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Stupid stupid stupid.

I was using social media tonight, and I saw a picture on a friends feed.  Ex is blocked.  Somehow this pic still popped up of hers.

Don't know how it happened, but i stupidly clicked her profile.

She's somehow magically blocked but I can still see her profile.

I don't know how it happened.

I'm in a wierd place right now.  I figured there would be a lot of anger and fear and certainly desperation.

She looked happy, I don't really care. Still up to her old tricks I have no doubt. 

My mind is ruminating.  I want nothing to do with her.

Don't care right now.  Happy, unhappy, whatever.  She is gone from my life for ever.

She wrecked the ending.  I had my own part in the r/s which I'm working out, but the cheating and lies and abuse were never something  I did.

I think this is good that I'm not completely having a freak out right now.  I'd been so amped up about N/C and expecting something from her, somehow it was like a test, to see if i'm okay and moving on.

I am.

Thanks to everyone on this board.

I'm sure tomorrow will be hard.  I'm going to go take a walk now, try to clear my head, but for the time being I'm strangely okay.

Hey, good for you for keeping an objective mind and not letting your emotions take you back the road of terror of memories.

Do you find that your anger about what happened help you get over it?  Part of my problem is I could not be mad at her.

I just broke NC last night also, after two years.  I was crushed to find the same attitude, it's cruel the tricks our mind plays on us sometimes

Question... .


You broke NC... .

That is ok.

It happens.

What is important... .

Is you did not keep returning... .

To her profile... .

And further exposing yourself... .

To her.

That in itself... .

Is huge... .

That you were able to restrain yourself.

Shows you are healing brother.

Maintaining NC is not easy.

You are safe with us.

Hang in there brother.

I have been learning as much as I can about BPD.  Reading and reading.  Piecing it all together.  How it happened.  For real.  Trying not to let myself get mired in denial, but rather constantly asking, did this really happen to me?  Yes.  Yes it did. 

Learning about my part in it really helped, as she truly did catch me in a vulnerable position, and I let myself be victimized by not setting any boundaries.  I've come to that conclusion through a lot of crying, self-honesty, and support.  I plan to continue this work as it is truly helping me become healthier than I've ever been.  I'm not there yet, but I can see the horizon.

I've rarely ever been able to be angry with her honestly.  I wish I could!  Sometimes, I've had fleeting moments or days of anger, but I couldn't just hate her.  I'm not that type of person. I tried and tried and tried, sad aplenty, but part of it for me was coming to terms with the fact that her behavior was not my responsibility.

I constantly tried to blame myself for everything that happened during the r/s.  Kept sacrificing my boundaries to keep her afloat in my own grandiosity that I could somehow help her.

In the end, in my heart of hearts, I knew I was fighting a losing battle, and I was the only one doing it to myself.  She decided everyone in her life is gonna leave her, and she is bound and determined to make sure it keeps happening.  Quite sad, honestly.

After reading all over these boards and finding pieces of my story, I put it all together.  I had a pretty good feeling I knew what I would see there, and I saw exactly what I expected.  Someone that is trying really hard to look really happy.  The difference is, I saw it with open eyes this time, instead of projecting my "angel" on her.  I saw the lies.  I saw the stalker.  I saw the triangulator.  I saw the cheater.  And all it took was a glance.  I won't post details.  No compulsion to.

Her pattern is repeating itself.

I feel really bad for whoever is around her right now.  And I truly pity her.  I pity how sad and empty she must be feeling right now.

@IronmanFalls, Thanks man.  You've been there through thick and thin.

I know I won't always feel this sense of peace and calm that I've got right now, but I'm having my own moment of clarity.  I hope I can hold onto it for a while.

I broke nc tonight too, strangely enough,I dont feel so bad,it had been 7 days,people from domestic violence came to visit today, thats what triggered me, I had a whole spiel planned, but just couldnt say it, Ive said it all 1000 times already,letters,txts,email,eloquently worded,positive,hopeful,didnt matter,he never took any of it in, all I said was " I know who you really are"all I got back was projections,fishing statements etc,usually Id retort, but not this time,it has always been, and always will be like speaking to a plank of wood- pointless.Im wondering if ill break down too? I duno, maybe its because I got my "fix", I duno, I have no desire to break nc anymore, I do not want to " poke the bees nest" ,all I know now is, Im all about healing me now, not him.5

A lot of wisdom in your words, QF, you are definitely healing and it shows.  There may still be tough days, but if there is one message that I'd like to bring to this board, like you are doing here, it is this:  it does get better. 

It really does. 

Hey QF, thank you for your post.  It is that wonderful paradox that we can feel better by truly embracing how awful it is/was!  Really, looking at life with "eyes wide open" and as honestly as we can is the path to peace and fulfillment.  But, being in a position to see these things and actually being able to embrace them is oddly not very easy.  There are drivers within ourselves that encourage our own distorted thinking.

As HeartandWhole says, it does get better.

QF --

Happy to hear this!


I think you're right -- in a way, it was a test -- and you passed. Good job!

And good for you for anticipating that you may re-impact tomorrow -- maybe you won't, but if you do, it's easier to handle when you've anticipated the punch before it hits you. But I hope you don't -- I hope tomorrow comes, and you feel the same way as you do today.

winston72 -- always good to see you, bud!

Had my own breach of NC today, too -- must be going around. A little annoyed at myself for playing into it, but I'm fine -- didn't take any bait, kept my shields up, and refused to accept anything she said at face value. All for effect. I was as decent as I could be, but also let her have it on a few points -- not proud of it, but just couldn't hold back. She can be so utterly maddeningly self-important.

Back to sweet NC.

Hang in there, everyone.