BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I stumbled upon this website after the revelation that my 34-year-old younger brother almost certainly has undiagnosed BPD. There have been many, many episodes of violence, manipulation and threats of suicide over the last 10-12 years. Though we had a fairly normal upbringing (from my perspective anyway) my childhood memories of my brother are filled with violence, anger and bullying towards me. As an adult, the physical violence has subsided and it’s now more emotional bullying, though I think if my husband weren’t around that would be different.

I don’t know what it’s like not to have to walk on eggshells around my brother, or worry that he might be violent towards me, or even worse, threaten to (or actually) kill himself. Despite a lifetime of bullying he has always found a way to twist things around to make it seem like somehow his behavior is my fault. And then I am the villain and made to feel guilty. After a recent episode I came to the sad conclusion that I might have to cut him out of my life. I have just reached the breaking point. My interactions with him are always so fraught and upsetting that it affects my own mental state. To make matters worse, I feel that his behavior and manipulations are eroding the healthy family relationships I have left with my parents.

This is particularly difficult since he still lives with my parents. He left for college at age 18, but returned home 2 years later following some kind of episode with a former girlfriend that left him suicidal. My mother flew out to retrieve him from college, and he has remained at home ever since. I now recognize this as pretty classic BPD behavior.

In addition, he struggles with a mysterious yet severe gastrointestinal ailment that causes him great discomfort. The diagnosis is Inflammatory Bowel Disease, but I suspect there is a psychosomatic element there too. He often uses his illness to manipulate family members into feeling bad for him, or for justifying his abusive behavior. I should also add that he self- medicates through recreational drug use, and sees a doctor who has been pretty freely writing him prescriptions for Xanax and other anti-anxiety meds that I question the utility of.

Anyhow, I often find myself at odds with my father, who suggests that I "rise above" my brother's behavior. He makes me feel guilty when I try to create some boundaries between my brother and myself, and excuses his behavior because of all his health issues. It’s created a lot of tension between us recently. I think my mother has been in survival mode for the past 12 years and somehow has blocked out the issue in an effort to spare her marriage.

So, I am wondering what I should do in this situation. How do I get my father to see that my brother has a serious mental health issue? I have considered writing him a letter.

I know that I can’t force my brother into treatment, but is there something I can do? I am concerned by his threats of suicide, and his other self-destructive behaviors. And, if all else fails, should I just cut him out of my life completely, at the risk of jeopardizing other family relationships? I am losing sleep over this!

I realize that this is very long. I guess I just needed to get it all out, so thanks for reading.

LeeRuth,

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult relationship with your brother.  You must feel very scared and lonely to have a sibling that worries you so much.  Do you feel your parents see an issue with your brother or do you feel they're trying to protect him from his own behavior? 

We have a lot of members that can relate to your situation and offer you the support you need.

It does sound like you could use some help with setting up boundaries in respect to your entire family.  I'm linking an article that may help in that regard.  Boundaries Tools of Respect (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm)

-crazed

LeeRuth33,

*welcome*   I am glad that you found bpdfamily.com.  I am sorry that you are not getting any support from your parents re your brother, and it is really affecting your relationship with them.   Has your brother ever received any treatment for mental illness?  

There is a lot of information here on BPD.  On home page, there are articles, videos, and links that you may want to check out.

I don't know if your father is willing to accept that your brother has a mental illness.

Have you sought any counseling for yourself in regards to all of this.  You need to take care of yourself.  Having someone listen to you is very validating.  A professional therapist can guide you to family communications.  Many of us here have had some therapy regarding the BPD in our lives.

There is a board for relatives with BPD.  Healing from a Relationship with a Parent, Relative, or In-law with BPD.  There are members that have so many similarities in their stories.   You will find much support here.

And, please take car of yourself.

peaceplease