BPDFamily.com

... .in a way that you'll never recover."

I triggered him by not paying close attention to a project he was working on, so a tirade ensued, bringing up everything I've done wrong in all our time together.

Some of the things he said were untrue, but undeniably , he said I was a liar and my word means nothing, and this is true.

I broke 2 promises I made and lied about them. ( explained in my intro)

It would be easy to say I did it out of rebellion, but that's a cop-out and I have to take responsibility.

I'd believe I'm a good person that made 2 mistakes.

He said I was a horrible person and obviously I don't know the meaning of love , he loves me more than I love him, and he has enough "ammo" to crush me. He's said plenty of devastating things in the past, now he has the foresight and plan to go in for the kill.

An hour later he kissed me and said his life is better with me in it.

This is like dying a slow and painful death, and not knowing what day the end will come.

I KNOW I will have no choice but to leave eventually.

I can't leave yet, because  it will be worse for him than if I'm discarded.  But only marginally worse. I haven't yet been crushed to the point where i can't get back up .

I wish I could take away the pain he lives with .  I don't know how.

Hi there and welcome

*welcome*

I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult place right now.  It sounds like you are resigned that your relationship will end and that there is nothing to do in the interim to make things better.  Is this true?  There is a place between the two extremes of 'staying and being abused' and 'leaving or being left'.  You can stay (for the time being) and start to work on making things better for yourself.

It also sounds like you are really beating yourself up right now and taking responsibility for this situation.  I don't think that its fair to put the whole burden of this situation on your shoulders.  What do you think?

Can you do something to step away from this situation and to take care of yourself today? 

Yes, I am definitely beating myself up, because if I hadn't made these mistakes or lied, he wouldn't have anything to beat me up about .

(except rages about insignificant  things that I would not feel guilty about )

This burden is mine alone to bear.

I can't quite figure out  how to take care of myself without triggering his fears.

I tried by having lunch with a friend last week, and he flipped out, saying I don't have time to be out, I should be spending all my free time fixing my issue.

I try to read and do house projects when Im not working, but I'm now afraid to leave the house to do something fun because it will just get thrown in my face. It 's just not worth the hassle .

I've been told I push  him aside and don't think of him unless he's standing in front of me.

This could not be further form the truth, but it doesn't matter, it's how he feels.


It's beyond scary to me that  I don't know how to stop feeling guilt and victimization simultaneously and can't find a way out that will not destroy both of us.

I've never in my life been a whiner or a victim. Now I don't know who I am.

Today I am taking care of myself by being on this site, which has done really amazing things for my well being. Knowledge that I am not alone, communication skills, and also a glimmer of hope.

I am so grateful for everyone here. Thank you!

I don't think that this is correct.  I have learned that no matter how "good" I am.  My husband can always find an excuse to pick on me if he's dyregulated.  Understanding this and forgiving myself when I do "wrong" became a foundation of finding some peace for me.  Sure, I do things "wrong" but if I can step back and not get caught up in my husband's emotional rollercoaster ride, then I can finally get a little bit of perspective of where my family is REALLY at.  Before I felt like I was suck in a dryer in the eternal tumble cycle!


I have been in your shoes and its such a hard feeling.  This is where you step back and figure out what is really important to you and then you go after it.  Sure, he'll get triggered, but doesn't he get triggered any way.  For me, I finally realized that the HOLE in my husband's heart was so deep that I couldn't fix it by throwing myself into him any more.  So what is important to you?  What does your ideal life look like?  Is it being alone catering to his every whim or does it look like something else?  How do YOU want to live?


Sure that is how he feels.  This is a great place for validation.  Have you read the workshop on validation?  Just because he feels that way doesn't mean that you have to live that way!


Thanks for sharing!  The path out means making changes.  I got so far down a 'rat hole' with my husband that I honestly believed that I was going to be abused verbally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically for the rest of my life.  I am actually a very strong women and it was such a terrifying feeling.  The day that I realized that if I didn't make changes I WAS GOING TO LOSE HIM ANYWAY was the day that things started changing inside of me and I started fighting to get my family back.

So what things are important to you?  What aspects of your life have you lost in this relationship that you want back? 

Its not necessarily EITHER OR.  You can get some of the things you want back without breaking up with him or leaving him. 

I started with very small steps. I decided that I no longer wanted to be RAGED at while I was making my husband breakfast in the morning.  He could rage but I didn't want to sit there like a bump on a log and make him a meal while he did that.  It took everything inside of me to walk away the first morning that he started raging at me while I was making his breakfast.  I said "husband I love you but I don't want you yelling at me while I make you breakfast" when he responded "I don't give a s what you want" I walked away breakfast UNMADE even though he's diabetic and has tons of blood sugar issues.  I had to decide that he was an adult and if he wanted me to make breakfast then he needed to (at a minimum) not yell at me while I was doing it.

We're here for you forget-me-not!