BPDFamily.com

I sitting here with my music blasting in my earphones, dancing in my chair. I am so happy.  Why?  Because I am above ground and breathing. Because I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am thinking it can't be worse than some I have had.  I am happy because I am the pilot of my airplane... .jockey of my horse... .you get the idea.

These are the reasons I should be miserable... .

I have a waif/queen "mother".  She is a human black hole of resentment and rage and would love nothing more than for me to join her in her dance of resentment.

I have a brother who I adored who suicided (mother related).

My health could be better.

I spent the past 50 years riding that roller coaster with my mother, hating my father, loving my poor brother and trying to understand what in the world it was all about when I discovered BPD.  

I'll throw in the economy sucks.  Let's think globally.

*I'll be happy to share my very eclectic playlist with you if you want.

Why am I happy?  Because I love music.  I love life. I understand BPD and I have a choice about being emotionally invested in her self hatred.  I will not participate, thank you very much.   My life is joyful because I can still grow up to be anything I want to be (in my own head).  Tomorrow I will start a new painting.  I might carve a pumpkin.  I'll play with my puppy.  When she calls... .and she will, I will let every negative sentence she hisses roll off of me like a duck.

Do I ever get really angry?  Well, yes I do.  I posted a ridiculous post here several days ago. I was angry with one of the monitors.  I thought she didn't understand what I was trying to say.  She totally did. We are buddies now.  We can let anger go and sometimes that can grow into a buddyship!  I wrote a book several years ago.  My BPD mother didn't speak to me for six months because I had betrayed what she thought were private matters.  Oh the glory of those peaceful six months    I could have let it sink me but I didn't.  My life isn't her life. My story isn't her story. We OWN our "selves" completely.

So put on some headphones and let your favorite music blast you into a happy place.  It's all good. We deserve it  BIG TIME.

I'm very happy that you can do that. I wish you all the happiness. But, right now the most prominent song in my head is Robin Trower's "Bridge of Sighs" with a vision of me and others passing over bridge after bridge in Dante's Inferno... .then I think it's a little hard to have a smile on my face.

My problems are now all financial since I went to the mailbox two weeks ago. I've decided to put my affairs in order and then wait. There is nothing left for me to do - it is inescapable. I know that sounds melodramatic, but this is a very dramatic scene.

Sasha, have you left any stone unturned.  There must be some kind of financial relief out there.  Never give up. Never never never never give up.  Send me a private message.   

Sent you a PM, your box is full.

No. I am not going to harm myself, just put my affairs in order so that my son will be protected and then sit back and let what happens, happen. Can't fight city hall.

Okay, I take it back.  I was happy... .just doing great.  We all know that won't do when a BPD wants attention.  Like water wearing away at a stone she finally managed to get under my skin. It took her two years but she finally did it. On Thanksgiving, as a guest in my house, she insulted me in front of my whole family.  I asked her what that was about and she said "GET USE TO IT". 

I no longer believe it is possible to "be happy" while in contact but given her advanced age and lack of anyone else to deal with her I am stuck.   

nevermore, my step-grandmother was a similar "black hole."  Only 12 years older than my mother, she dominated Mom from the time she married my grandad (Mom was 6, SGM was 18) -- jealous, spiteful, neglectful in private but sugar-sweet in public.  Nauseating.  I knew something was wrong but didn't know she wasn't my bio GM until I was 10.  My reaction?  "Thank goodness! It's not genetic."

Somehow, my mother created herself as a competent, loving wife and mother -- she certainly had no model in her own household.  The best thing my dad did was move 200 miles away after I was born -- I think it saved my mother's sanity.  He also protected Mom by establishing boundaries and quietly but firmly calling his MIL when she crossed the line ("That's enough, Dorothy."

In spite of that, I was my Mom walk on eggshells most of her adult life, until SGM died in her mid-70s.  Mom seemed to accept it as a painful but necessary interaction whenever she dealt with SGM -- really, a lifelong sorrow in her life.  So sad.  And yet -- Mom is one of the most optimistic, naturally happy people I know.   So I believe we can get past that one "black hole" relationship as we create the remainder of our lives -- sounds like what you're doing quite well!

Thanks Gagrl.  Your dad is my kind of hero.  I'm am doing fine but when I reread my earlier post about being able to have a happy life I think I was in a especially happy place and the post came off as arrogant.  The nature of the beast (BPD) is mindgames, playing nice followed by painting you black, lies, gaslighting, etc. and when that is the background music of your day to day life it is difficult at best.  We all struggle and then we have times when it isn't that bad.  Thank goodness we have each other! |iiii

Hi nevermore.

I don't think your first post came across as arrogant. But I do think they possess that ability to prick the bubble when we are feeling happy, or manage to do or own something just for us!

My pwBPD is in a very disregulated cycle at the moment so causing all sorts of hell for family members. But I am trying really hard to keep an emotional distance from her. it's just so difficult when they do such cruel and nasty things that no normal person would and then act as if nothing has occurred.

It is like living among riddles and illusions any time I am around her. Here is an example and I would LOVE any imput on this one. I would call this one a riddle.  Today I mentioned that I am having a Christmas party and everyone on my facebook (I keep it small) is invited.  BTW she is not invited.  Anyway she mentioned a cousin of mine and said "Well you know he will show up".  Me "Yes, he plans to come".  Her "He is such a name dropper.  He is going to make you feel terrible about yourself".    Why in the world would a guy who likes to mention people he knows make me feel terrible about myself.  I told her that he doesn't bother me at all and someone has to try really hard to make me feel bad.  My point, which she did not get, was she DOES TRY VERY HARD to make me feel bad (or at least feel very confused by her attempt).  I can't unravel her statement.  Can you?  I doesn't make any more sense than her shouting out at my Thanksgiving gathering that I can't tell time or make change (both ridiculously false).  What is the term for this kind of behavior?