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H and I just had a fight about an hour ago that started with my "comment" about an interaction between him and S12. 

Nothing new about the interaction with S12... .H has zero patience and goes from calm to furious in about 2.4 seconds.  S12 has no respect for H as this is how all of their interactions go, so S12 is mouthy which escalates it further.  The reason for the interaction was stupid.  Reasons behind the "why" H is doing what he is doing make sense... .his approach sucks and he gets pissed and starts yelling and swearing and putting S12 down.

H tried to tell me about how much of a brat S12 was being and I made one comment about how maybe if he didn't yell at him so much that S12 would listen to him better.  That comment resulted in him throwing things around the bathroom, slamming things around and packing up his clothes and taking them to the guest room in the basement.  I got mad too and was yelling at him, basically saying that when he starts yelling and swearing he should probably expect the reaction he gets.   

After about 10 minutes of yelling back and forth he came up and got more of his stuff out of the closet and I commented that if this was his version of moving out that he was welcome to do so.  He asked if I was saying I wanted a divorce and I said yes, I do, and I'm not kidding.  He didn't say much but left the room.

Came back a few minutes later and tried arguing his case about how he handled interaction with S12.  I told him that the two of them couldn't have a positive interaction if their lives depended on it.  H claims that the only way he can get S12's attention is to yell and swear and he doesnt plan on changing.  I told him that was his prerogative but that unless he treated his son with a little respect he wouldn't get any in return.  I told him I actually get where he is coming from but I don't agree with the approach. 

Anyway, H is sleeping in the guest room and I am up working.  I feel very nervous and shaky but calm at the same time.  I don't think he thinks I'm serious about the divorce comment.  I really want to get through the next couple of weeks without having to move forward with this so I am going to let it go for now.  S8 turns 9 on Wednesday and I don't want to ruin his b-day by his dad moving out or us fighting all week. 

Don't know what the next few days will hold but I want to move on.

Oh, forgot to mention that today we had a family b-day party for all three of our kids.  Can almost predict with 100% certainty that H will lose his marbles after having his and my families over for the day... .so predictable.

I'm sorry javamom. I can see how all this made you nervous and shaky. It's tough. 

Are you getting all your ducks in a row for the divorce? Do you feel like you have a good plan?

Thanks Learning Curve... .

I have been super busy at work for the past month trying to get a huge project done so I have not gotten as much done in getting my plans laid out as I would like, which is the other reason I'm frustrated with myself for going there last night.  I will be calling later today or tomorrow to get an appointment with a therapist as well as a lawyer.  I need to be ready to do this.  It has been eating at me for too long.

I did not sleep at all last night which should make for a great day at work.

Night number 3 that H has slept in the guest room.

Conversation has been minimal but at least no fighting. 

Usually in this situation I would have sought him out to tell him to come back to "our" bed, that he didn't need to sleep in the guest room (even though it is always his choice to do so... .I never ask him to leave).  This time he took all of his clothes out of the closet as well as all of his bathroom stuff with him. 

Last night we had minimal conversation.  I guess you could say we are both equally participating in the silent treatment.

I am terrified of having "the conversation" with him.  Today is my son's 9th b-day so I don't want to do it today.  Tomorrow night I have to be in the car for 2 hours with H by myself because we are going to D16's sporting event  which is quite a drive away.  I don't want to be alone in the car with him because I don't want to talk about this right now.

But... .I know my not wanting to talk about it is complete avoidance on my part.  The rational side of me knows that this is right about the same timeline I was thinking about 2 months ago.  He has already "separated" himself from me and I have already told him I want a divorce.  I don't think trying to have a reconciliation at this time is going to help move things along. 

I have these terrible feelings of sorrow for what he is going through.  I imagine what he is feeling right now and my heart is breaking.  I know that I will be taking away everything that means anything to him.  I know that he thinks he is a victim in all of this, that his "temper" is always justified by the actions of others.  I have the "gift" of empathy, but it's killing me right now.  I see the look in his eyes saying he is sad and confused and doesn't know what he should do.  There is a big part of me that wants to just give him a hug and tell him that everything is going to be OK.  I know in my heart that I can't do that because it wouldn't be fair to either of us (it wouldn't be sincere).  I think he is probably waiting for me to do it since that is what usually happens. 

So how do I get through/past this stage of avoidance to action and just doing it?  I can tell myself that I'm "not ready"... .there are so many things left to do before I tell him.  However, I also know in my heart that there is no amount of being ready that will take place that will make me feel good about doing this.  I really don't want to do it... .but it is something I have needed to do for a very long time. 

There are unknowns... .many of them.  I can't plan this to work out in a certain way, nor can I plan enough to know what his reactions will be and whether he will make this hard or easy.  What is solid and what I know is that I don't want to be with him anymore.  If I take away my understanding of his feelings and take away all of the logistical stuff, it comes back to the fact that I don't want to be married to him anymore.  We aren't good together.  We can't be, we've proven that.

So I guess it boils down to the fact that this breakup needs to happen in the next several days.  I knew it was coming and that it would be hard.  It was always easier to not fret about it because it wasn't "today"... .well now I'm there and there is no more pushing it back and worrying about it "tomorrow".

I guess I'm just looking for moral support.  I know all of you who are actually split from your pwBPD have been in this spot.  It's really hard!

Thanks in advance for any support you all are willing to offer... .