BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone

I haven't posted for a while as things were going quite well but this last month as been incredibly stressful with him talking about suicide on a number of occasions.  We talk about his feelings and I take him seriously and I just aim to get him through the next hour.  I don't think we are in crisis right now but we are on the edge and I am struggling to know how to get him through this. 

His reasoning as to why suicide is the best option is not totally illogical.  I'm not saying I agree with him doing it just that I can understand why he feels like that.  It leaves me feeling terrified sometimes and I miss the fun guy I fell in love with.  I guess I'm just reaching out for someone to talk to about it as I can't talk to anyone else.

Also, he suffers from body dysmorphia which is what is driving his suicidal thoughts at present.  Does anyone have any experience or advice on this as well please.

Many thanks

What a difficult situation.   

This is our recommended protocal when helping someone who you think may be suicidal.  You can always find it by clicking the "Safety First" button on the right side of the Screen ----->

When helping someone, remember:

1.  Take it seriously.

Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.

Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk.

“Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it.

2. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you.

3. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.

4. Listen.

Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving.

5. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.

6. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave them alone - drive the person to the nearest emergency department or other service facility. They may be hesitant - that is normal. The local suicide hotlines can advise you of the best facility.

If the situation is life threatening, or the person refuses to go for care, or you are unable to transport them, call 911.

Please do not use emergency medical services to teach anyone a lesson.

.

If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.


7. Urge professional help.

If someone is acting suicidal or talking of suicide, it is vitally important to get them into professional care at the first signs. Like many disorders, early detection and treatment yields better outcomes. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact.


8. From crisis to recovery.

Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.

MOD, I agree it should be taken seriously.

One woman I knew was terrified to break up with her partner because he said he would kill himself if she ever left him (despite the fact he frequently beat her). However that does not mean anything to this case. Best to ASSUME he is DEADLY serious.

He needs to be accessed to see if he has developed a clinical level of depression.

An expert needs to access how serious the situation is.

However if he is constantly dumping the suicide scenario on your during times something triggers him to be emotional, that is atypical from what I know of suicide.

From my own experience, deeply suicidal people tend to withdraw emotionally from those they care about, they tend to seem very "detached".

Please treat this VERY seriously though. It is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to predict what he is capable of. You need IMMEDIATE advise such as calling a mental health crisis line.

In the meantime remove large quantities of dangerous medications from around the house if you can do it discreetly.

Get professional advice ASAP. Suicide can be used in dramatically interplay in relationship situation (I have seen it), but unfortunately it is impossible to really know how serious it is, you need a professional.

I agree with the above responders it needs to be taken seriously,  although in the majority of cases it goes no further than an extreme form of expressing hopelessness, it is not possible for you to determine the depth of it.

Listening and asking questions, as opposed to trying to provide answers, seems to get the best results. Speak to someone yourself, you are not a suicide counselor.

Is this feeling he has consistent or does it come and go? Is there a permanent state of depression?

Thanks everyone.

He is depressed and on anti depressants and has attempted suicide before, a long time ago.  I have the crisis number and would use it if I felt there was an immediate threat.  I believe it is more a cry for help at the moment as he feels unsupported by health services and so I have found a support group for him.

On a day to day basis he is happy and a joy to be with but I know his demons play on his mind when he is alone at night (we don't live together) so I have urged him to talk to me, any time day or night and he does.  He feels ignored by his psychiatrist and I have tried to get a referral to the community mental health team but his psychiatrist hasn't done it yet.  There is only so much I can do, although I would fight to the death for him, but I agree the system is letting him down.

Its just so hard to hear the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, and who 90% of the time is funny and full of life, to talk about not feeling like his life is worth living.  The first time he told me, I cried but I have learnt to listen and not take it personally.  I let him talk through his options for getting better and his reasons for feeling so low.  But this is draining and obviously puts a dark cloud over our time together which I find hardest as we are usually very loving and have a great time together. 

If I honestly felt he was about to do something I would phone crisis or 999 and I have told him this. 

Thank you for all the advice and just letting me talk to someone about it.  I'm very new to this and it is such a relief to have this level of experience and compassion to hand.

Many thanks