BPDFamily.com

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I literally have no one to talk to about this. I keep it all inside bc I know that they will just tell me to leave, and will forever look at him differently. I don’t want ppl to see him that way, I want them to see him for the loving, caring and devoted father he is, so please bear with me and read to the end, I am desperate and I need help and I don’t know what else to do.

My BF, and father of my 7 month old son, was diagnosed with BPD in his teens. He warned me when we met, and I decided then and there that I would not give up. To say I love him does not give my feelings justice. He truly is the most wonderful person I have ever been with. He is kind, compassionate, thougtful, loving and affectionate. However, he is also jealous, vindictive, sexist and manipulative. I try, and try and try to convince him of how much I love him, to which is response is either "no you don't" or "it doesn't matter" - he says "it doesn't matter A LOT.  One of our major problems - or arguments I should say, as our problems run a list to long to type here - is that when we first started dating, there was, and "incident" I guess you could call it.  I went out of town to visit my best friend, and we drove down to New Orleans. Girl's party weekend, fairly innocent, except my friend got excited with a tequila shot she took off my neck and left a slight hicky. To me, it was nothing. To most ppl I feel, it is nothing. But all of you here already know that to him, its not nothing. Not only is he convinced that I cheated on him (which I didn't, I was infatuated with him, I talked about him literally ALL WEEK LONG, almost to my friends annoyance) besides the point, as you all know, but he has created this elaborate story where I slept with her brother, that I even took our picture from my dashboard so her brother wouldn't see it (it was getting bent and the sun was fading it so I took it down to preserve it) again, as you all know, doesn't matter in his warped reality. When he is on the side of the fence where he believes what really happened (or entertains the idea rather) He says that he doesn't want to be the schmuch that marries a dirty slut like that. A lose - lose situation I have read about on here often.

I used to be naive and believe that if this hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are, but I have since learned better.  I try to tell him this when he insists over and over again that we will never work, that we will never be happy. I tell him that I could be anybody and he wouldn't trust me. To which he responds "I could be any ass you hited and got pregnant. You only want to stay with me for the baby." Which, is one of the reasons, but not the only reason. When we are good, we are great (classic, right?) He is an excellent father, we are an excellent parenting team, and I don't want to lose that. I want a family with him, well, the real him that is, not this spawn of the devil I've been living with lately.  We go through periods of peace followed by worse periods of war. Right now, he wants to end it. I have been fighting him on this ever since he first brought up the issue, but I'm not so sure anymore. I want to stick it out and fight and save our relationship, but he has been so hurtful.  He criticizes my sexual past, even though he has more partners than me and more wreckless behavior.  He calls me retarded, a dirty whore with daddy issues, and worse things I think I may have blocked from my memory. Then he'll say that I'm just going to get tired of him and move on, that I will eventually find someone else and cheat on him. Then he cries and apologizes, well at least he used to. Not so much lately.

I know that I am not the things he says I am, but he's touching on issues that I have had with myself and making them worse. He is making me worse. I have outbursts now when we argue, almost immediately. As soon as he takes that tone, or says that all too familiar phrase (When I say “I love you so much” he says “no you don’t”) I just lose it. I scream. Jump up and down. Hit things. I have a bruise on my hand right now from hitting the wall. I have even pounced on him and almost hit him. THIS IS NOT ME. I am starting to act like him and I absolutely cannot have that happen. My child cannot have two psychopath parents. My ultimate goal is that he won’t even have one. And I used to be optimistic that if I persevered I could make this happen, but I am starting to lose hope. It used to be that he would say we should break up, but take it back the minute I went to walk out the door. Now, the break up conversation literally happens everyday, and I’m not so sure he’s going to take it back this time.  The real him, in his heart, loves me. I really think that he believes he is doing me a favor by ending it, I don’t believe it’s what he wants.

Trying to love him is like trying to take care of a baby kitten who won’t drink the milk you’re trying to give it. You know they need it, that it will make them better and stronger, but they just won’t take it, no matter how hard you try.  Crying used to work every time, which was easy bc I didn’t even have to try. I avoided pointing out his flaws and where he was wrong bc I know deep down that’s his main issue, he doesn’t feel special or worthy of being loved, and he is aware of these flaws and I felt like pointing them out would only make the behavior worse. But now I feel like he is numb to my tears. So then I started getting angry, and point out where he was wrong and try to reality check him,  which I fear is what has escalated it to this point.

I am lost. Confused. Scared. Exhausted – SO exhausted. Many of these arguments happen when I get home from work (I work night shift) and result in me only getting a few hours of sleep before I have to work all night again. The word exhausted is an understatement. I am emotionally drained and sleep deprived. My eye lids have become the recycle Dam for the tears that want to spill out literally every second of every day.  I keep up the façade of a happy family bc I know that if I tell my friends and family everything that’s going on, they will just tell me to leave. But they don’t understand. I don’t want to leave him. Abandonment issues are what got him here in the first place. People always leave him, that’s why he’s so convinced I will. I have always held to the fact that if it ends it will be bc he leaves, bc he gives up, not me.  So if I leave now, I’ll be proving him right. I also don't want to leave, I have never met anyone like him, the good side of him is a rare find these days. I don't want my child to come from a broken home. I also however don't want him to grow up in a hostile environment. I am such a mess. I am losing my own sanity and I can’t afford to do that. Please, please please, anyone who thinks they can help, help me. I am drowing.

