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My wonderful husband and I got married earlier this month! We're both extremely happy to be in this new stage of our lives, but there's still a dark cloud hanging over our heads.

Not only did my uBPDm not attend the wedding, she threatened my passive father with many things, including divorce, if he came to the wedding or supported us in any way. I grew up feeling like my dad was the one stable person in my life, even if he hardly ever stood up for me or himself. I was okay with my mom not attending the wedding (Because there was no stress that she'd ruin it), but it hurt that my dad wasn't going to come.

Before the wedding she spoke with and wrote letters to numerous acquaintances and friends of mine, saying slanderous things about my fiance and urging them to convince us to call it off. She spent months contacting me directly, as well, and refused to ever discuss the wedding unless it was in an effort to get me to end it.

The wedding was beautiful and I'm grateful for my friends who came, and for my husband's family.

Now that three weeks have passed, I still have not spoken to my father, or anyone in my family. The only person who has tried to contact me was my mom, offering to meet me and my husband for lunch. (This was the first time she offered to meet with him since before we were engaged.) We declined. I have no desire to see her. That said, I do have a desire to talk with my dad, but I know my mom will make him recount every word of our conversation if I do.

I'm writing this because I want to hear from others who've gone through engagements and weddings while dealing with a BPDm. Did anything improve after you were married? Were there any situations you found yourself in that caused a lot of emotional stress? She tried so hard for us to end it, and now that we're married, what can she do? I don't to know what to expect. Not sure if she'll just leave us alone or try to get us divorced. The less contact I have with her, the happier I am.

Would love to hear your stories and advice!

Congratulations and best wishes to you! 

I'm so sorry that your mother and father weren't there for your wedding, but glad to hear that it was a wonderful day for you. It sounds like you were surrounded by love and loved ones, and that's so sweet.

I didn't know about BPD until after I was married, but what I did feel is that I was torn between my mother and DH--that I had to decide between them. They got along reasonably well, but I always got the feeling that my mother expected me to "side" with her no matter what. Do you think your mother has an "it's me or him--you decide" attitude? The other thing that has changed since my marriage is that I've become more tied to DH and less dependent/involved with my parents, which I think has made my mother feel threatened.

What do you think is happening with your dad?

Thank you for your kind words!

My mother definitely has the "me or him" attitude. Not only does she imply it, she comes right out and says it. During our engagement I found it necessary to keep some level of communication with her out of fear that she'd sabotage the wedding if I didn't. However, every time I communicated with her, she'd tell me directly that I had changed, that she missed when I was a better person, and that my future husband was a controlling, mentally-ill person who was driving a wedge between me and my family.

I just ordered "Understanding the Borderline Mother" last night. From the little I've read about the different personality types online, I think the witch-queen describes her the best.

My father was secretly supportive of our marriage for the first six months of our engagement. He planned on financially supporting the wedding, as well, unbeknownst to my mother. Two days after he told me he was going to mail a check, I received a phone call from him saying he wanted me to call the wedding off. It was a shocking 180. He didn't need to explain; My BPDm had gotten to him.

He quit answering my phone calls, so we didn't speak for the next two months.

Days before the wedding, he called me to apologize. He felt horrible about the entire situation and said he wished me the best. However, he said out of fear of my BPDm, he still would not be coming to the wedding or supporting it financially.

But what he said next brought me to tears: That he wouldn't be contacting me again until well after the wedding. He felt that staying away would cause me less emotional pain during what was supposed to be a happy time in my life.

Hearing that hurt the most, because I truly felt that my dad was doing the only thing he felt he could to protect me; I felt like he cared. I could see how much this situation was hurting him, too.

I'm actually crying as I write this, thinking about it.

I wish I had a way of helping my dad, but I think, out of fear of the unknown, he's okay with keeping his situation as is.

:'( That had to be hard to hear, and I can imagine how painful it is to imagine what the future would be like without your dad. My father is very enmeshed too and I know how much that hurts.   It can really feel like abandonment.

The best thing you can do is keep the door open to a relationship with him, and work on yourself and your new marriage. I think that Understanding the Borderline Mother will be a real eye-opener for you; it was a life-changing book for me. It might explain your mother's behavior and why your father is doing what he's doing. Once you've read it, let us know what you learned from it--I'm curious!

This is a pretty typical projection for someone with BPD, and the way she is treating your husband is very common for someone with her disorder. That doesn't make it any more pleasant to deal with, but at least you are not alone and can know for sure that none of it is your fault or your DH's. People with BPD tend to see their children's weddings as a form of abandonment. They would like to be the ones controlling their children and have a hard time imagining that we are independent adults with minds of our own, so our spouses often get called abusive brainwashers. It is pure projection. What she means when she says you used to be a "better person" is that she liked it better when her manipulation tactics worked to keep you close at hand. You aren't doing anything wrong. It is normal for children to grow up and get married.

I am sorry to hear your dad is abandoning you to save himself, but this is also pretty typical for a man who chooses to stay married to a woman with BPD (my dad included). It sounds like you are feeling kind of betrayed. How are you coping with that?

There's no real way to predict what behavior will come next from your parents. It is pretty common after a blowup or a period of the silent treatment for the person to just call up one day when they need attention and act like nothing happened. Has your mother done that before? How would you feel if she did this? 

