BPDFamily.com

Since my last entry I have moved out and into the home of close relatives. The appointment that my H and I had with the BPD/DBT specialist told me that my H's self test for BPD came out positive, as well as her professional feeling is that all arrows point in the direction of BPD. Due to the out-of-reach-prices for what treatment she said would be his only short at successfully beating BPD we couldn't start treatment. Also, I believe my H wouldn't have kept up with the weekly 3 hr drives to another city.

We have also gone to a couples therapist. ALSO! We began seeing a pastor who has brought on another counselor to help. They requested that we both take a formal psychiatric evaluation to assess for mental illness. My H has always told professionals that would be helping us that he felt I had Bi-polar. The counselor and pastor said nothing that she saw of me gave any indications of that. I did my assessment and they said there was nothing they found to be needing medication or return teips back to speak with them. My H said his would be the same result... .and sure enough it was. I have seen him on zoloft and he was a different person. At this point he has clearly shown ME that hes not going to get specific help. He did say he would befin seeing an individual counselor. One recommended by our couples therapist and also book himself into anger management. Living away from him at times has me thinking this mighr work. Because he does try. He makes it to meetings and does display that he wants to work at making things different. BUT then I have days like today where I can see core issues haven't been touched. He sees that I'm serious about seperating for good... .but at this point he hasn't done any real therapy at all. I have been doing active therapy myself for the last 5-6 months. I am now able to ask myself the question " is this marriage working for me". Can I see any real changes within the last month of being apart. I guess the only change that I've seen is that he's not apathetic anymore. He professess that he is going to do everything to reunite. At this point though my energy for it is just about gone. There will be nothing left of me if I don't stop the madness.

Hi NoSocks

Good to hear you again from you! And I feel sorry that you are low on energy right now. 

I think it is time to look for yourself. You tried a lot to make your rs working. What do you think you can do to stop the madness?

Since my last post I have stopped the madness from continuing, for me. Due to my husband not wanting to help me make my ends meet, even going as far as having to see if I was recording him on my phone when him and I were tslking about him wanting to help support me... .I have let hkm know the marriage is over. I truely feel that between how he really feels and his mental illness his behavior shows he thinks I am someone I'm not. I feel if he is treating me this way after teo and ahalf years of marriage hes never going to trust me. And because his move to get therapy is happening at the slowest rate possible I feel this relationship has reached a place that just doesn't work for work for me. It totally insults me that he thinks I'm trying to trap him. Or his dissorder is taking over... .or its his enabling family that I know is telling him not give me anything. His sister has told him once that me having to call the police on him one night was a waste of tax payers money.His own mother has had to call the police on him... .aghhhhh... .his family is just aghhhhh. IN DENIAL!

I have stopped all contact.I have reached the point of not wanting the marriage at all now. I'm done. After everything I've gone through because of him and he truely feels he's in the position to dictate how he wants giving me money to go. This is the BPD twist... .he acknowledges now that he made so many wrong mistakes and that he wants to change BUT it was my choice to leave therefore he doesn't feel he should give me money. Yet tells me he knows we're going to be together in the end, and that he loves me ... .wants to be transparent... .wants to take care of me... .wants to do what ever he can to make the marriage work. Again... .scued reality. And the blame... .thats what really drags me down... blaming ME. Aghhhhh!

Now what I'm trying to work on is me and my feelings... .hooph  you know... .not having to worry about someone elses feelings and try and make someone else feel better is quite a relief. : )

|iiii

I can so relate! And yes, it is a very valid goal, shifting form someone else feelings to the own ones :)