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I have been having a hard time staying out of contact.  Whenever I do, I get threats, I can't take it and I respond.  Here is what he is throwing at me now.  Can I have your thoughts, please?  I question everything I feel or think!

He is saying that I owe it to him to be with him.  That if I love him, I owe him my " love, presence and hand in marriage."

If I don't give him that, then I am a bad person, because I am judging him.

What do I say to that?

Is there any reason why you cant block him completely?

I have seen in my own experience that when maintaining NC my BPD ex would often sent aggressive texts to bait me into replying.

Don't say anything, by replying you are giving him what he wants.

I think you need to ignore it. Any answer you give is just going to dredge up more questions.

I DO block him.  He just makes up new email addresses. 

I am not asking for an answer here because I am giong to respond to him.  I am asking because I am questioning my own sanity.  Is he right that you owe someone that if you love them?

Well how do you feel about 'owing him' something?

How long were you together?

I haven't seen him in over a year and a half. 

I am not asking in terms of what I owe him.  I am asking as a general concept.  I never thought about it that way.  I mean, I feel that I owe my daughter, of course.  But adult relationships fail all the time.  I did promise to be with him, but the emotional abuse got to be too much.

Not entirely sure of where you are at in your personal situation, but obviously you are not together.

Speaking from personal experience being married to uBPDh for 18 years (together 23), I can say that I do believe in the sanctity of marriage.  When we got married and I spoke our vows I truly meant it, even though in the back of my mind I probably had some level of awareness that marrying him was not the best idea in the world. 

After we were married, every time that there would be a fight or every time that something happened that made me want to leave him, I would always go back to those vows, knowing that I would stay through the "worse" because I promised him I would do that.

BUT... .he also promised to honor me and to be faithful and he violated BOTH of those promises, over and over and over again.

I could see my H saying something similar to what you were told.  It's happened before... .I tell him I want a divorce and then he starts saying how we made that promise to each other and that he wants nothing more than to be together forever as a couple. 

I can't tell if you are already married or not.  If not, thank goodness!  If I were in the same situation and wasn't married to the pwBPD, it would be a bit "easier" to combat this line of thinking.  I think you could say that because you do have some level of caring for him that what you do "owe" him is your honesty and and that marrying him would be a mistake for both of you.  I personally am stuck in a situation now where I have put up with H's crap for so many years that I truly feel guilty that I am now the one wanting to call it quits.  But, I feel like the best "reason" I have right now to share with him is that I owe it to him to end our marriage because I simply don't love him anymore.  Easier said than done though... .

I would agree with the others that it's probably best to just ignore if you can.  If you have kids or other "reasons" why you have to see him then that definitely makes it harder.

I definitely don't agree that you OWE it to him to be/get/stay married! 

 PM10

Nice to see you again ... .though I'm sorry that it's under difficult circumstances.

All I'd say is - take a deep breath or two - and ask yourself ... .really - what do YOU think about this idea... .honestly... .?


Wishing you strength and a good way forward WWT

The only person you owe anything to right now is yourself. 

I don't think we owe anything to them.

I see it like this as a similar thing... .

We are their victims. Most sexual predators were sexually abused as children, so they were their abusers victim. It would be absurd to think a victim of a sexual assault owes their rapist anything. I know there are differences in the situations but I feel mentally raped and that I owe her nothing.