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My boss called me at home yesterday upset. I work in a tiny office with a handful of other people. My boss told me that my coworker had been contacted by my ex on a dating site. They'd emailed back and forth and then he asked her on a date and said, "By the way, you work with my ex-fiancee. I hope that's okay and it doesn't hinder you from dating me". My coworker did not recognize my ex from meeting him at a work event I brought him to a year ago, but he remembered her. When she realized it was my ex, she called my boss, very upset. My boss called me to tell me about it. Then my coworker called me to tell me, and then she blocked him online. I don't need this drama in my life.

I emailed him and told him to stay the hell away from anything/anyone in my life. He wrote back and swore that he had no idea she was my coworker--which is in direct contradiction to his email that she read out loud to me, where he said that he knows she's my coworker but he wants to date her anyway.

I don't get this. HE dumped ME. Why is he doing this? We live in a big area, there are thousands of single women for him to date. I feel sick and violated.

I'm sorry you had to go through this but this is typical BPD behavior.   My exwBPD set up a date with one of the guys I shoot pool with 2 days before she moved out of our house.  She then proceeded to get him hooked for a couple of months and do "things" with him, in public at places I go and around people that I know, knowing full well it would get back to me and it would hurt me.

Some get upset when we refer to them as evil but I say, "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a damn duck".

I applaud your handling of this situation and how your coworker handled it.  It had the potential to become much worse.

Wow, I can't believe this has happened to you, too, imstrong. The thing that makes no sense is, if the BPD dumps us, why do they want to stay connected to our lives in any way afterward? He dumped me because he said I didn't make him feel loved or secure enough. If that's the case, why does he want to linger on in my life? Or hurt me? I didn't dump him!

I just want him to move on and forget about me. Getting involved with him was the biggest mistake of my life. I'd just gotten to the point after three months post break-up where I was no longer mad or particularly sad. I had stopped crying and was feeling optimistic about the rest of my life. And then... .this drama. It's AWFUL. I thought he was out of my life and then come to find out he was secretly trying to infiltrate my work life. Pathetic, and very, very disturbing.

They love to triangulate.  They have no boundaries.  It's difficult to say why he did this, only he knows.  Since he felt insecure during his relationship with you, maybe he's acting out to make you feel insecure, to punish you. Or perhaps he wanted a reaction from you.  What a way to communicate to you that he is dating and on the prowl.  Sick, isn't it?  If he's considering a recycle., he may have been fishing to see how you would respond. 

Sounds like you have a solid groups of people at work.  That's great.

Part of the disorder is lack of boundaries and not recognizing "social norms".  It could be he's looking for attention or a way to incite some jealousy in a seriously screwed up way but it is a mental illness and normal isn't really going to an option.

Can you reframe this event for yourself so it takes his effect out of it?  Like in these are the antics of a mentally ill person and look how great my friends are?

 

It's also one of the older gambits in the book. How many times have you seen it played out? Try to make the other jealous and fear losing the partner to another? It's silly and it's pretty commonly played by those who are insecure.


He got the reaction out of you that he was looking for.

He can date whomever he wants and is willing to date him. You cannot control that nor should you try to. It will only hurt you.

I'd be delighted if my ex started dating someone else and forgot all about me. I have no desire to ever see him again! I don't know why he'd want to make me jealous--I guess he thinks that, like during all the past recycles, I longed for him and wanted him back. I'd rather have dental surgery now that see him again.

I don't think my coworker will date him, as she knows that he physically abused me, is an alcoholic, is a convicted criminal, and a host of other terrible things about him.

I informed him of this, as well as the fact that our boss was quite upset that he was stirring up drama in our very small work place, and that he is advised to stay away. My ex is chicken and I doubt he'll be trying to date my coworker after we exposed him. My entire office would shun him completely if he ever dated my coworker and showed up at any work events, and my boss said she would have him removed from the premises.

What blows my mind is that he thought that I never told my boss and coworkers about his abuse, and that he did not realize I have fiercely loyal friends, family and coworkers. He was so abusive to me that I became a shadow of my former self, so he thinks that I'm helpless and have no social support. In reality, I have a veritiable army standing behind me.

I told him that I'm not upset at all that he's dating, that he should try to forget about me and move on--and that lingering in my life by trying to date my coworker shows that he isn't moving on from our relationship. In essence, I exposed his continued involvement in my life despite the fact that he'd deny he's trying to hold on.

I'm realizing that I'm the strong one. I'm getting my self back. I'm so glad that I am shedding his blame and shame and finally having the FOG clear. It feels so good that I wish I could sprinkle magical FOG-clearing dust on all of use BPD victims so we could instantly walk away from this abuse and be happy again.

In bold:  Yes, that's exactly what he thought.  But ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks.  All that matters is that you move forward in your life, and heal from this experience. 

In bold:  Yes, they like to believe that they are the center of your world, so of course they can't face the truth that you have friends!  He was supposed to be your only friend, and your life was supposed to crumble when the r/s ended.  But it hasn't!  How dare you have friends and a life without him!  My ex was the same way.  He was a master at divide and conquer, isolating me from my friends.  Imagine his surprise when I called in the troops to assist me in leaving him. 

They want a reaction from you. That is all it is. He knew you find out and that you would be upset and bring it up to him. It's like some game. You would think that if they were the ones who ended the relationship that they would just walk away. They wouldn't add additional pain or suffering to the other person. You think that bc you are a rational human being. But you aren't dealing with a rational person.  I believe this is why it is so rough to get over when it ends. You think back and logically try and understand what happened. But none of it really makes sense.

When I was going through the divorce my lawyer gave me the best piece of advice for dealing with this. He said "we can't control what other people do, only what we do."  When he is no longer able to upset you. When he can no longer push your buttons. When he can no longer get a reaction from you, HE WILL STOP. It will get bad. He will escalate bc it will freak him out that he isn't getting that response he is looking for, but eventually it will stop.

Don't give him the satisfaction, he isn't worth it.

In bold.

To hurt you.

To hurt you... .

Where it would... .

Hurt the most.

I am sorry that you have to come across that.

That is BPD... .

Unfortunately.

Hell on earth.

Hang in there.