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I had such romantic plans this weekend.  But it all went down the toilet because I asked my DBPDGF if she was going to shower before dropping my son off with his Grandma.  She got mad because I wanted to take one before going.  Then she said fine we will (I must note that she gets mad if we don't shower together).  I said no, I don't want to upset you.  Just tell me what you want for breakfast and I will pick it up on my way back from dropping my son off.  She wouldn't have any of it.  She kept on in the shower about why I was wanting a shower.  I told her I was sorry multiple times.  She then proceeded to tell me that the day is ruined and she had so many romantic plans for us.  (she always does this when we argue, always has flowers/rings/something)  My nephew passed away and she had "flowers" for me but since I was with my sister and didn't come home she let her Mom have them.  I went to her Mom's and never saw them.  Sorry I am off topic.  Back to the shower.  After her going on and on to me she looks at me and tell me "I think you are BiPolar"   I didn't know what to say.  I have talked to therapist off and on for a while and know that statement wasn't true but it did hurt me because my VERY abusive X was. 

So I am getting ready to take my son to grandmas and she's just lying on the bed.  She wants to DISCUSS our recent talk.  Which that means she is getting ready for a sermon.  I told her I didn't have time that she is more than welcome to ride with me or we could continue when I get back.  She chose to stay at the house.  I get back home and not a word is spoken.

So Sunday morning starts off better she is talking to me again like everything is ok.  I look outside and see a fat squirrel that’s been coming up on our porch.  I told her I named it Fluffy.  She immediately started asking why I would name the squirrel that I wouldn’t know if it’s the same one every time or not.  I told her I just did it wasn’t any real thought into it.  She then told me I was weird, why would I do that?  I was fine at first but she wouldn’t drop it.  I sat down on the couch and just listened to her.  She then got mad because my feelings were hurt. 

Well that opened up the “I can’t talk to you speech” Your always the “victim” because of my past.  She then tells me there is something bothering her but she’s not going to tell me.  That she’s just going to let it play out.  I have no clue what she is talking about.  She does this all of the time.  So I said ok, I guess we will see.  I go to work, come home and clean the house.  That is all I do.  I make sure I don’t talk to my friends much because she is jealous.  I try to pay attention to what/how I say things to her.

I love her so much.  But sometimes I feel like I am drowning. 

Hi seh77,

you both seem to be very close. So close that if you would shower alone that may be abandonment of her. She also seems to just throw things at you without any regard of th impact, any thought on whether appropriate (squirrl) just unfiltered thoughts, not respecting you - again a sign of weak boundaries.

It may be worth reading     TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0) and read up on boundaries.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  I know how upsetting these "conversations" are especially when an otherwise nice day gets "ruined" over something as silly as a shower.  Except, this isn't a about a shower.  It's really about this dynamic:


As with any dynamic, it takes two.  I've highlighted your respective roles.  You can't change her side of this dynamic - that's for her to work on.  But, you can change your side of this.  By the way, this dynamic is very familiar to all of us here and is a very common starting point for members.

The good news is that it can be changed.  We focus on ourselves here, and not so much our partners, who we assume aren't going to change and will be difficult.  But, we can adjust our expectations for our partners and work on our communication and reactions.  For example, most of us would no longer offer any apology based on these facts.  No one did anything wrong.  You and her juste had different needs and priorities. No one was right or wrong.  Same with the deflection about breakfast.  It's often better to let her sort out her feelings on her own, than for you to try to distract with things like breakfast or apologies (it doesn't work anyway).

As you change your side of this dynamic, she will react . . . negatively, at first.  But, if you stay strong and work on your end of this, things really do get better for you.  Have you read our Lessons?

I have been reading the lessons and slowly working on myself to be more of MYSELF again.  I know it's a slow process but I am doing it.  I'm trying to stick to my boundries.  Just somedays I wish she would take me into consideration.  I just feel so worn down sometimes.