BPDFamily.com

After happily spending time at the organic markets seeing family this morning I left to go to gym. I thought I'd duck into the shopping center beforehand... .was walking along happily listening to my ipod when I saw a couple he knows. I felt sick. It was the first time I've seen anyone to do with him. They didn't see me. I wanted to tell them everything. I wanted someone who knows him to know what he did. I also wanted to hide. They are a happy normal couple with children. Enviably normal... what I wanted with him. Us to be like that.

I went another direction through the Centre... I went to gym. I tried to ignore thoughts of him... .but suddenly it just hit me and I've cried all afternoon. Shutting myself away from my brother and his wife who I live with in my room. They must think im reading or sleeping. I've felt so upset and desperately wanted to contact him. I miss him like crazy suddenly. It's pain in my heart.

I didn't even want to come on here. I did just before. I needed some kind of grounding. I feel sick. Some posts are reminding me not to break no contact.

2 steps forward, one step back. It's not a straight line.

NC, or it will tear you apart.

Thank you. I have cried n cried n cried and wanted to reach out to him far more than any other day since I started no contact. Reading posts has helped though I feel sick crossed with missing him like crazy. I'm just holding on to the knowledge that this bout of pain will hopefully progress me further away from him once it passes.

Hey Accepting ... . 

For me, what helps be more resolute about the way things have to be, is to make room for my emotional reality to be complicated.  The things you are missing can be really good (I've read enough of your prior posts to know about your sweet times with your ex), the things you aspired to with him can be things that should have been really great -- had he been capable of building toward them.  And yet, he can be a person who is not capable of building toward them.  It can all be true at once.  Which is why contacting him won't fix anything.

I am realizing that my ex is not presently (and he's past 50) capable of building.  When those bad feelings come, he assumes it means something is wrong with where he is or whom he is with, so he has an impulse to change.  So he wants to break up, see someone else, move.  He cannot make it through the bad feelings & the bad feelings are inevitable.

I miss him, I think we could have been great together, I wish it were otherwise.  But its not otherwise.  Which is why I just have to feel that love for him from a distance.  When I get closer to him, his rationalization & explanation for why things "went this way" is very painful.

Accepting, hang in there!   I think there are some jewels in this experience that hopefully you can use to heal over the long run.

First is that you actively recognize that seeing this couple triggers you, and more importantly you see precisely why. It's because they represent a loving "normal" family, which is what you wanted with your ex. This is a good thing to know.

Second jewel, is that you are going to organic markets and to the gym! Sounds like you are striving to eat healthy and stay physically fit, and this is a humongous feat that you should be proud of and I feel the fastest way to recovery. Be proud of this accomplishment 

Knowing about this trigger, and specifically why it triggers you gives you something to focus on (and the opposite thing to let go of) when thinking about the future. I think the obvious message here is that you have a strong drive to have a loving family--recognizing how strong this desire is within yourself can be the catalyst to make this actually happen, when you are ready.

When I go to the gym I find that I usually go for a mental as well as physical workout. I will swim to exhaustion which dissipates angry or clingy energy from my body. I have a tendency to focus on beautiful things in my present, and lovely possibilities of the future, whenever I inhale. Whenever I exhale during exercise I push out anything having to do with the ex, both hateful feelings and also any loving feelings that are no longer useful. I tend to do this while being physical but also when meditating/relaxing in the sauna or jacuzzi after working out. Maybe you could combine some of your psychological work with your gym workouts?

I think this is the most rational way to think about things when you are upset. It's just not going to work... .EVER.  It is painful but it is REALITY.  This is exactly my focus when my mind tries to tell me it can work. It just sucks.

Thank you all. I slept and have now woken (morning in Australia) and feel sad but mellow. Not as sad. I didn't reach out to him, I did see when looking that his dating site profile was deleted/hidden (most likely option) which could have served to upset me further but I just remind myself it could mean he's gone from dating site to contacting someone directly using their number/email and even if that's the case, they aren't necessarily going to be suitable... .and if they are, they may be in store for just the same as he exposed me to in time. It's so so strange, all of this. I so wanted to tell him I loved him last night, the feeling was immense - then seeing his profile offline brought on more feelings. It's the only way I can 'keep tabs' on anything to do with him and am going days without checking but then fail to stick to that at times.


