BPDFamily.com

My wife has BPD and we have been dealing with it for years now but it has only come into focus for either of us over the last 3 years. I'm doing my best to put my wife's needs ahead of mine for the time being but it seems no matter what I do she can find fault with me. This may seem simple to some but despite how hard I try, I find it infuriating. Is there anyone else on here at the same stage/level?

Colin

Hi LongHaul,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way.  I think it's fair to say all of us have at one point or another.   Many of us sway between understanding and frustration and anger. 

It's a very hard thing to deal with.  The lessons on the right are a great help in that regard and in "trying to wrap your head around"  this disorder.

It was always helpful to me in calming my mind and perspective.

Oh and  *welcome*

I hope you keep posting.  It takes a bit for others to get on the board and respond, but you've come to the right place to get some support and understanding.

I've certainly felt, if not infuriated, extremely frustrated.  I know that there are tools to use and ways to deal with things, but sometimes I just want to relax and be my totally imperfect self!

maybe its time to put some of your needs first also... .do things for you while she works on herself, take time outs... .and a huge thing is setting boundaries, that does help!

If she always finds fault with you, use the SET tools so she can understand how you feel!

Yes, in fact I was considering a similar post today.  I'm at work, trying to re-center myself, but I can't seem to help wondering if any of my colleagues left their house this morning to this cheery sendoff from their spouses as I got from my H:  "Every morning I wake up furious with you. You're the worst thing that ever happened to me and I wish I'd never met you." 

And a lovely day to you too, dear.   

I know the trigger and it wasn't me (and my response was to get out of the house ASAP), but oh boy it still hurts and infuriates sometimes to not be able to expect any kind words from my SO.  Now that I let that out, I am going to make a nice cup of tea and listen to some music while I get back to work.  I hope you can find your equivalent to self-soothe, whatever you can do to find some joy in the day.

I think anyone who has been in a relationship with a BPD sufferer would have to be lying if they said they didn't get angry at times. It's a natural human response to frustrating and at times seemingly inexplicable behavior.

My advice to you would be to try and re-evaluate your response to your wife. You should try to stop framing your behavior as "putting her needs ahead of your own." If you're seeing yourself as a suffering martyr you begin to feel resentful and unappreciated. In order to improve your relationship with your wife you are going to have to accept change into your life and be transformed by radical compassion. She's already doing the best that she can [in any moment]. Sometimes her ability to cope with her disorder might be better than others. Her brain is literally wired differently from yours, and to learn how to cope with her impulses in new & socially acceptable ways she needs your help and your compassion.

I know that this isn't related to LongHaul 54's post but I thought that you would appreciate this... .

A few weeks back, I was the back-up for someone who works for me.  Therefore I needed the login to their computer.  While they were away I signed into their browser to look something up and started typing and bpdfamily.com came up.  I thought it was bizarre because I always use the private function on the browser and I have NEVER used their computer before.  Well the history is all from the detaching board.  Would you believe that someone who works for me also frequents this site.  My co is only 100 people.  What are the odds.  I immediately cleared the history and didn't look to see or try to figure their login for their own privacy. 

Just goes to show... .you really don't know what other people are going through.  Another colleague at my co's sister is BPD and her sister tried to commit suicide the day that she moved out to go to University.  You just never know!

My wife and I have been dealing with this for 17 years, almost the entire time, we haven't had a diagnosis and knew nothing of BPD... .It's only been in the last few months, with a proper diagnosis, that we've started to get some understanding of what's going on.

The cycles are so very frustrating, aren't they? The inability to "do anything right", always being "wrong". It's exhausting trying to keep up with it all.

I'll echo a  couple other people's responses... .Take a look at the lessons, get a book about BPD, and keep posting here. I'm pretty new and I've found that it's been very helpful just to know that I'm not alone in dealing with this and in fact there are a lot of other people going through the exact same thing that I am.

I'll also echo the response that you need to start taking care of yourself. For years I put her needs first at the expense of my emotional security, I've since learned that this is wrong. I have to take care of myself first, I have to have my own outlets if I'm going to have any chance at being there for her when she needs it. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this disorder, she's just not going to be able to be there like she needs you to be there for her. It's not easy, and it's taken a lot of time, but things are actually much better because I'm now starting to be secure enough in myself to be able to separate myself from her emotional dysregulation. I've got a long way to go, but I'm starting to understand her better and am happier myself.

Hi LongHaul,

*welcome*  What I have learned from reading books and from this site is that the anger results from not taking care of ourselves.  Our pwBPD demand our attention and focus, and we inherently feel like we should follow their rules (to our own detriment).  No matter what we do, we cannot "make them happy."  They are mentally ill.  The fact that you're putting your wife's needs ahead of yours is a red-flag that you're not taking care of yourself.  Her needs shouldn't be coming before yours, but at the same time, expecting her to meet your needs will only make you resentful and angry when she can't. 

Are there other ways to get your needs met?  Maybe participate in some activities that you enjoy? 

  Daylily