BPDFamily.com

Hi

I joined today and posted on the newbie wall.

I was dumped a week ago by my uBPDbf, after a few months of push/pull, verbal abuse, painting black etc, and he has moved 180miles away, to stay with a male friend.  I only really researched BPD these last few months due to him accusing me of " gas lighting" him.  I have never heard of this before and so once i researched,it led me to BPD.  As I was researching I found a lot of the key words used to describe and decipher BPD, was also use by him when he was raging, or explaining his "frozeness" this is where he used to just sit very still as if frozen and then would need to leave and be "alone".

I don't really know if I'm asking a question to you all about this or if I just need to write it down?.  I wish I had known in the beginning what this was that I was going through with him, then I could've handled things differently.  I have been nearly three years out of a 23 year marriage, and met him 18 months ago and I have never felt so heart broken, unhappy, at a loss, empty, confused in all my life

At this stage of the break up I have no idea what it is he is doing or what to expect, I have messaged a couple of time, he responded but now nothing. He blocked me on FB, then obviously unblocked me as his account is now deactivated, so I am being stalked, I just don't know what to expect now.

Any advice or knowledge would be gratefully appreciated.

Oracle

i am so sorry oracle for what you're experiencing.   you've come to the right place, everyone here will share out of their experiences and you'll get a world of support.

here are some of my experiences:

- he almost certainly will try to suggest a reconciliation. if he does not (or even if he does), he will be callously abusive to make sure that it doesn't work. my BPDstbxw did that twice. there will be no painful-but-reasonable breakup.

- he almost certainly is incapable of a stable, long-term relationship. this is the hardest pill to swallow. you will almost certainly want to try to get back together, who wouldn't, and as you will certainly hear, it won't work. please try to keep that in mind.

- by telling you you're gaslighting him, he is actually gaslighting you.

please keep posting, it's therapeutic.

Thanks Maxen for replying.

It's been such a roller coaster ride and I am so shocked that I even put up with any of it.  For the best part of the r/s I have been trying to prove I am not a cheat or a liar it has been exausting  and now after researching so much I can't even hate him for the way I have been treated, I feel so bad and guilty and helpless.  I never knew that someone could take up so much of my thoughts good or bad.  I have always been such a strong woman and now I am such a mess!

It sounds like he is running away from his past like so many of them do.  It also sounds like he has some awareness of his possible disorder.  You have found a great place to help you cope with what you are going through.  The people on these boards have had similar relationships and we are all very sympathetic to each others situations, hurts, pains, and confusion.  You are probably feeling empty and exhausted from the push/pull and mental abuse you have experienced.  Most of us on here agree that the best way to start the healing process is to initiate no contact (NC) with your ex.  It will give you a chance to clear your head and determine how you want to move forward.  Welcome  :)

I am so sorry you have endured such treatment.

I know it hurts.

The gaslighting... .

The silent treatment... .

The Facebook behavior like blocking/unblocking... .

I can relate.

As can everyone else on here... .

Too.

Your best bet... .

Right now... .

Is to maintain NC.

You need that wall... .

Between you and him... .

To have time... .

And space... .

To start healing.

NC won't heal you... .

But it will give you that buffer... .

That respite... .

From the storm... .

That is BPD.

You are in the right place.

Hang in there.

Thankyou for your kind words.

I know I need to maintain NC but its so hard.  I have thoughts every day, going over and over the relationship, then

sorry... .pressed the wrong button lol

and then I text him to tell him, mostly when I am angry  and he just ignores.  So I must stay strong... .I wish

Hi Oracle,

No contact is really challenging--the beginning is often the worst part.  But in relationships like these, where our significant other may be dysregulated, it is the most immediate action you can take to give yourself a chance to heal and get a hold of the situation.  Right now, contact will most likely only provide hurtful scenarios for you--either he'll ignore your communications, or he'll simply lash out.  Either way, you'll likely end up feeling worse.

Rather than contacting him, post here as often as you need to.  There are plenty of people who understand exactly what you're going through--you are not alone. 

So the fact that he is gone is actually the good news.  The mental wreckage a borderline leaves can be devastating and take a while to untangle, and the best thing you can do right now is stop the bleeding.  And if you do stay strong and not contact him, he will probably contact you, so best to use this time to decide what you really want and lean on support, including us.  Take care of you.

Thanks for your advice guys.

I did message him last night and he lashed out by telling me to f*@k off  I know now that I must leave well alone and deal with my misery and heal myself, I think what makes it harder for me is usually when a break up occurs in a "normal" r/s I go through the normal emotions of anger, sadness etc but because I know this is a illness instead of feeling angry by the way I have been treated I just feel bad for him.  Doesn't really help the "moving on"   Must be why I feel stuck.