BPDFamily.com

Growing up, my brother and I were extremely close. At the time, we didn't know that our mom had BPD, but we knew there was a serious problem and we helped each other through it.

Fast forward, we're both in our early 20s. I've been living far away for several years, but he still lives at home with our parents and is very dependent upon them.

My uBPDm and I hardly ever talk. I'd like to have a relationship with my brother, but he's developed many BPD traits. Oftentimes, I feel like my mother's words are coming out of his mouth. He's lashed out at me many times, and can be extremely aggressive. I don't know if he actually has BPD, or if he just acts this way from not having yet escaped his traumatic childhood.

I love my brother and want him to escape from the daily abuse he encounters, but he views our mom as someone who has been abused herself and therefore needs his support, no matter what. He tells me I'm a traitor for leaving. He used to dream about leaving, too, but he seems like a different person now

Is there anything I can say or do to help him?

I can understand your concern for him and desire to rescue him. But he is an adult now and will have to decide for himself whether he wants to make changes in his life. Is he asking for your help?

You may be able to offer your brother supportive empathy if he asks for it, but you will not be able to make him see things he is not ready to see. It sounds like he is still pretty enmeshed.

What are you doing to look after yourself when he behaves aggressively and calls you names?

Wishing you peace,

PF

The best thing you can do is have limits and boundaries to show that his behavior is not OK. This is showing him leadership by leading by example.

PF Change asked a good question.

Over the years he has asked for help. Over the years we've taken turns being the all-good and all-bad child. When things were bad for him, he reached out to me. However, for the past few years, I've been the all-bad child, and he's become pretty enmeshed with our mom.

The last time I spoke to him was when I attempted to call my father. He answered the phone and immediately decided to go off on a rant about everything that he felt like I was doing wrong. I told him to stop or the conversation was over, and he didn't, so I hung up. He then called back twice and left two voicemails, which I deleted after listening to them for just a second to see if he was apologizing or continuing his tirade.

I dealt with it by brushing it off and going for a run. I see my brother as a victim, so I don't harbor the same kind of resentment as I sometimes do with my mother. When he gets angry at me, I initially feel defensive, but that quickly turns into me feeling sad for him. I know what he's been through. He just wasn't strong enough to escape it. :/

You did well Justme with hanging up! You showed you have limits and while it may not stop his behaviour it protects you.

Your brother needs to come to his conclusions and if we assume a rescuing role we will be pushed away.