EmotionallyExhaustedMama here's a big

I am so sorry that you're feeling such overwhelming emotions right now.  Shew, I've been there, when it's hard to make heads or tails out of anything.  Can you take a few deep breaths and maybe go for a walk or do some jumping jacks or something to shake some of the debris out of your mind?

Nothing has to be decided right this very moment.  In fact, it's best not to do anything when feeling emotionally exhausted.  Does that make you feel a little better?  You don't have to do anything, except breathe... .

Have you had a chance to read the Choosing a Path links to the right of this page?---------->

Amazingly enough they have a very calming effect.  Knowing that we can stop for a moment to do something for ourselves and our relationships can be comforting in and of itself.

Please keep posting and know that we're here for you and we understand

*welcome*

I am so sorry that you are hurting. You have A LOT to deal with. But, at the risk of sounding "cold," you can't worry about whether or not you leaving will validate his fears. Regardless of BPD and the great compassion we feel for their inner turmoil, you have to do was is best for you and your child. I agreed with Phoebe, you can't make a major life decision when you are emotionally exhausted. I wonder if there is a way for you to take a break and can't some perspective. Can you take a week of from work and stay with a trusted friend? Maybe a beach trip where you can listen to the sounds of the ocean.

Thank you both so much. Somehow just having ppl who have been there and understand is already making me feel better. You're right, I don't have to decide right now. And breathing, what a concept. It's amazing how emotional stress can cause us to forget such a basic function. Unfortunately getting away for a break really isn't an option for me, but I do just so happen to have 6 days off coming up, and he'll be working so I'll have some time to myself at the house to think. I'm heading home right now, and our conversation last night ended porky, so who knows what Ill be walking into wen I get home. Wish me luck, and thank you again. Wow, what a difference just putting my emotions out there makes :)

I want to stress to you that even though you child is 7 months old, they do get older and they will witness what is going to happen. I know you want to be the savior in this relationship but really there is no amount of staying or trying that you can show or do that will ever make him change his mind. You will have to accept that fact wholeheartedly if you want to stay.

You will be subjected to this lifelong. He will not wake up one day and suddenly "get it."

My ex BPD did the same thing to me. Forcing, pushing, egging me on to cheat. That is the only thing he ever knew was women cheating on him. I never did. He could never make me go against my own morals. I couldn't do it. It would be against who I am.

However the damaging effect it had my own children. That is something I was blinded by. I thought I was doing justice by staying to HELP him. When you have children they are your first and last priority. He is not a child... .he is a grown man. You are not responsible for his past wounds. You are not his mother. It is not up to you to prove the WORLD is a SAFE place and YOUR LOVE will heal him. He has to heal himself.

I know right now you love this man, yes he has good points but are they enough? Is it enough when he calls you a whore in front of your son? Then your son has to be explained why Daddy treats his mom that way? I never thought my children would witness what they did. It effected them profoundly.

Think my dear... .long and hard. You are aiming for something that is unattainable. I wish I could tell you differently.

If you are to stay with him. you have to accept that this will be a life long struggle of pain, hurt and tears. Accept that fact and learn to cope.

Hi EmotioanallyExhausted,

Sorry to hear about your dilemma.  You have stated there how wonderful your partner is and how it is a difficultt hing to find these days.  And you are right.  I have the same feeling about my fiancee.  When she is not dysregualting, she is the most wonderful, easy going, easily pleased, loving, sweet person that anyone could meet.  And then when the abondonment fears kick in, from nowhere at times, she is an extremely ehausting person to be around. 

But all of this together is the real person, not just the good side.  And to continue these realtionships we need to accept that and face the reality that the side of them we adore will not just overcome the side of them we fear.  I am only 2 years into my realtionship and have found it a struggle.  I am working my way through things that I have learnt on this website to improve the relationship.  And I have to say it has helped.  It has not changed how my fiancee behaves or what makes her dysregulate, as that is not possible .  But it has helped me change how I deal with things.  I have not been 100% successful in how I approach things but getting better at it.  In the past my reaction was to get angry, like yourself. And, like yourself, behave completely out of character. 

I am still undecided and will have a big test soon when she comes to live with me in a few weeks.  But whatever the decision I will have known that through this website I have tried everything I could to make things work.

So, look after your needs and your son's needs.  Give some real thought about how you would like your emotional wellbeing to be int he future.

Put into practice what you will learn on this website.

Best of luck to you.

Hi again EmotionallyExhaustedMama

Just checking in to see how you're doing today... .?

