telling me i don't work my program and i am a sh+tty sponsor and i am a fake. He could take any insecurity or story or life situations that didn't even relate to him and make me a monster. And i am over here trying to accept his disease because that is what i was learning acceptance. But he took every good think in my life and his and made it crap have i drank. He'll no!   Why can't i show mercy for him. I could but its gone now. And now i am him. Mean

I was extremely pissed at mine too, which is an appropriate response BTW.  Mine did the same thing yours did: take every single area of my life, many she knew nothing about, and start picking, picking, picking at it.  It could be looked at as a systematic attempt to detroy my self esteem and self confidence, but that's really giving her too much credit.  What it was was her flailing against her feelings of inadequacy by slamming me every chance she got, which also gave me a peek into how she was raised; she was hearing all that crap from her parents at a very young age.  Mean and sad.

Anyway, screw them, let's make it about us.  Anger is a normal and healthy response to abuse, just don't do anything you'll regret.  Beat the sht out of your pillow, do some intense workouts, scream, yell, just get it out.  That phase lasted about 6 months for me, fortunately I stayed out of jail, and eventually it waned, and I went to the next stage, depression.  Shtty, except for the relief from the anger.  And now I'm in acceptance, so there is light at the end of that tunnel.  Bright light; things are better than they've ever been, even before I met her.  Hang in there, and take care of you.

Fromheeltoheal. I love your logon by the way.  Yep that is what he did. He is already testing this morning about how he hopes i can learn how to be in a relationship. The hard part for me is that partial truth or fact that he twists somehow. Do you know i inherited a home from a fellow employee. I was shocked. He took that and said i prey on the elderly. I didn't even know about it. But because this woman's sister is suing me and she won't win since it was in the trust. He says i prey on old dying people. His mother is dying and says i am not around cause she has no money. Its awful. His reasoning. Why would a lady give me a house. I must be evil. Its just said. He is testing as i type this. Sigh!  Fromheeltoheal i believe u that this will get better

Yes it will, and you gotta stop the bleeding first.  When a borderline is dysregulated at the end of the relationship, there are no rules, and things can get very, very ugly.  And of course we can go to crazytown along with them.  I bit my lip and just left at the end, glad I did now, no regrets or guilt.  And if he is truly borderline he fears abandonment the most, so disappearing without a trace is actually the best revenge and will send them into a tizzy.  And if you stand your ground beforehand, they end up respecting you for it; you win, if you exit with grace.

insightful post, heeltoheal.


yes they can.

Feeling anger is a natural human response to a terrible wrong done to us and acknowledging that is a healthy part of healing. That is why it is recognized as one of the stages of grieving. If you repress and deny that you stay stuck and never heal. That is why you see bitter people for years. I believe one of the ways problems growing up surface is when we are taught that feeling angry is bad. It brings shame when there should be none. Of course we have to make distinctions between justified anger and unjustified and of course how we display it.

My ex raging at me because I didn't like a movie he did. Unjustified. He abusing me, lying cheating and discarding me without compassion. Justified. There is just no comparison. I don't care if we should have seen the red flags or not. We did not deserve that.

Also, mental illness or not they know very well what they are doing to us! They have maladaptive coping skills... .They are not insane.

I don't buy it. I think you care very much.  


And that just sucks! Doesn't it? Wouldn't it be great if things were different? You mention AA... .

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference."

dvr anger is a secondary emotion. Something else, another emotion, happens first and anger can be easy to go to, it's an emotion for protection. If stuck in anger, the emotion triggered first is never expressed or expelled. Generally, it's hurt/sadness. It hurts when we love someone and they hurt us. His disorder is based on fear and emotional immaturity/disregulation. It is a disorder. Would adjusting our expectations of someone with a disorder be possible?

Are you "lashing out" towards him because you wish things were different and that hurts? This would certainly make sense. He can't change without recognizing and accepting the disorder and you can't change him. You can however learn the communication skills necessary to improve the relationship if you want that. Plenty of members over on the Staying Board that can help you if that's what you chose. If not that's ok too, we will support you either way.

If you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. ~Dalai Lama

Hi DRV,

I am in "staying" but look in here sometimes.

What you said:


is amazing twisting... . Yep I have had that too. Just the other day I wanted to introduce my bf to my friend. I complimented my bf by saying "you are so handsome and lovely I just want to show you off"  Compliment right? All agreed? eh... .no... .He was dysregulated and turned it into "you just want to show off to your friend that you have a younger boyfriend. you just want to make yourself look better then her"... .Oh right... .that must be it then !

Telling though.  Everything my borderline ex did was self-serving, even when cloaked in faux-benevolence.  I don't fault her for that anymore; dealing with what goes on between her ears is a full time job and there's nothing for me there, illusions to the contrary.

So he was accusing you of what he might do all the time?  Maybe his compliments to you are smoke screens to conceal his self-serving motives?

HeeltoHeal - Yep you could be right there - dysregulation with me can be forgotten if his friends come over - then he is nice as pie in front of them. Back to dysregulation when they are gone. There are a lot of self serving behaviours present in this disorder. Being seen as the nice guy is very important.

Yes, because the disorder is shame-based, a borderline is ashamed of who they really are, so they create a mask, a facade, to present to others, except those who are 'lucky' enough to be invited inside the fortress.  

We all do that to one degree or another though, that behavior is not exclusive to borderline pathology by any stretch.  I've done it plenty myself, and creating a facade of who I want to be perceived as is also building my own walls, and banishing myself to solitary confinement.  And the truth is the walls are transparent anyway; those paying enough attention see who we really are.

Lately I've been focusing on vulnerability, how when we see other people express vulnerability we consider it courageous, but when we express it ourselves we consider it weakness.  Well fck that, it is courageous, and more importantly, that is where true connection and belonging are found, what humans are hardwired for, when we let down the walls, abolish the facade, and show up as who we really are, to those who have earned the right with their respect and our trust of them of course.  That's where Life happens and it's what is real.

Connect.  If being seen as the nice guy is so important than why so not nice to us.  When he met my family that thought he was wonderful. Oh drv is so cleaned up now she don't drink and finally has a nice guy. I was nuts inside cause secretly i knew he was not nice. And when i drank i had all kinds of winners. I just couldn't watch him snowblow them over. Oh by the way. Go Cardinals. Midwest gal here

go cardinals. new yorker here.