Isn't this so true. It's the essence of our inner conflict really. Wanting normality with them when this is not what they are able to offer us. Remembering during those moments of pain when wanting to talk to them that what we aspire to is not something they are capable of... for a future, long term. I'm constantly trying to remind myself of this when these waves of emotion hit and I come crashing down from doing well.

You mention your ex is around the age of 50... .I try to remind myself of what I know of my exes - one I saw at a wedding a few years ago for friends of ours, another I know of as he's friends with my brother - and what I know is that they haven't changed. I still could not be with either of these men and it is a good thing that we broke up. I try to remind myself that most likely, my recent BPD ex will be the same - BPD or not - someone who in hindsight could not have given me/us the life I want, the future I aspire to having. For the most part I'm positive and look at the lighter side... .but he was not this way inclined... he'd say he loved my outlook on life but he also told me I think too much and would shut me down when I tried to help him see things from a lighter perspective. He loved when we went on day drives through the hinterland and via little offroad cafes... picnicing by rivers and being out in nature... .but then would shut me out and shut himself up in his apartment away from people and not want to go anywhere or communicate.



Something I didn't mention about seeing them - is that the woman in the couple was an issue of contention for us at times - not her specifically, but my ex's relationship with her. After the first few months there was an occasion when he was going to their place when the husband was away to help her with the children during bath and dinner time and then to stay to drink wine late into the night - I was jealous and could not understand how he wasn't able to see that this to me was a little inappropriate - even though he was mates with both of the couple and claimed the guy was fine with it - my ex had a close bond with their child who was born a few days after my ex's mum passed away. I understood having plutonic friendships with the opposite sex... .but what erked me so much, was that he was 'filling the role of husband' per say, yet not seeing that it was a bit of a strange thing to be doing - I felt jealous that he was there with her hanging out, when to me, she had everything... .a loving husband and family, plus my guy. It was weird. I have a best male friend so I understand it from her perspective... .but it still felt really off. That my guy was almost pretending to fill this role of father figure with someone elses family. It was just as the first cycle of us being together started to unravel... .it was one of the first things that felt 'off'... a red flag in hindsight. My ex once mentioned that the husband of this couple told him he thought it was great to meet me and that he was happy for him that he'd met a lovely girl - then said down the track that he thought maybe my ex had commitment issues when he found out we were on a break - I think the husband of the couple is a 'normal' guy and was sensing things about my ex - but never to the true extent. It's weird how you just want to tell people the truth about them when you work it all out - but that in itself is smearing someone isn't it... .and unless they're 'in it' they'll never get it anyway and you'll just come across as a weirdo with issues about not being able to get over your ex.

Re exercise, it is a wonderful focus and I'm trying to get even more in to gym than usual. It doesn't help that the last time I saw my ex he mentioned this woman friend from the couple goes to my gym. It's just a link to him that I wish I didn't know (my gym is 5mins away from me, yet 20mins from them - he is close neighbours a few doors down from the couple). I like my gym time to be a sanctuary. It's nice to feel like you can zone out. I think I might try getting back in to using the sauna again as further relaxation.


Yes, holding on to this focus is essential... .hard when you're emotional but so important.

I cried so much last night. I've had a number of teary days but two main occasions where I've cried a lot and it's taken me by surprise. Maybe it's a case of feeling like it's over properly this time and maybe I'm grieving the 'end'. I can feel so inspired by my decision to move on at times and so calm inside... .so at peace with myself... .then I hit a low like last night and feel shattered again... .I like to think that this is just a process of getting it all out, moving forward... .properly healing instead of burying it or blocking out the true pain of it all. It's all work in progress, working towards a healthy, beautiful relationship in the future. I hope.

well now you just made me feel better!