Doing... .ok today. Yesterday was awesome... .productive discussion of the argument the night before, a happy family day. Today was good until he got drunk, which almost exclusively leads to what I like to call the "dark place" only this time, I didn't cry, or yell, or plead. This time I simply said "it will always be something with you, and I accept that, bc I love you, until it sacrifices Oliver's well being, bc at that point, I'm gone, and so is he." He passed out, so I don't even know hay he heard all of what I said, or if he will remember, but it doesn't really even matter, I had the strength to say it and that puts me on top of the world right now :)

Big hugs today! 

Hi EmotionallyExhaustedMama,

I am also an emotionally exhausted mama!  Mother of a little boy who will be 2 in February.  I found this site in probably January/ February.  That was the beginning of my journey.  My little boy was 10/ 11 months at the time.  

One thing that I encourage you to do is to go to the staying board.  Look on the right for the TOOLS.  Those tools have literally saved my mental sanity.  I had gotten to the point where I was ok with the upheaval in my life and had assumed that my life would always be like that.  Those tools have given me a totally different perspective and I have been able to limit (with no buy in from him) a lot of really ugly behavior of my husband's and do a much better job of protecting my son.  

Things that might help are 1. avoiding JADE (justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining).  There is a great video called BEFORE YOU CAN MAKE THINGS BETTER YOU HAVE TO STOP MAKING THEM WORSE.

2.  Boundaries.  Identifying the worst behaviors first and starting to work on them.

3.  Validation.

Fortunately I have become healthier in the process and my standards have improved as well... .and this weekend I have gotten to the critical point where I have told my husband that he needs professional help (because I have tried everything else) or he needs to leave.  I adore my husband more than anything but I now know that if things continue as they are... .it will destroy our son.  For now, my husband has decided that he wants a divorce because I am his problem (no surprise there).

Anyway  *welcome*

Glad to have you here.

Thank you everyone who took the time to listen and to respond.  I have already found so much helpful information on this site, as well as an emotional peace just from knowing that I am not alone.  We have made leaps and bounds since I last posted, and I believe I will be moving to the Staying board (Fingers crossed)

He broke down and got real with me.  He told me he feels like he's losing his mind, maybe even a grip on reality, and he asked me to arrange for him to talk to someone. He told me he is scared of how he thinks and acts sometimes, and that he knows it isn't right.  He told me that he has no idea why he says the things to me that he does bc he doesn't believe any of them to be true.  He told me no matter what he says, to never forget that I am a good person and not to let anyone, especially him, make me feel any less. He admitted to me that he is unhappy with his job and that makes things worse for him.  We discussed, at length, our stressful and non functioning financial situation and have officially agreed and made arrangements to move in with my parents once our current lease is up.  This alone is going to make a difference.

I am not naive, so I do still hold some reservation before I will let myself get excited, but some things were said this week that have never been said, and issues were adressed that desperately needed to be.  I have already made arrangements for him to talk to someone and he goes next week.  Progress has been made and it feels pretty damn good :)

Thank you again to everyone here.  I don't know that I would have had the strength to speak up for myself quite the way I did if I hadn't found this site. I can already see a remarkable difference in how I handle him, it's pretty amazing.

I am glad you are pushing him to get help.  I don't think people egging you on to leave him is always the answer.  If he is not physically dangerous to you, you may be able to stick it out a bit and see if he can try to get the right help -- but the exhaustion is troubling.  He's either got to start getting the right help, or you have to put your foot down.

When I had my son, I did ALL the work and still had to deal with hubby's coldness and rages.  At one point I went literally 30 hours with only 40 minutes of sleep.  I ate chocolate to stay awake!  Luckily the baby started sleeping longer at night when I got a new bassinet, and I was able to get a few hours, but hubby didn't care.

I survived with my wits, keeping a journal, separating from him emotionally a bit, if not physically.  I was so glad to have a baby that I figured it was worth all the pain. 

It took two years for us to have a really bad weekend that resulted in the start of a divorce.  If I'd pushed him earlier to change, and listed all the problems, maybe it wouldn't have come to that.  But it can be hard when they deny their behaviors.  At leats your guy admits he has BPD.  My husband was undiagnosed.  I just knew something was wrong.

I know you love him a lot, so you have to do what you can.  Right now, tough love is what you may need, before it gets much worse and blows up beyond repair.

I kept a journal of my ex's behavior for several years before I decided that I had to leave the relationship. I had this great capacity to block out the bad things in order to keep going, but reading that 3 yr journal in the end was a real eye opener.

His bad was outnumbering his good, and I realized that things were never going to change. The stress was taking its toll on my health and my only recourse was to save myself by leaving. He has found a new emotional caretaker, and I am very very grateful that I no longer have that job.

   

I feel as though I could have written this myself. I'm basically in the identical situation. I also don't know what to do and I am very scared. I have a six year old and a three month old. It's tiring feeling alone through everything and feeling afraid for your famy. I hope you find the answer, I hope I do too. Message me if you ever need to talk, maybe we could help each other.