Wishing you peace,

PF

I am right there with you on this.  I've received several emails over the past few months from my uBPD mother ranting and raving about how my husband is destroying our family and making me a terrible person (and my husband and I have been married for 3 years and together a lot longer than that, so no in my experience to the it gets better with time question).  I have no hope that her anger towards my husband will ever receed but it is helpful to find that there are others dealing with this problem.  My only advice would be to create a boundary with your mother where you won't allow her to say disparaging things about your husband or you will cut off contact.  This is what I've had to do, which is likely why the emails on this subject have been so frequent.

I appreciate all of your responses  :)


GeekyGirl,

The book came two days ago, and I've already read the majority of it (albeit I skimmed through the parts which I already knew or seemed irrelevant to my situation). It's extremely validating. I've circled and highlighted dozens of paragraphs that seem spot on. My mother is definitely has a lot of Queen traits, although I'd say the Witch in her comes out a good 50% of the time. Indeed, growing up my dad, brother and I nicknamed her the wicked witch.

The part that discusses my father's role is eye opening. The description of the Fisherman fits him perfectly.

I'm going to need time to reflect and soak it all in. It's already been beneficial, and I'm sure it will continue to be as I work toward finishing it.


PF,

Yes, you described her behavior exactly. As I mentioned, she called me up a week and a half after the wedding and left a voicemail. She sounded friendly and invited me to lunch, as well as my husband. I'm used to her doing this sort of thing, so I wasn't fazed by it. I didn't want to respond at all, but after she texted me to additional times the same day, I simply responded to her text no, and that I was out of town. In retrospect, I wish I would have been more assertive. However, I fear if I simply say "No, I don't want to see you", she'll get angry and will make things worse. From what I'm reading, it's best to ignore her altogether, and not give into her after she contacts me multiple times. I'm getting better at holding off longer, but she's been known to call in missing person reports to the police if I ignore her for too long. I'm not sure what the best way to handle that is.


Shalaidah,

It's nice to know that you've been through this too. I'll definitely make a point of standing up for him more.

During our engagement, she made a point of referring to him as my boyfriend, rather than my fiance, which I told her was rude and unacceptable. Of course, compared to the other things she said about him, that was minor. Now that we're married, there's no fear of her ruining the wedding, so I'm less intimidated by the thought of setting her off. Thanks for your advice!

Most definitely. This is definitely not a good beach read! :) It took some time for me to really digest it too. My mother is a Queen/Witch type too, so I can see some of her behavior in what you've described.


Being assertive isn't a bad thing. Can you express what you need while showing her empathy?

Hi Justme1! congratulations on getting married I'm glad you had a wonderful day. When I got engaged my mother was really rude, she said my engagement ring looked like it had come out of a cracker and she refused to acknowledge us as an engaged couple. When we started planning a wedding she remained downright nasty and said she thought our engagement was some sort of joke that's why she never congratulated us. My husband and I planned the wedding we wanted and didn't invite her. We had a lovely day with friends and I'm very glad she wasn't there as the day would have been all about her not us. We were married 8 years ago. Last year she noticed we had a recording of our wedding and asked to see it, I was quite happy she showed an interest at last but all she said afterwards was that it was like a joke wedding with everyone laughing and not taking it seriously. My husband chipped in with 'that's because we're all enjoying ourselves'. Funny!

My mother never mentions my husband its as if he doesn't exist. Interestingly though she has told other people that he works very hard and is a wonderful father, she would never had said that to me.

My mother lives next door and I am a (not very good) caregiver for her --she is 88. She has said a couple of times that we'd better not split up as she would have nowhere to go! Such a loving mother she is! That book sounds good, another one for the list.

I have taken on board this projection element which is really interesting and helps with dealing with her spite knowing that she is sort of talking about her own feelings, stops the comments cutting too much.

Congrats on your marriage!  I didn't know about BPD at the time I got married and I was still under the impression that my relationship with my mom was normal.  She loved my husband, but I think a large portion of that was because his mom has other issues and he has no real relationship with her, so my mom stepped in and took over the role of "mom" for him too, taking him out shopping, dinner, meeting him for lunch, etc.  Basically someone new to enmesh.  She didn't want to break up our relationship, but she did want total control over it.  For example, we were looking for a house and my mom was going on a week long vacation, and before she left she told us, ":)on't buy a house while I'm gone."  And she meant it!  We found one, and she literally got mad because she didn't get to help us choose!  She would have rather we lost the sale then do something without her.

We didn't start having issues until she started treating my husband like "one of the family" and that was not okay with me.  I started expecting her to behave like a respectful adult, and that's when most of the issues started.  Though she still mostly took things out on me.

I've also experienced the father 180.  I'd called to confront my mother about something thoughtless she had done to my husband, she responded by having a tantrum and (literally) threw the phone at my dad, where I was caught speechless, crying with my dad saying I didn't know what just happend, explained the situation to him, and he ended the conversation saying he'd have my mom apologize.  I didn't hear from either of my parents for 9 months, until I called them over to tell them we were moving halfway across the country.  It turned into a giant argument, and suddenly my dad had completely changed his mind and was backing my mom saying she didn't need to apologize and the whole situation was my fault.  It was a shattering revelation.  My whole life I'd been getting by thinking my dad, who normally didn't involve himself in our arguments, was silently disagreeing with my mom and just protecting himself by not saying anything.  I'm still working on recovering from finding out neither of my parents supports or respects my feelings or needs.  So I completely understand your situation with your dad.

I hope you are able to figure out what you need and take care of yourself!

I agree with GeekyGirl that communication tools that include empathy (such as SET) can be very useful in situations where you need to be assertive. Are you familiar with SET?

As far as her calling in missing persons reports, that must be incredibly frustrating. Have you spoken about it with your local PD? Have you ever confronted your mother about this behavior?

PF